My apologies because it will be a long one..

I feel the need to share my feelings because it overwhelms me day after day. She was my first real relation and we had met online. She moved countries for me at age 19.. from the first moment that we met in person it was so intense and everything fell in it's place and directly felt like we knew each other for years. Throughout the years issues developed, my issues, her issues. Our relation gradually seemed to become less healthy.. Our love never faded, our discipline and motivation for each other neither.. But our strength did, we slowly became tired.. we slowly started to argue more, and more.. more pain.. more crying.. more fights.. talks of hours and hours. No real solutions. I made the same mistakes, she made the same mistakes. But we did still have amazing times from time to time. Somewhere down the road she also moved out towards her own place because it all became too much. First that helped, later on it didn't and we went back into the same patterns. Towards the end of our relation everything felt so intense, so deep.

We had built up a very deep emotional dependance on each other, we had partially shut each other off from the social world. We had our own world where we lived and shaped each others personalities. We were an intertwined deeply connected soulmate couple.. that is atleast how we felt it and described it to one another. But the deep pain took so much from us.. I am a 25 year old very emotional sensitive man that discovered himself through a road of so much feeling and pain and love that I find it extremely difficult at this point. I don't think it's normal how much we have cried throughout the past 3 years... I found myself crying at random moments out of nowhere in the shower, during cooking, on the sofa, even at work at times.. I felt empty and terrible, she felt empty and hated herself. We could not give anymore, and that is when she finally broke up.

We still tried to work some things out in the 2 months after until the beginning of december 2019. During those 2 months we were broken up and it seemed to heavily improve our sex life. The sex had never been so intense, so passionate, the love was so very much. The pain was even deeper. Our relation, our emotions felt like we carried the world on our backs and we could not properly function in life anymore. Our whole lives were consumed by the relation.. yet our love was still so deep and it probably still is.

There was this guy that had been texting and stalking her for almost 2 years. Asking her out like 8 times while we were still together.. she always joked me about it but was open and denied him friendly.. but it's with this guy that she "cheated" with. She let me know via text around 20 november that she felt so much regret.. everything had happend except penetration. I forgave her knowing in what bad place she was mentally. Hating herself, she told me she wanted to escape her own life. Close her eyes and be someone else.. 10 days later she needed me heavily for heavy mental support because she received terrible news. We had an amazing day that meant a lot to both of us.. she made promises out of herself and really showed love.. only to break the promises 5 days later and she had sex with that same guy.. while I was out of town with friends.. she let me know the next day in the evening via a text.. I called her crying, I did not even recognize her anymore.. she sounded so cold.. she literally told me she was gonna hurt me more. It felt like she wanted me to hate her. Those emotions went above my head and believe me, I can really take something.. I was about to vomit but kept it together. I broke the contact 2 days later permanently.. She texted me a day later and practically begged me for a goodbye and to see each other a last time which I politely declined. I thanked her for everything, told her she made her choice and wished her good luck in life.

Toxic is a word that comes to mind.. I have nightmares, I still cry, I feel like I need to talk so much more about it all. The real missing starts right now and I don't really know what to do, where to go.. I talk a lot with my family and friends, even with colleagues and i'm quite open (minded). I'm putting my deep pain, anger and hate that I feel into sporting. I try to channel my energy into work progression. I try to talk with everyone. I go out, I do things and stay distracted.. but the more I look at it the more I am afraid, in deep pain, a knife through my heart that we have not worked out at all. I'm wondering if she misses me.. wondering if it could still work.. knowing that I can never forgive what she did to me in the end.. I'm just curious for some opinions, some support, some advice.. Is this just because she is my first real love? I feel pure fear when I think about her. I wake up because of the nightmares about her, chasing her in my dreams, crying to get her back while she denies me and jokes me.

Thank you kindly for reading this whoever you are.. it means a lot to me.

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