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Author Topic: Why did my ex suddenly reach out and come back into my life???

April 10, 2019, 07:25:53 PM
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LoveIsConfusing


My ex reached out to me about a month ago, via text, after a few months of no contact from either of us.  We are texting pretty regularly now, and I have even seen her in person for a 3 hour lunch together.  But still, I can't quite figure out why she's sticking around and why she reached out in the first place, and I am feeling kind of stuck right now.

Here's a little background...

My ex and I are 29 (me) and 25 (her). We dated for 3 years and she broke up with me almost 5 months ago.  I won't hash out every minute of our relationship, but for the majority of the relationship it was very strong, and I do think both of us would say that freely. Often we would tell each other how unreal the connection was and how completely comfortable with ourselves the other made us feel (actually something I remember very fondly, hearing that all the time), etc etc. There were plans for the future and a lot of serious and wonderful memories made, lots of traveling, we lived together for a year and even got a puppy together.  But at some point the communication failed and distance got wider and then all of a sudden I'm being told its over. 

I tried playing it cool after we broke up and when she asked for some of her stuff back a week or two later, we ended up at dinner together like nothing had happened. We talked like we always talked, laughed like we always laughed, brought up great memories of things that had happened to us and lingered there talking for a good while.  But finally she came back to my place and got her stuff and that was that.  When I reached out a week later to try to play "the friend card" and say it was great seeing her, she completely shut me down and told me she was seeing someone new.  When we had seen each other she had told me she was considering giving up the puppy we had adopted, so in my emotional state of hearing about the rebound, I got angry and I told her she should give me the puppy because she couldn't take care of it. She pretty much told me to f-off and not talk to her anymore because she had this new boyfriend or whatever, and she would always consider the puppy hers and that would never work because we were never going to stay in touch or see each other again.
So I just never responded.  Mostly because I wanted to save any shred of self-respect I could still hold onto, but also because I thought it would be unfair to continue to pursue her as well after she clearly asked me not to.

After a month goes by, I get a text from her asking me if I'm still interested in taking the puppy.  I say yes, and we text about it a little, but she is cold and really sort of businesslike about the whole thing.  Then after taking a few days to think about if I would actually really want the dog, she tells me she wants $1700 for her, so I just stopped talking to her again.  This time I was fairly offended she would ask me for money and also decided I wasn't going to let her think that BS was ok.  So more radio silence.

So here we are two months later (about a month ago from now) and I get another text out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon: "did you ever happen to get a dog?"... obviously a message she thought I would respond to.  And I did.  But this time the conversation was different.  She was much more open and friendly. She told me all about what was going on in her life, that she needed to move to a new apartment here in our city, that she was going through a bunch of medical problems that had had her in the hospital a bunch, stuff about her mom and family.  I send her a song of a band we both like to cheer her up, she recounts the time we went to see them in person.. next thing I know its the next morning and she's texting me to continue the convo - and its pretty much still going on now.

Somewhere along the lines of when we started talking again, probably a week or so in, I started asking her more about moving because I am a Realtor (and I have found her the last 3 places she has lived in here) and she mentioned she had seen some apartments with a colleague of mine.  She mentioned that she didn't know I had switched companies (it happened while we weren't talkng) and that now she felt awkward that she was seeing apartments with this other guy and not me.  I kind of blew it off and said it was no big deal, but she brought it up enough that I decided she must be saying it for a reason.  So I told my colleague who she was and I took her out to see some options.  We saw a few places and when we were done I asked her what was next on her agenda for the day, and she said lunch, so I said let's go together...
We end up sitting there for over two hours talking and talking and talking.  It was surreal and effortless and natural and amazing.  But also bittersweet - I had healed a lot from the break up in the time since, and seeing her and feeling how great it is to interact with her again brought a wash of memories and feelings over me that I can't shake now.
But we talked about everything.. she told me what was going on with her, asked what was going on with me, told me how happy she was I went to work at a new office, she brought up all sorts of great memories and inside jokes we used to have, she even talked to me about her ex before me who she once almost had to get a restraining order on and how he contacted her again, and for some completely random reason brought up a girl who was pretty much stalking me when my ex and I first met.  She even recounted the time that he ex came to her apartment at 7am on a Sunday and I opened the door in my underwear and told him I was her boyfriend (really?!).  It felt like when you see your best friend from childhood or something after a really long time and just fall right back into it. Like I said.. a totally surreal experience.  The only thing that wasn't brought up ever, and still hasn't been brought up ever, on either side, is relationship status.

I haven't flat out asked my ex if she is dating anyone, and she hasn't mentioned or really alluded to it too much, but every so often she says something and I think "thats something you do with your boyfriend".
Here's a good example: One of the biggest and most substantial memories for both of us in our relationship is taking a month long trip to four cities in Europe.  Life changing.  We still talk about it even now that we are broken up.  She was bringing up stories from that trip left and right when I saw her in person.  So yesterday, we were casually texting about the next time she might be coming up here (she doesn't have an apartment here any more, so she is in another state living at home with her mom right now) and she mentions that she's going to Europe for her birthday so it wont be then.  Its hard for me to believe that she would be going back to Europe alone or with out a significant other, and it is also hard for me to believe that she woudn't know that telling me that would make me feel like shit.  Who really wants to hear that their ex is doing the one thing that meant the most to you of everything you ever did together, right?!

So whats the deal with her?! Sometimes we text about apartments and sometimes we text about normal stuff and sometimes its even deeper more emotional stuff (not about the break up though).  She sends me videos of her dogs randomly (our puppy and her two other dogs I also knew well) and occasionally an article about something we both were really into (she got me with Game of Thrones a few times haha - never have seen an episode without her, we even didn't watch the last season live so we could watch it all together).
There haven't been said "I miss you"'s or apologies or "I want you back"'s, but I honestly don't think I could call one of our interactions negative.  Sometimes I get paragraphs and sometimes I get sentences, sometimes I even get a flirt or two, but its generally all generally positive, or sometimes just neutral.

So I feel stuck.  I do enjoy talking to her again, but my end goal isn't to be a friend or pen pal.  I want to have a new relationship with her, I want to be the one taking her to Europe for her birthday, but I'm feeling really confused on what the next step is and how to take it.  She's apparently sick, living at home with her mom and not working right now, so if she has some rich guy who can take her to Europe for her birthday, wtf does she need me around for?! Where do I fit into the picture?  At first I figured she must be lonely to reach out, or maybe the new guy was gone, but now I am unsure.  I don't want to get hurt or used, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to reconnect with her.

That was a really long post, so thanks for giving it a read. Any thoughts?  Really appreciate anyone with something sincere to say.

 

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