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Author Topic: Should I try to get her back?

June 10, 2019, 09:31:14 AM
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The mother of my 2yr old son and I met over 10 yrs ago. We started seeing each other when she was 18. I was 23 and it never turned into anything serious but we stayed and contact and every few years would spark another fling, usually she would want to make it serious and I wouldn't commit.

She dated a guy and got married few years later and quickly got divorced in less than a year after that.. I was fresh out of relationship and she contacted me while she was separated but the divorce wasn't finalized.. We finally decided to try to make things work between us and 2 months later she was pregnant. She has previously told me she had the implant and after she was pregnant informed me that she actually wasn't on birth control at all and eventually told me down the line that she did want to have a baby with me. The mistrust began there. During the pregnancy we were on and off because I wasn't sure I wanted to be with someone who would do this. Her ex husband found out she was pregnant and while we were on the rocks he contacted me and let me know that she was attempting to get him back and talked about him raising my child.

After my son was born the natural feeling of wanting to provide and make a happy family took over me and even though it wasn't planned my son gave me a happiness I never knew exsited. I decided to try to make things work with her again at least so I could say I tried for my son at the very least. I never really felt that compatable with her and we would but heads often. The next 2.5 years we tried to be together but broke up several times, usually we both just got lazy and gave up and would be very distant to the point of being miserable together.

Always during these break ups it would be a month or so of very little contact unless it involved our son, we both even dated other people for a bit. We would miss each other and eventually reunite but it would turn into the same situation again. 7 months ago we were split up and started to reunite until I caught her talking to 3 other guys and had been basically dating one of them all while trying to work things out with me and saying she wanted to be with me and have another baby. All my insecurities took over and I took her back and said I would try my best to trust her and we would both give it 100% and make it work this time because we do love each other and the thought of other men with her made me realize how much I didn't want to lose my family.

We had planned to move back in together after about two months of much better relationship or so I thought because about a week before I was supposed to move in I caught her talking to another man again. She claims to have never had sex with any of the men she talked to it was only texts and I believe her for the most part as she let me read alot of the messages. Her reasons for talking to other guys were basically that I didn't give her enough attention and she was depressed. I could have definetly tried harder to make her happy but I was also dealing with depression and stress as I wasnt over the initial times I caught her and made me always wonder if I should be with someone who has caused me so much pain through the years.

I walked away after this was the 3rd time I had found out she was speaking to other men behind my back not to mention the child support she filed against me when at the time I was caring for him 80% of the time. I had enough and felt like we could never be happy together and I would never trust her.

That was 4 months ago. We barely spoke but she attempted to get me back several times and I denied her. We did have 1 hookup after we had a little to much to drink 2 months ago and I told her it did not mean we were getting back together this time as I could never open up to her again after she has hurt me so much.

I found out she is now in a serious relationship through a Facebook post a friend informed me about for the past 2 months or so and that this guy has been around my child often. We had an agreement that we would at least introduce the new parter to the other before our son. She broke that agreement but I finally got to meet him last week. When I found out she was in a serious relationship enough to want him to meet my son i felt like I was replaced and crushed me. Me and my son have an amazing relationship and I get him 3.5 days a week but I can't help but feel like I'm excluded from his new family.

After days and days of self reflection I've came to the realization that I never really treated her as good as I should have as it seemed like I was always wondering if I was trapped or could do better. Now I've lost my family and feel like I have nothing. Yes she has done awful things but I wasn't the best to her either. I know at the bottom of my heart I love her and she has always told me she knows I'm the one no matter what and has loved me since she was 18. She seems happy with the new guy but a part of me just wants to tell her I have realized how wrong I was all along blaming her for all of our relationship problems and not taking responsibility for how I didn't appreciate her. I love her and want to be with her.

Should I tell her this is how I feel and maybe have a chance at getting my family back before it's too late? Or am I just reacting to the situation and just need to find a way to move on? At this point both options seem impossible. I fear if I do tell her I want her back it could cause problems with the new bf and our co parenting relationship if she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I'm lost. Please offer any advice if you took the time to read this and I'd really appreciate it.

June 10, 2019, 08:45:41 PM
Reply #1


Sweetie...I so badly want to tell you to run back into her arms, but I can’t.

You have nothing without trust, kind of like a car without gas, it won’t move!

She keeps coming back as I see it, for two reasons, comfort and your son.

I wish you health and healing

June 11, 2019, 06:51:03 PM
Reply #2


No nice way to say it, so brace yourself. You never had a family, son. You had a child with a woman you never should have been with given your nature. You will never have a family with her, it's just not in the cards. All you will ever be to her is a second chance, which is precisely what you are keen on being yet again.

I'd ask what sort of relationship you two had before all this, but I get the sense that I'm right when I say you weren't calling the shots or ever someone she looked up to. No shame in it, some men just prefer a gentler, better way of life. That's why we have gentlemen and they are something to be aspired to. But there's a difference between being a gentleman and being a doormat. A difference between being a gentleman and being a home for the right woman. This woman doesn't see you as a home, nor do you see her that way. Otherwise, you'd understand her motives.

I know her motives all too well. Some people are assholes, and I am one of them. There are different kinds of assholes, and you've got yourself a grade-A narcissist complex. To her, nothing she is doing is wrong. Nothing she has ever done was wrong. It just had reasons for being right at any given time. This time, she wants to keep you on the back burner for what she indubitably sees as a wise plan, guessing correctly that you will have trouble leaving her. Without such arrogance, she'd never stay in contact with you. She'd be on to better things, save that she can't achieve them. Certainly not by herself.

There's a little of that in all of us, but exhibited to this degree, she makes it obvious. She isn't even playing the same game you are, and what's worse, she isn't good at it. So what are you to do?

Use her weakness against her. She craves validation, deny it to her and focus on creating a better home for your child. With her actions, she'll only ever sabotage herself and her life, the chances of success lessening at each turn. If she doesn't outright fail, she'll eventually pass your child off since she didn't really want that child. She says it every time she looks for another father, another husband.

You got mismatched, so I'd suggest finding a more gentle sort of woman. One less ambitious and more forgiving, one more in line with your chosen actions, and build a life with her. Not that I'm the expert, I have yet to make a marriage work for my own reasons, but I know plenty of short-lived ones. Not just mine, but those of more than three decades of experience with others. I've seen her kind before and yours as well. You screwed up at square one. Time to fix it, and that starts by taking away the veneration you clearly bestow upon her.


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