Hey all - I could really use some help and thoughts at this time. Some background - I’m 21, male, gay, and have been in two previous relationships prior to this, both of which lasted around 1-2 years. I’m currently set to graduate from college in a few weeks and enter the workforce, so the following situation is even more stressful - not to mention the fact that the holidays are approaching. it’s clouding my judgement about which coast I may possibly want to work in.

My current boyfriend (20 turning 21 in a month) of a little over a year has asked for a ‘break. While we were together one day, he noticed pictures of shirtless celebrities I’d saved in my instagram for the first time and it triggered body insecurities and trust issues in him. The pictures meant nothing to me and I am extremely attracted to him. He knows this, but is now saying he can’t be in the relationship - he needs to work on issues alone. Digging further, he also mentioned some loss of feelings he’d still been having. (Back in September, we took a one week space from each other when he was feeling disconnected in relationship. 6 days in, we met up and spoke and I feel we got stronger. Since then, everything has felt fine and he even began mentioning a possible Hawaii trip we could go on next summer - all of course until now).

So, we met up and he explained how he needs to be single, but doesnt want to break up. We agreed to be in some sort of “Pending” stage - not seeing others, but not talking/meeting up for an indefinite amount of time (could be 3 weeks, 3 months , a year, etc.) My boyfriend wasn’t very reassuring and didnt want to give too much hope. He explained how he wanted to take space and then get back together but wasnt sure when/if that might happen. Still, we didn’t break up and agreed instead to this relationship purgatory. He cited his fears about not wanting these issues to turn into larger isshes that may make us resent each other, cheat or abuse each other down the line. Of course, I understand that but believe issues need to be talked about and worked on as well. I’m sure most will disagree with my decision to agree to this indefinite break/limbo, but I truly do not want to break up. I do not want to break up and do not want to move on or have anybody else.

This relationship has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. We share a compatability that I know is rare and espcially amongst other gays, I will not find. I love him deeply and picture a long term future with him - not imagining it with anyone else or even wanting to try with anyone else. We’ve traveled together to Ireland, Dominican Republic and other places - exploring, having fun and at the end of the day, laying down at 2 am in my bed just staring at each other.

Now a day after we’ve spoken, I’m extremely depressed, anxious and scared and can’t function. I’m confused about when we should check in with each other (after x amount of time?) and to make matters worse, we originally had upcoming plans. Next month, I was going with him and his friends on a small nearby trip from Dec 19-21 and a few days after that, is my boyfriend’s 21st birthday celebration. Essentially, yes, I’m waiting around for him and the ball is in his court, but I’m terrified. I want this to work and I truly see him as special. I miss him so much just as I’m typing this and all of his stuff is still spread around my room.

What should I do? Thoughts? In particular, what plan of action should I take - how long should I wait before reaching out to check in? I don’t want to lose him. Is he going to miss me and maybe be in a clearer head to work things out? Previous relationships haven’t been like this - when they were ending, I knew they should end but i tried anyway. This specific one is different. I miss my baby.

I feel your pain when I read through your post, especially he decided to pend the relationship when you think this is getting stronger. My advice is, since you really love him, send some kind but not pushy messages to him from time to time and wait if he still wants to go to the vacation with you and his friends. If he didn’t mention it to you, then I feel like he doesn’t feel that bad/sad as you do. If that happens, I really hope you could be brave enough to cut the tie and let him know that you’re moving on. I used this to my boyfriend when he said he needed a week to think if he still wanted to continue our relationship because he felt miserable due to my depression. Then I said ok goodbye. And he’s like, suddenly felt really sad and realized that he really wanted to be with me. So if he ignores you, and doesn’t give you a specific time interval, tell him that you’re grateful and happy being with him and say goodbye. If he feels bad and realize he loves you, you two can have a stronger connection than before. If he agrees to end the relationship, they means he doesn’t love you that much, so why are you wasting time on him. I’m sure you’re a beautiful and strong young woman and deserve a much better man who always love and care about you. Good luck!!