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Author Topic: Should I still talk to him for closure or ghost him?

June 22, 2020, 03:54:25 PM
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doniecindy


I met Sam in a yahoo chat room years ago. We instantly clicked and talked for hours and hours using voice and video call. Over a period of time, the frequency of our talk declined from 3-4 times a week to once a week and sometimes, a month would pass without him showing up. When he would finally show up, he would reason that he was just busy with work.  I would ask him when would we see each other in person and he would always reply someday.  In my desire to see him, I applied for a US visa and was luckily approved. When I told him of my trip to the US, he told me that he is going for a business trip to UK at the same time.  Basically the timing of my trip was wrong.  Since my flight and hotels were already booked, I went ahead with my trip to the US with my office mate.  There in the US, using another account, I found out he was in the US that time and not in UK as he claimed.  My heart was devastated but maybe the thought of finally fulfilling my dream of seeing NYC, Hollywood, Niagara Falls dampens my disappointment with him.

Over the next couple of years, we continued talking. I know I am so stupid to continue doing so. But I have already fallen for him (some may find this unbelievable, but that's how I felt for him).  With Sam, we could talk about anything and everything.  I felt I found someone who shares the same wave length as mine.  He also made me feel beautiful and sexy, something that I don't  think of myself as one.  Over the years, I have come to accept and conditioned myself that he is just not ready to commit yet.  Later on, this idea has transformed to my mind that he has commitment phobia (again stupidity on my part).

To be fair to him. there were few instances that he asked me if I would want to stop whatever we have. That he feels guilty that I am waiting for him.  I would say no and then we would resume again with the relationship we had.

Sometime in 2017, he said he is fed up with America and he would go back to Australia.  He sold his house in the US and moved back to Aus.  There, we would talk my mornings and his afternoons.  Things have progressed there as we would talk more often, he would confess more intimate details bout himself.  He would even say I love you out of the blue.  I thought, our relationship is finally elevating to a new level.  We would talk of me going to Aus and meeting him. By the end of 2018, he was flying the idea of him going back to the US.  This time to Texas. I asked him I thought he was already done with the US. But he said, he finds Aus now so small as compared to the US.  By middle of 2019, he relocated to the US.  From the time he relocated until February 2020, we continued talking.  Come March, we only talked around twice that month.  The entire April and middle of May, no words from him again.  By the 3rd week of May, we were able to talk for less than 30 minutes with him reasoning out that he is busy with the university research work he is doing and he is covering for those who has families who cannot come to work because of covid. 

During the time we were not talking, I am not sure if by heaven intervention, but I happened to stumble upon his linked in account.  I got curious with his work experience and I researched the companies.   The last 2 companies were the ones that really made a shattering impact to me.  One company listed him as President. I was impressed and searched that company. I saw the products the company is offering which coincides with the work he was telling me all those years.  Another website showed the company registration for that company and officers/members.  He was listed as Member together with another woman.  My initial reaction is ohhh.  In that same website, I searched the registration of the second company and found out that him and the same woman are listed as Member/owner again.  When I checked  the actual website of the company, it  was mentioned there that the woman is married with one son.  I maybe stupid about my feelings toward him, but it does not require rocket science to put two and two together to figure out they are married. 

My world collapsed. Coupled with being stuck at home due to covid, I developed depression.  I am blaming myself for falling in love with him, making him the center of my life, believing that someday, I would be able to change his mind to commit.  I want to ask him but am pretty sure he would not confess at all. Now, I don't know what I would feel next time we talk.  Not sure if I would pretend I don't know anything or just completely stop talking to him and ghost him.  But doing so, I would always feel that there was no closure at all.  My friend told me that maybe, there is something wrong with his marriage that I somehow fulfill his needs for companionship, talking and sharing thoughts.  Regardless, he is a jerk, for leading me on and letting me believe that we had something.


June 23, 2020, 11:19:03 PM
Reply #1
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ChrissWarn1989


Hi Doniecindy,

First of all, I don't think you need to feel guilty of falling in love - we are all human and it is normal and great to be able to develop feelings :)
But before I want to say more, I wanted to ask you - is it really him you are falling for or just the idea of having someone next to your side?

June 24, 2020, 06:56:03 AM
Reply #2
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doniecindy


Hi ChrissWarn1989,

Thanks for the kind words. Am not sure but I know I hurt a lot when I learned about his marital status. Up to now, I am still hurting.  And I get jealous thinking that he is happy there with his family, while I am here feeling miserable. It's not easy letting go of something I have hold on to for so many years, believing we would end up somewhere. For now, am still undecided on what to do next. Hopefully, as time passes by, I will be able to forget him and forgive myself in the process fro falling in love with the wrong guy.

July 01, 2020, 06:11:08 AM
Reply #3
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MaryT89


If you ever thought of becoming a Dating Coach, then this information may be very useful: https://bit.ly/3dOeVHq

July 01, 2020, 12:04:42 PM
Reply #4
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vp613


I think you should just ghost him. There is nothing he could say that would make the pain he caused you any better. He is clearly not willing to commit or leave his family for you, and even if he did leave them for you it wouldn’t make it better that he has lied to you about it all this time. You deserve so much better!

July 31, 2020, 11:48:17 PM
Reply #5
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lostsoulyearning


I am really not good with closure as I usually just end contact without saying my full feelings sometimes and honestly I don't think its healthy for me or in general when you don't get those feelings out. If you were to seek closure I'd say let him know how what he did really hurt you and don't talk to him after that cause he is very deceiving for keeping up lies for years. Do what you feel would make you happier, I am no expert but I know through time you will feel better without him. Sending lots of love your way , stay positive

August 01, 2020, 10:14:17 AM
Reply #6
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marindi01


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Today at 12:42:34 AM
Reply #7
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Chrissyk


you should ghost him. you went out of your way and spent time and money to visit him just for him to lie so he wouldnt have to meet you. it seems like he doesnt have genuine romantic interest in you and is just using you as someone to talk to and someone to validate him. you probably wont ever get the closure youre seeking from him unfortunately.

 

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