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Author Topic: Ruined relationship due to my stupidity (20M)(20F)

January 11, 2020, 05:07:40 PM
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ilpsfm23


I hope you read through this all, I'm not too good at sharing stuff like this and want some solid advice. I just wanna give some background first, I feel its necessary. I understand this is Solely my fault.

I ended up distancing myself from my girlfriend HARD for about two months Because i was depressed, this has to be the worst decision of my life because she was having troubles at home, about to be kicked out on the street, but i didn't know it until it was too late. I did a lot of thinking during that time though. "how am I going to move forward with my career?

This was my first relationship ever, began in February of 2017. It started of good we got along. I've known my girlfriend since the 6th grade, about 10 years right now. We started dating in the second half of our senior year of high school. My Girlfriend has a lot of emotional baggage from previous relationships and even life at home. Over the past three years. My true colors started to show. I never knew i would react this way to different parts of a relationship.

In general I had a pretty good childhood there was the occasional hiccup like any kid has but in general it was fine. As a kid i was never too social, i stayed in the house playing video games, but I was never a total recluse. I've always been an introvert unless around people that I'm comfortable around. I've never been emotional, I can't express emotions as well as others. As a result i keep to my self quite often. I don't know how to sympathize, or show I care when I do. My girlfriend on the other hand, her Childhood and up through high school was a nightmare. Abusive parents mostly. She suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, and has even tried taking her life a once.She's a genius, one of the smartest girls I know. She got good grades, was in a lot of clubs in school. I couldn't ask for anything less. She's a strong resilient girl that knows what she wants and how to get it. But then there is me, easily discouraged and soft spoken.

((I wanna just list off the problems we had within the relationship. I'm not a good Story teller, nor am I good at coming out about this kind of stuff))

-Problems begin after a couple months. She addresses my inability to sympathize and and respond to serious conversation. This is a persistent problem that carries through the rest of the relationship.

- Another Problem comes around the one year mark in our relationship. When I invaded her privacy and found texts of her bragging to her friend about how good the head was she gave to a male co-worker. I'm not the confrontational type and was really hard for me to bring it up to her. Her excuse was "I didn't feel like your girlfriend at the time you're not really affectionate.". She begged for my forgiveness and I did forgive her as hard as it was,I forgave her. Sex was never the same from that day forward.

- One day I fucked up bad, my friends and I look at girls on the internet all the time, its what we do and have always done before having a girlfriend. One random night in about January 2019, My girlfriend caught me flirting with another female over twitter. Now, I had no intentions with this girl out side of flirting for shits and giggles and showing the boys. There was no convincing her that I had no intentions with that girl. Since then I've stopped completely.

- Around the same time as that, she addresses how selfish I am. What she means by that is I talk about myself a lot. This is by no means intentional and I simply just try to carry the conversation on. I am completely open to talking about other things with no problem. Its just a Habit I wanna break. Maybe I just have trouble communicating, Because to this day, she will ask me why i did something, I will proceed to tell why the reason why I did it, and finish with saying "I'm tired of your excuses" or "Try another excuse". I think to myself a lot " What am I supposed to say then?". I find my self not saying anything at all during our serious conversations because I look to tread lightly in these situations and watch what I say but cant say anything because it just comes out as an excuse and it loops back to the I only talk about myself thing.

-One last thing is since a child, I've always had a horrible habit of telling white lies. and that carries on until today, when I feel insecure or uncomfortable. But I've never lied about anything serious to the relationship. I do however say I'm okay a lot when I'm not, and I feel this fact destroyed our relationship.

Ill save your time and wont go into specifics lead up but I'll just say I've had a lot of emotions pent up inside for the longest time, like years because I had no idea how to express them to my girlfriend. I've always had a slight mistrust of literally everybody, because I'm afraid what i tell them won't stay confidential between us two.

Keep in mind my girlfriend has a metric fuck-ton of emotional baggage. It has always been something i could manage though, having my own baggage and stuff that I didn't share. It got to a point where I was emotionally unstable, but i feel like her problems out-weighed mine and as a result i felt like i could never share. But i Understand she's been through so much and I wanna be there for her. But as a result of me being stressed about many different things, as well as holding my girls baggage, I find myself out of tune with my emotions. Short temper mostly. I was mean a lot, like I was evil to her, but didn't want to be Things came crashing down when in November 2019, I lost my car and as a result couldn't work, I was fired from my job. This sent me in vegetative depressive state. I couldn't function no motivation to do anything.

I ended up distancing myself from my girlfriend HARD for about two months, this has to be the worst decision of my life because she was having troubles at home, about to be kick out on the street. I did a lot of thinking during that time though. "how am I going to move forward with my career?" and " How can I do better as a boyfriend?". The answer was I can't do better as a boyfriend. In the two months I was a vegetable my girlfriend was kicked out of her house, she had already been browsing Tinder and has found a new boyfriend and lives with him.She easily could have lived with me. Now I'm below where i just was mentally and can't continue without her. The past week or so after getting motivated and contacting my girlfriend just to hear that news, have been me groveling for her back to no avail at this point I'm lost and feel like i cant go on with out her. We've had so many hiccups in this relationship, but she was the one i was ready to lock down with. I feel like I let my mental health ruin us as a couple. I hate myself for it and want to go back in time. We've been texting and she says she doesn't know if she can give me another chance. shes seeing all the bad I've done before the good, she doesn't see that I've changed in the past two months and believes that I'm just telling her what she wants to hear.

Out side of that, things have been looking up for me. I'm about to have a job. I was going come out swinging, making her feel like a queen.

Ive gone to so many people for help. And I feel like she is too far gone. She was the reason i got out of bed in the morning.

Ive bought her stuff, and even got her a Christmas present with the money i had left while i was depressed. Now I'm dead broke, no job, unmotivated again, its like I'm back to square one. I guess I see myself as irresponsible in a lot of ways and a lot of this could have been prevented. It's all my fault.

-Basically, I just want tips and advice on apologizing and asking for her back.

-I've been constantly texting her, I'm afraid to give her space because I don't want to give her the idea that I'm nonchalant about it.

-Is there no getting her back?

-If so, how do I move on?

-I also wanna hear similar stories so i can have realistic views on what to expect. (DM me)

Thanks for reading, I not good at this at all.

TL:DR

Ruined relationship because i was too scared to express my feelings. Got really depressed because I lost my car, and subsequently my job. Couldn't be there for my girlfriend while she was being kicked out of her house because of my mental health, but didn't communicate that to her because i felt there was no room for my baggage. While i was to my self, she Moved in with another guy, and hates me.

February 11, 2020, 02:08:33 AM
Reply #1
Offline

melissa brown




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