My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  We are recently married.  We do not have any children.  For nearly 7 years my husband has not had much of a sex drive and therefore we have been struggling with it and intimacy.  It's getting worse.  I'm at the point where I feel like my husband is telling me all these excuses when I have been begging him for answers for the past 7 years.  The main excuse is that his testosterone is low (which it is), he has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  He has been on hypothyroid medication for the past 2 years and recently has seen a new doctor that prescribed him something else that seems to work better as his levels have improved by 50%.  His doctor wants him to come back soon to recheck his levels again, and if they haven't improved much more than she wants to put him on testosterone.  In the early years of the problem, he didn't go to the doctor to get it checked because he didn't have health insurance.  But now he does, so I can't blame him for finally getting it worked on.   However, I don't think him not wanting to have sex is because of his testosterone level.  I think it's me and every time we argue or discuss it he keeps telling me that it is not me.  But his actions and his words lately have me feeling otherwise.  He constantly plays video games whenever he comes home from work and then plays them until he goes to bed around 1am.  He works 12 hours for his job then comes home and plays the game.  I work a 9 to 5 job, but when he comes home I am eager to spend time with him and talk to him.  So him playing his game until bedtime leaves no time for us to spend together.  He also works on the days I am off.  He used to come home and watch tv with me.  Recently, within the last 2 weeks, he told me that he needs "alone time."  I asked him what does he mean by that?  What he means is that he comes home to play his game and I basically do not talk to him while he is playing the game.  That I don't ask him for favors around the house, etc.  Well since he has been spending time on the game so much, he doesn't lift a finger around the house anymore.  I have to constantly ask him to do something.  He either always puts me off or he does it days later or he doesn't do it at all. Well, if he is working 12 hour shifts then plays his game, then when can I ask him for help around the house? So I started to give him the alone time that he was asking for, and he didn't like that because I would either not be home or I would pretend he wasn't home because thats basically how he made me feel when he plays the game.  I feel neglected.  He has headphones on and can talk to his clan members, but he can't talk to me.  He talks to more to these people then he does me.  I am not opposed to him playing his game, I just don't think it should be so frequent.  He leaves no free time for us.

Back in October was when we last had sex more consistently.  After a few weeks I started asking him like why aren't we having sex and he would blow me off.  Then one day, I happened to be using his phone to look something up on the internet and I saw that he had watched a porn video.  I questioned him about it because I told him how much it hurts me that he did that because I have been asking him for weeks why he won't have sex with me and he would just blow me off.  Also, because a few years ago it was a huge problem in our relationship.  He would masturbate instead of having sex with me.  He even admitted at one point that he was doing it to hurt my feelings.  So we made an agreement that until he can get his sex drive issue worked out that he would not do it.  The day I discovered it on his phone he swore up and down to me that he was going to suggest we watch porn together, but he has not suggested it since!  Last month he also started seeing a therapist, but he told me that he is seeking one out because he just wasn't happy in general.  That he was depressed about his new job.  Then I come to find out that on his first and only session (so far) that he discussed his low sex drive with his therapist.  His therapist suggested we have sex dates.  But he has not suggested a sex date at all.  It's been a month since he last saw his therapist due to the holidays she was fully booked.  At least that is what my husband told me. On Christmas Eve we had a huge fight that led into so many problems that we have with one another.  We both agreed that we feel like we needed that.  However, he continued to blame every single problem on me.  He said that during wedding planning it was like a hobby and therefore I was not miserable to be around.  He said I am miserable lately.  I told him that it can't possibly be because all he does in his free time is play his game, right?  We had sex on Christmas Day and the day after.  But on Christmas day he told me, "I feel like I can have sex with you, but I feel awkward."  I didn't know what to say, and in awkward situations I sometimes say stupid things, so I chose to stay silent. Eventually he talked me into having sex with him.  Before Christmas day it was 58 days before we last had sex.

Last night we went out for NYE, he was drunk, so he finally opened up to me and I feel sick to my stomach.  Firstly he told me that he hasn't wanted to have sex with me because I am controlling.  I asked him for 3 examples of how I am controlling. The first and only example he could give me was that I don't allow him to masturbate when he feels like it.  I told him that I would be fine with him masturbating if we had a normal sex life.  He basically accused me of controlling his body.  I told him that he has hurt me in the past with choosing not to have sex with me and choosing to masturbate instead.  He said he understands, but it is still me wheeling control over him.  I said, well then why did you agree to it in the first place?  He told me so that he doesn't lose me.  Then as the night went on more comes out.  He tells me that he is bored with me sexually.  He told me he talked to his therapist about it.  He told me that his therapist says its normal to want something else from time to time.  I told him that yes, I could understand that.  I probably would feel the same way he does but our sex life hasn't been consistent enough yet for me to feel that way and be bored of him.  He told me he understood that as well.  I was kind of surprised he told his therapist that, especially during the first visit.  I asked him if he talked to his therapist about the masturbation thing and he said no.  I said, "well I think you should tell her the whole story as to why I do not want you to masturbate at this time."  He then told me that is me controlling him.  He said its not in my control what he tells my therapist.  I only said that so that she can get the full picture as to why I feel that way. I could see him leaving out my reasoning why because he doesn't like to be looked at as the "bad guy."  But I didn't tell him that, thats just how I feel about it.  So then it goes onto how the next time he sees his doctor he is going to demand she put him on testosterone.  He then went into how what is his hormones are so out of whack in the beginning that he will want to have sex all the time.  I said well, I've been ready and waiting!  But he was like, no, what if it makes me cheat on you.  I told him if he cheats on me I am done with him.  He then says, but what it its the hormones and how they aren't to the right adjustment (level) yet and thats why his hormones make him cheat.  I told him that I don't care.  I told him I feel like he is saying this as an excuse to cheat.  He said, "thats where the faith comes in."  I told him that it takes steps for people to cheat.  Like, for instance, they have to be getting to know one another, then flirt with one another, then one asks the other out on a date or they hangout, then the person cheats. He told me he disagrees.  He also wants to blame it on hormones, because when I have PMS I can be bitchy and he never liked it. I told him all the time how it was like out of my control that at times I didn't even realize how much of a bitch I was being until it happened.  So now I feel like he is using it against me.  Also later in the night he could tell I was upset.  I tried to shrug it off but eventually pointed to his head and said that his brain doesn't want me.  He then tells me, "No, my brain wants you.  I love you so much."  But then he pointed to his dick and said that his dick doesn't want me.  I am so hurt.  I don't even know where to begin.  I am trying to find a therapist for myself at this point because I am feeling embarrassed and duped.  I feel like had I known this was going to happen especially so shortly after we got married that I wouldn't have married him.  I feel like I have made a mistake, and I love this man, but I feel like all he does is blame me for all his problems, yet when I ask if it is me he tells me that it isn't.  How is that fair?  It just makes me resent him.  I asked him why this is all of a sudden coming to light.  That I suspect he has known this for a very long time.  He said no, that he had a revelation!  C'mon!  Does he really think I am that stupid?  I also suggested we do sex therapy.  He said he is open to it, but thinks we should have individual therapy to work on ourselves first.  I don't understand why we can't do both? I think he just wants to avoid him being the A-hole.

What do you guys think?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Quote from: livelaughlove4_ever on January 01, 2019, 11:40:39 PM

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  We are recently married.  We do not have any children.  For nearly 7 years my husband has not had much of a sex drive and therefore we have been struggling with it and intimacy.  It's getting worse.  I'm at the point where I feel like my husband is telling me all these excuses when I have been begging him for answers for the past 7 years.  The main excuse is that his testosterone is low (which it is), he has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  He has been on hypothyroid medication for the past 2 years and recently has seen a new doctor that prescribed him something else that seems to work better as his levels have improved by 50%.  His doctor wants him to come back soon to recheck his levels again, and if they haven't improved much more than she wants to put him on testosterone.  In the early years of the problem, he didn't go to the doctor to get it checked because he didn't have health insurance.  But now he does, so I can't blame him for finally getting it worked on.   However, I don't think him not wanting to have sex is because of his testosterone level.  I think it's me and every time we argue or discuss it he keeps telling me that it is not me.  But his actions and his words lately have me feeling otherwise.  He constantly plays video games whenever he comes home from work and then plays them until he goes to bed around 1am.  He works 12 hours for his job then comes home and plays the game.  I work a 9 to 5 job, but when he comes home I am eager to spend time with him and talk to him.  So him playing his game until bedtime leaves no time for us to spend together.  He also works on the days I am off.  He used to come home and watch tv with me.  Recently, within the last 2 weeks, he told me that he needs "alone time."  I asked him what does he mean by that?  What he means is that he comes home to play his game and I basically do not talk to him while he is playing the game.  That I don't ask him for favors around the house, etc.  Well since he has been spending time on the game so much, he doesn't lift a finger around the house anymore.  I have to constantly ask him to do something.  He either always puts me off or he does it days later or he doesn't do it at all. Well, if he is working 12 hour shifts then plays his game, then when can I ask him for help around the house? So I started to give him the alone time that he was asking for, and he didn't like that because I would either not be home or I would pretend he wasn't home because thats basically how he made me feel when he plays the game.  I feel neglected.  He has headphones on and can talk to his clan members, but he can't talk to me.  He talks to more to these people then he does me.  I am not opposed to him playing his game, I just don't think it should be so frequent.  He leaves no free time for us.

Back in October was when we last had sex more consistently.  After a few weeks I started asking him like why aren't we having sex and he would blow me off.  Then one day, I happened to be using his phone to look something up on the internet and I saw that he had watched a porn video.  I questioned him about it because I told him how much it hurts me that he did that because I have been asking him for weeks why he won't have sex with me and he would just blow me off.  Also, because a few years ago it was a huge problem in our relationship.  He would masturbate instead of having sex with me.  He even admitted at one point that he was doing it to hurt my feelings.  So we made an agreement that until he can get his sex drive issue worked out that he would not do it.  The day I discovered it on his phone he swore up and down to me that he was going to suggest we watch porn together, but he has not suggested it since!  Last month he also started seeing a therapist, but he told me that he is seeking one out because he just wasn't happy in general.  That he was depressed about his new job.  Then I come to find out that on his first and only session (so far) that he discussed his low sex drive with his therapist.  His therapist suggested we have sex dates.  But he has not suggested a sex date at all.  It's been a month since he last saw his therapist due to the holidays she was fully booked.  At least that is what my husband told me. On Christmas Eve we had a huge fight that led into so many problems that we have with one another.  We both agreed that we feel like we needed that.  However, he continued to blame every single problem on me.  He said that during wedding planning it was like a hobby and therefore I was not miserable to be around.  He said I am miserable lately.  I told him that it can't possibly be because all he does in his free time is play his game, right?  We had sex on Christmas Day and the day after.  But on Christmas day he told me, "I feel like I can have sex with you, but I feel awkward."  I didn't know what to say, and in awkward situations I sometimes say stupid things, so I chose to stay silent. Eventually he talked me into having sex with him.  Before Christmas day it was 58 days before we last had sex.

Last night we went out for NYE, he was drunk, so he finally opened up to me and I feel sick to my stomach.  Firstly he told me that he hasn't wanted to have sex with me because I am controlling.  I asked him for 3 examples of how I am controlling. The first and only example he could give me was that I don't allow him to masturbate when he feels like it.  I told him that I would be fine with him masturbating if we had a normal sex life.  He basically accused me of controlling his body.  I told him that he has hurt me in the past with choosing not to have sex with me and choosing to masturbate instead.  He said he understands, but it is still me wheeling control over him.  I said, well then why did you agree to it in the first place?  He told me so that he doesn't lose me.  Then as the night went on more comes out.  He tells me that he is bored with me sexually.  He told me he talked to his therapist about it.  He told me that his therapist says its normal to want something else from time to time.  I told him that yes, I could understand that.  I probably would feel the same way he does but our sex life hasn't been consistent enough yet for me to feel that way and be bored of him.  He told me he understood that as well.  I was kind of surprised he told his therapist that, especially during the first visit.  I asked him if he talked to his therapist about the masturbation thing and he said no.  I said, "well I think you should tell her the whole story as to why I do not want you to masturbate at this time."  He then told me that is me controlling him.  He said its not in my control what he tells my therapist.  I only said that so that she can get the full picture as to why I feel that way. I could see him leaving out my reasoning why because he doesn't like to be looked at as the "bad guy."  But I didn't tell him that, thats just how I feel about it.  So then it goes onto how the next time he sees his doctor he is going to demand she put him on testosterone.  He then went into how what is his hormones are so out of whack in the beginning that he will want to have sex all the time.  I said well, I've been ready and waiting!  But he was like, no, what if it makes me cheat on you.  I told him if he cheats on me I am done with him.  He then says, but what it its the hormones and how they aren't to the right adjustment (level) yet and thats why his hormones make him cheat.  I told him that I don't care.  I told him I feel like he is saying this as an excuse to cheat.  He said, "thats where the faith comes in."  I told him that it takes steps for people to cheat.  Like, for instance, they have to be getting to know one another, then flirt with one another, then one asks the other out on a date or they hangout, then the person cheats. He told me he disagrees.  He also wants to blame it on hormones, because when I have PMS I can be bitchy and he never liked it. I told him all the time how it was like out of my control that at times I didn't even realize how much of a bitch I was being until it happened.  So now I feel like he is using it against me.  Also later in the night he could tell I was upset.  I tried to shrug it off but eventually pointed to his head and said that his brain doesn't want me.  He then tells me, "No, my brain wants you.  I love you so much."  But then he pointed to his dick and said that his dick doesn't want me.  I am so hurt.  I don't even know where to begin.  I am trying to find a therapist for myself at this point because I am feeling embarrassed and duped.  I feel like had I known this was going to happen especially so shortly after we got married that I wouldn't have married him.  I feel like I have made a mistake, and I love this man, but I feel like all he does is blame me for all his problems, yet when I ask if it is me he tells me that it isn't.  How is that fair?  It just makes me resent him.  I asked him why this is all of a sudden coming to light.  That I suspect he has known this for a very long time.  He said no, that he had a revelation!  C'mon!  Does he really think I am that stupid?  I also suggested we do sex therapy.  He said he is open to it, but thinks we should have individual therapy to work on ourselves first.  I don't understand why we can't do both? I think he just wants to avoid him being the A-hole.

What do you guys think?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

This sounds horrible, Im sorry to hear that you're going through this @livelaughlove4_ever.

I hear all the time that men don't want to have sex, or can't have sex with their other half, but I normally thought that it was the other way around and that women are more likely. I could imagine it's really frustrating because you don't have that intimate connection and attention that you need.

He's in the wrong for saying that you're controlling and that's the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with you. How drunk was he? That's a pretty big claim to make considering that you have both been married and been together for 10 years. On the other hand, it may be worth watching your actions, too, as if you are persuading him and making him feel pressured to have sex with you (which is completely normal in your position) then this could discourage him even more.

I would honestly recommend the sex therapy, that's what I would do, otherwise if it keeps on like this, it could hurt your marriage.

Have you considered sex toys? They can be a lot of fun, Amazon do lots.

May be worth having  a chat with him about watching porn together again, that sounds like a good idea. I have done that with partners before, it does work.

Thank you for your reply.  I agree that sex therapy is really needed at this time.  We had a huge argument again today about it all.  He told me that he is doing the best that he can.  I told him, don't you think if you were really doing the best that you can, that you would do what your therapist suggests, and suggest a sex date?  I told him that it's been over a month now that he last had an appointment with his therapist, and has not suggested one at all.  He got angry at me and told me that it is my job to suggest it because he is the one that has the problem with his sex drive so that he needs help.  I said, well how am I supposed to know that you even need the help, if you don't communicate that with me.  I told him that he always blames me for EVERYTHING!  Its always my job to fix it.  He told me that I never want to do anything that he wants to do, but I told him that he never communicates with me and even bothers to suggest something.  For instance, I ask him all the time if he could take certain days off from work to do something together that is usually recommended by me, because again, he never says, "Hey, I am taking this day off from work to do _____.  I told him that he perceives me as controlling what we do because I make suggestions and thats not fair!  He told me that it is my job to suggest something that he wants to do to make him feel valued.  I feel like I can do nothing right anymore. This guy totally blames me for everything. He even told me that he wouldn't have wanted to take the time off for Christmas Eve or Day at his work so he could get time and a half and should've celebrated Christmas on a "non Christmas day."  I told him, well he works all the time and I always have to ask him to take specific days off and so thats what I did.  He hates celebrating Christmas every year, and every year he mocks it or makes fun of me for celebrating it.  He does it with pretty much all holidays actually.  I decorated for Valentines Day as I took down our Christmas decorations and he always has something to say about it.  How its not a real holiday and its companies way of making people spend money.  But as far as the Christmas thing, I told him...if I really knew this is how you were gonna be (as far as not wanting to take Christmas off after I ask him to), then I wouldn't have married him and I would have found someone more compatible to things that I enjoy.  Its important to me, and every year he doesn't seem to care.  He didn't even wrap my Christmas gift.  He put my Christmas gift in a suitcase and told me to open it.  I was like really?