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Author Topic: Struggling Badly with Breakup

October 01, 2019, 07:53:58 AM
Read 659 times


It's been 3 weeks since my fiance and I separated. Some details I can't get into too deep but I'll try. I met her at a place I went to that involved counseling. The first time I saw her I was completely enamored by her. She is the exact type I would look for. Times 10. Soon after she started, I would find out the counselor I had was leaving and I would be getting someone new. And of course it was her. At this time, I was in a bad place. Alcohol and drugs had taken a lot from me. I was staying at my parents place. When we first started to have sessions we clicked immediately. She is very strong. Doesn't hold back. Sarcastic. I knew that nothing could ever come of it, but I was bonkers over her. I would find out she was divorced, seeing someone for a while, and had her shit together very much. Which made me uncomfortable being completely open about my current state. I had no doubts about us never having a chance, but I still didnt want to seem like a bum to someone who I liked very much and who was doing quite well for herself. When I found out she was dating someone, at some point I said I was seeing someone, and that I lived alone with my son. Didn't think twice about it, just wanted to seem more together. Skip to over a year later and she has broken up with boyfriend, ish. I still don't think anything is possible. I'm there because of a bad issue I had, that I had gotten past, and she is my counselor. Not too long after when tells me she is looking for a new place. Maybe a week later she says she is looking at a condo in the same neighborhood that I live in. Now the wheels in my head start to turn a little. Why tell me this? She might live in same neighborhood? No, she will live across the street about 2 weeks later. I went into her work one morning and she yelled excitedly from across the place about buying it. She moves in, we have a session and she tells me about the place. How she has to take a satellite dish down, some other things. Of course I offer to help. She declines, because of our relationship at her job. It could end up being a career ending, follow her to any other job type of disaster for her. Wouldn't look good on myself either. She would have to find a whole new career. Leave her masters behind. I get it. I offer a couple more times over the next week or so, and she responds less hesitant, but still. I am literally across the street and could help. But I knew I wanted more than just that if possible. That last time I offered to help, hours later I'm at work and get a text from her. Says I can come look at it. This made my whole day. My week. The next Saturday I walk over with my son to check it out. I see what i need to take it down, but she is still hesitant on me helping. Or even being there. Paranoid anyone could drive by and see us, and it's a very understandable worry. By the time i leave she invites me to come back and take it down after i get tools. Over the next couple days I take it down, help with some other stuff and we text back and forth just chatting. She messages me one day asking if I can stop by for a talk after work. We sit down, she says she is freaking out over getting caught and can't do it. We delete each others numbers. I'm super bummed about it but get it. I don't want to destroy her life. I'm at the door ready to leave, she is at the tops of loft steps and say...."we could try the physical thing though, if you wanted". These 2 things back to back have thrown me for a loop. Absolutely we can try that. Didn't think twice. I have never been so nervous with someone as I was that day with her. I'm surprised I didnt have a heart attack before getting up the stairs. I was shaky and heart racing, breathing heavy. Can't believe she didn't notice. As I left, before I even walked home she messaged me. And then i knew we were ALREADY past just the physical thing just that fast. We start seeing a lot more of one another. Our kids meet. Everything blends very well. At this point the ex who cheats is still in her life. She is very up front about it, and breaks it off completely with him. He is in law enforcement, which was exciting for me. At this point I had been staying at my folks for a couple years. Getting things back together after years of heavy drug use. Things go very fast with us. I am ready to find an apartment. She doesn't want me moving away from neighborhood after being so close. We spend any time not at work together, our kids hanging out. Soon she asks me what it would look like if I stayed there part time. Feel things out. Probably a week later we lived together full time. Now I have forgotten all about how years before i told her how I was seeing someone, had a place, that I misled her as to my circumstances. Because she was a counselor I could never have that I wanted to appear as good as her boyfriend. Months go by and things couldn't be better. We don't fight. It's just amazing. I have a lot of things to work out from my drug days. Old debts is one. Garnishment at that time which took 1/4 of each check. I soon realize I am financially not where I though I would be when we moved in. Work slows, plus garnishment, and I'm hurting. But she is ok handling what I can't. We talk and I decide to get the garnishment lowered. Itll take longer to pay off but help more now. I have always been a procrastinator. And I have come to realize how much I lied about everything during my using days, and how much of that stuck with me. It takes weeks to hear about the garnishment and it turns out they deny me and won't lower it. And for whatever reason I don't mention it and just keep falling short financially because I don't want to risk letting her down or in issue in losing her. She is very...my way or highway. She had a lot of things that had to be done her way. But any negatives, I believe right now, were far outweighed by so many positives. She was exactly who my son and I needed. As time goes on, I realize that she has no issue stepping out of a relationship. There are a couple other things I didnt pull through with, buying items, because of money. But I always said I was working on getting them. And it never happened. I divorced from my ex wife years ago. But it was never finalized and I had no idea. She wakes up from a dream one night about me not being divorced, and asks me. I say yes, I am. She couldn't get past it, investigated, and asked me again because she couldn't see it online. I was very frustrated by this as I thought it was done. Ended up being something else I didn't follow through with. That was the last straw for her. After arguing about it all, my son and I were out couple days later. I initially took it all like complete shit. I was a shit show. Drove around for days. Had nowhere to go. All my money went to bills. I know I have an issue telling the truth about when I fail at something. Probably because I have looked bad for so many years, I try and not look that way anymore. And it makes me look horrible. But why was I always so scared to tell her the truth, thinking she would bail? She won't deny that she is a hard person to deal with. Be with. Live with. And while maybe at times I felt that way, I always labored her. And her kids. Everything we had. I struggle with my lies being small, and being because I was terrified to lose it all with her. But it's still not right. It's not right to rip apart a family within minutes. But maybe I did that. And now all of a sudden I have lost my best friend, fiance, and the woman of my dreams. I've lost our home. I've lost kids. And so much that went into each of those things. Oh and plus...she is across the street. I step out front and see her front door. I see her daily. We drive past each other. We have fought a lot through the past couple weeks. I am very lost with it. My mind goes from mad to sad to she has to be seeing someone to I hope she is ok to....a million things all the time. All day and night. Originally we were going to stay living together until I found a place. Then work on ourselves and come back to it later. Be friendly. But she seemed to toss out who I knew for someone who sheds no emotion. And I'm a mess. I was messaging about all sorts of things at the start. She has never once sent anything saying how.she feels. Misses us. Cant sleep. So that makes me more upset. I really struggle with it all. With losing it all at my own hands. Then with how she has acted since. I am a mess.


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