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Author Topic: Sex is ruining my marriage

April 21, 2019, 05:08:26 PM
Read 1867 times


First of all, thank you for reading this.

I have been married to my wife for almost 7 years. Since the start, we had sexual issues because I have a very high sex drive, but she does not.

There are many reasons for her low sex drive-
- Abused as a child, so she views sex as something hurtful, dirty, and gross. I didn't know any of this before marrying her.
- Morbidly obese so she feels gross having sex
- Has depression and also takes antidepressants, which contributes to a low sex drive
- Chronic pain from a couple of different health conditions
- Frequent bladder infections

The pattern of our marriage has been that we go several months without sex, then maybe we have a period of a few weeks where we have sex once a week, but then we have another drought of a few months. Overall it's something like 10 times per year, or somewhere on that order.

I have tried to "just deal with it", and not let it get to me, but it's hard. I am constantly thinking about going outside the marriage (but I don't) or imagining how much better my life would be if I was married to someone with a more compatible sex drive. While I'm sympathetic to her various health issues, it doesn't make it much easier for me to deal with the lack of sex. I also resent it a little bit that she lets herself get so overweight since I feel that contributes to her health issues.

I told her how I felt recently, and that I wanted to figure this issue out whether it means somehow conquering my need for sex so that I am OK with being in a mostly sexless marriage, or in the worst case, proceeding with a divorce.

On the plus side, I really love her a lot and we have a very caring relationship. She is a wonderful wife in every other respect, writes loving notes and texts for me, spends time with me, pretty much everything a guy could wish for. She is my best friend and I feel that if I were to divorce her, it would be incredibly painful for both of us. Every time the "D" word comes up, we start talking about it but then ultimately we both just bury the issue because it's too painful to contemplate.

Her stance on this issue is that I am basically being an idiot about this. She feels that sex isn't such a big deal that you should throw away an otherwise good marriage over it. She had a lot of relationships before she met me, whereas I had not, so she tells me that if I'd had sex a ton of times before the marriage, maybe I would have realized how hollow it feels to have sex with people you aren't really in love with, and that I would appreciate having a good, loving relationship more than I do. She feels that I'm making things worse by thinking so much about sex, and I should basically just not think about it so much. She also said that if I were to ask 10 guys if they would leave an otherwise good marriage over a lack of sex, she didn't think any of them would do it. She also thinks that I don't help myself because I am awkward about asking for sex and not very good at the art of seduction.

My response is basically that it's hard to just "not think about it", especially when you're a guy with hormones. I admit that watching porn probably is not helping in terms of making me want sex more, but I still don't know that it's really possible for me to just not think about it.

Another circumstance here is that she currently has a broken foot and recurring bladder infections over the past 4 months, so she thinks I'm being really insensitive to even think about sex or want it and that I should just be patient. If I felt like this was a one-off issue, I wouldn't have a problem, but I feel like the bigger picture here is that even if those short term things heal, in the long run, she's just not a person who wants sex in any way, shape, or form and would be perfectly content going without it for the rest of her life.

What do you think - is my wife right and I'm an idiot for focusing so much on sex, and I should just learn to appreciate the good parts on my marriage? Is it even feasible to just "not think about it"?

Or, is sex really a vital part of a marriage and I should just end it instead of dragging it out which will only make her and me depressed to stay in an unhappy marriage?

I'm really conflicted because on one hand, the idea of being in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life feels utterly depressing and I feel like dragging out an unhappy marriage would just take its toll on both of us over time. On the other hand, it would be really painful to lose my wife, and there's a chance that I'd just end up having the same problem with another relationship down the road. If I'm just too big of a sex maniac then maybe it's better to stay in the marriage and work on myself, instead of thinking I can find something better and realizing I can't. It's also complicated because she is not working so she's 100% dependent on me for income, and she doesn't have a lot of friends, so she is really dependent on me for social support too, so I would feel very guilty and selfish for putting my desire for sex over the needs of my wife.

Thanks very much in advance for any advice!!
« Last Edit: April 21, 2019, 05:19:22 PM by dsr263292 »

April 22, 2019, 03:46:16 AM
Reply #1


I read every word carefully. :D And I really sympathize with you and understand you. I think I am also the one who has a high sex drive, as I am always thinking about the sex or the sex scene always comes to my mind. I always think when my husband will have sex with me, but sometimes I am just waiting since I feel shy, too. Every time after the sex,  the sex scene will keep reverberating in my mind. I might even think is that ill or is it abnormal.

Now I'm relieved, I think that's normal, life is just like that. Why should I hide my true feeling? I think it's fun to have sex with someone you love. When we found a new sex position and enjoy both, it is a very happy thing. Making love can ease our love relationship, especially after we have quarrel. I think that is good.

As a matter of fact, I run a store selling sex toys and sex dolls. I find pleasure and get release by doing this business. But please believe that I am not doing marketing here. :P I am engaged in this business so I can search, read, view and learn more about sex. I like to read articles or topics about the sex or love relationship, and discuss with others. So as your situation, I really suggest you can try sex dolls. I mean the high quality life like sex dolls but not the traditional inflatable blow up sex dolls. Nowadays, it is no longer a shame to mention sex dolls. They can be great helper to improve the love relationship for couples. And you can take comfort from the dolls. Just have a try.

If you need someone to talk to, message me.  ;)

April 29, 2019, 07:26:40 AM
Reply #2


dsr263292 sorry to hear… I think it’s a part of life not a way to run from your life…

June 05, 2019, 06:21:47 AM
Reply #3


I think this issue is solvable only by you and your wife starting a healthier lifestyle. Sports can be a great substitute for the lack of sex. You can burn away your stress and frustrations but also you will have more energy to focus when you do have sex. Also I understand that your wife has started to adopt a unhealthy lifestyle which probably has many reasons. But I think what your situation needs is you helping your wife mentally and physically. While many are in favour of fat positivity being obese is never fun and i know this from my own mistakes. And when I started to loose weight and eat healthier, I became much more social and my sex drive and endurance rose a lot. Also they will most likely help with other issues you mentioned. And i know this sounds like a basic answer of "sports help with everything" but to be honest. Its probably the only "easy" way where you only have to worry about commitment and usually its fun too.

On the other hand if you are just looking for excuses to dump your wife this is not for you i think. good luck.


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