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Author Topic: Trying to be friends with my Ex

October 27, 2019, 04:06:57 PM
Read 1083 times


Hey everyone.

So I've been part of a friendship group for about 10 years now.  We all love and treat each other like family.  One friend, a girl we'll call Jess has been a great friend to me.  She's always helped me out and vice versa.  We've always had a thing or each other but never really acted on it until last year when we ended up having sex after a party.

She'd just recently broken up with her ex who cheated on her and I was in a similar situation.  We carried on hooking up and suddenly started going on dates.  We couldn't get enough of each other and decided to start a relationship.  I absolutely loved it.  I've never met anyone I connected to so much in my life which I know is a cliched thing to say but it's how I felt.  I could just talk to her for days on end on not get bored.  We wanted the same things in life and for the first time, I could actually see a future with her.  I was in a bad spot before this and it gave me meaning again.  I actually began being happy again.

This past year has had it's ups and downs but I wouldn't trade the ups with her for anything.  Well mid year she told me that her Ex had popped up again and she was feeling really confused about stuff.  This isn't the first time this has happened to me, I've been cheated on before when an Ex has popped back into the picture so I started to panic.  We talked about it and I told her I was worried.  I knew her Ex was a family friend of hers so it was unavoidable that she wouldn't see him.  We carried on just fine but I started to notice that more and more things just weren't the same anymore.

She inevitably ended things citing she was still in love with him.  They didn't get back together or anything but she knew it would be unfair to me when she felt that way.  She wasn't horrible about it and insisted she wanted to stay friends and tbf, she did make a huge effort.  We've hung out loads and I guess in my own head I've been lying to myself that we're still a couple.  All of our friends think that we're lying to them and we're secretly dating no matter how many times we tell them otherwise.  I started to realise how weird us two still hanging out was.  On top of that we've still ended up sleeping together every now and then which is confusing things.

A few weeks back, she confirmed that she's getting back with her Ex.  It hurt a lot.  Since then our conversations been pretty stilted.  We argued when she came over about five hours later than she said she would.  Said she was leaving early to go for a meal with her now boyfriend and spent the whole night on her phone.  In the morning she said she was leaving asap to go meet friends.  I was annoyed and ended up snapping at her.

Last week, after barely talking I was at a friend's house and drunkenly told her I think we should give each other space.  She got upset and said I was pushing her out o my life because she wasn't sleeping with me which isn't true.  I explained that I'm hurt and don't care about the sex, I care because I love her and now I can't be with her.  After talking for a bit, I said I'd try to be friends but I'm finding it really hard which she knows but doesn't quite know what to do.

Well yesterday was my birthday and my friend was throwing a party for me at his house.  She was there and seemed to want me to spend all my time with her, I tried to pull away a bit and she got upset again.  I told her it's not fair that she wants me to be her best friend and expect everything to be the same when they're not anymore.  She left early and we haven't spoke since then.

I can't just be her friend again but I don't know what to do.  She's been one of my dearest friends for 10 years now and I feel like I've lost a huge part of my life but I'm so angry and bitter.  I'm sat alone in my room and it's tearing my heart out that I can't just speak to her.  She used to spend most nights at my house and now I'm just alone and miserable.  I want to be her friend but I don't trust myself not to lash out at her.  I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.  Even worse is that I don't want to make things bad for her, I know she's just as upset and just wants her friend back.

November 09, 2019, 07:04:38 AM
Reply #1


I think that you should cut off all ties. There is no friendship between two parties who have different feelings.

January 19, 2020, 08:30:54 PM
Reply #2


From everything I've witnessed I think it's possible to be friends with an ex but it takes a long long time of separation first. Trying to be close friends or even just hanging out with each other isnt going to work if there is any feelings on any side.

Give it time and remember you dont owe her anything. She chose to end it and you respected that. Now she can respect that you need some time before a friendship can be  considered

January 23, 2020, 04:49:09 PM
Reply #3


Remaining friends seems difficult for the one broken up with. In your case, she wants to retain friendship with you but not the relationship. She is getting the relationship from her ex, but not the friendship that you provide. I would break communication with her at least for a few months, perhaps 6 months. You will never get what you want (friendship + relationship) unless she leaves her ex. You will be frustrated by remaining friends because you want more, but she does not.

I have a somewhat similar situation. My GF of 5.5+ years recently ended our relationship. I have been overwhelmed by her decision. We had such great chemistry especially with intimacy, dancing, dining, travel, and communication. She is firm that the relationship is over, but she wants friendship with communication, dancing, and meeting. Every time that we communicate, I tried to get her to change her mind. After 7 weeks, I gave up and stopped communication even when we are at the same dance. I see no other way although I miss her every day and really enjoy dancing with her. I have been focusing on the negative things about her (mean things that she said about me and her condescending attitude about being there for me) to keep from communication with her.

February 11, 2020, 02:00:39 AM
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