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Author Topic: Need Advice - Break Up, Rebound Pregnancy, Reconnection

December 21, 2019, 03:41:53 PM
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I'm new to this forum, and I'm seeking advice from anyone who may have experienced this situation before. I've spoken with a counselor, my family, and her family on this, and nobody seems to know what to do besides be patient and be supportive.

Here's the story:

My ex-girlfriend and I started dating October 2016. We had known each other from college on a professional level in 2008 being President/Vice President of an organization, but nothing ever came of it as we were dating other people and we are both very loyal people. In October 2016, we reconnected on Facebook, went out for a drink, and immediately hit it off. Literally, we hung out almost every day driving back and forth over an hour to each other's apartments because we loved to be with each other. We are on each other's level with professional careers, we have the same hobbies, same interests, and greatly enjoy each other's company. We had two cats, and we did not want children. We did drink a lot which wasn't healthy, and as you read on, I think you will see that was a big issue. Our families also like each other which is a big plus. Within 3 months, she moved into my apartment on New Years Day 2017, and she was already talking to me about marriage. I wasn't ready for this step, and wanted to wait at least 2 years before making that commitment. In April 2017, I bought a house, and we both lived there with our two cats. We were in love, we didn't fight or argue, we had fun, and financially we were set. When I say that we were in love, I mean it.

By mid 2018, I noticed that she increased her drinking to daily, she started to forget things, and I started wondering if she was truly the right one. She had a lot of anxiety on certain things, and I focused mainly on work and making money. She had approached me multiple times about getting engaged up to this point, and I said I wasn't ready. She then recommended counseling to get us back on track, and I was stubborn and stated that if we can't figure it out then it wasn't meant to be. At the time, I didn't see anything wrong with our relationship, and I still loved her and did not want to lose her. This was my ignorance.

By the beginning of 2019, we both felt as though we became roommates. I still loved her, and she stated she loved me, but she thought we should break up because she was only getting older and wanted to be married by 30 and was now 31. She stated that all I cared about was money, and it was never enough. She also said that I rejected her for sex, and we had lost our connection (we were having sex about once a week at this point, where we used to have it 4-5 times a week). Rather than stepping up and trying counseling like she suggested, I started to push her away. I didn't want to break up with her, but I did want her to be happy. I tried the whole "if you love them, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be." Well, in this case, she still wanted to live together.

From April 2019 to July 2019, we remained roommates. She would go on dates, and come home crying saying nothing is working out and wishes we could work it out. I didn't do anything but state that I'm sorry she felt that way. After time, I decided to sell the house, and I told her that she needed to find a place and move out. She seemingly met a guy on Tinder during this time, and he helped her find a place about 30 minutes away in Milwaukee.

That's when things got bad. I immediately missed her and regretted letting her go. I would try to reach out to her and call, text, and talk to her, but she said she moved on. I was heart broken, and couldn't believe she was able to move on so fast. I continued in August and September 2019 to reach out a few times a week, and although she would answer her phone and talk to me and tell me that she does love me, she also said that we were over and she wasn't coming back to me. In late September, she told me that she was pregnant. She had met this guy in July, and by mid July, he had got her pregnant by not using birth control. She was drunk, and did not know he was not using a condom. She stated that she needed some space, and wanted to be honest with me about the situation. I tried to take it as well as I could.

In this time, I went to the drawing board. I had almost $80k in the bank after selling my house, and no debt to my name. I could take care of this child and her if she wanted me back. I spoke with her Mom and sisters about it, and they said to be patient as she's going through a lot right now. When I started talking to her again about it, she said that she does love me, but doesn't think that we will get back together. She said she didn't believe the guy was the right guy for her and she doesn't love him, but he seems to love her and is good to her. He was also excited about having the baby. I gave it about two weeks of no contact in October, and then I started talking to her again.

She then agreed to meet with me late October, and we started talking daily and hanging out once a week. She stated that she did still have strong feelings for me, but right now during pregnancy felt "A-Sexual" and also very confused with high anxiety. She also said that she felt better that she wasn't drinking anymore, and believed this child will help her live a better life and be her moral compass. She said she believed I would make a great step dad, but didn't know how to tell the guy and wanted to be patient. I tried to be as patient as I could, but it was so difficult. I did bring up what I could do for her and her child, and that I would help raise the baby and support her if need be. I bought her gifts and took her out often to try to show her that it isn't about the money, it is about relationships and giving her my time. Everything was going very good up to until last week.

Last week she came over to my apartment, and at first everything was great. She said she really liked my place, asked where I would put the cat boxes if she let me have the cats back, and again said that she wished she didn't live where she lived. I got excited. I asked her why she was still living there and seeing her boyfriend if she had feelings for me. She told me that she didn't know what to do, and she didn't want to make a decision right now. She also told me that he has a temper and control issues, and she's seen him get in bar fights and break stuff. She was worried what would happen if she broke up with him. I began to panic and told her that I wish it was my child, and that this isn't fair to her or me. I regret my words and actions as I know it showed insecurity and immaturity. I was also concerned that she said he had a temper, so I looked up records on this guy, and found out he has domestic abuse and a restraining order on his record from 9 years ago. I told her that I found that on him, and I think that was a big turning point in our re-connection. We still talk a few times a week, but she said that I really stressed her out. She still answers my phone calls and texts, but I notice that she's quicker to get off the phone.

I really believe that this is the one, and I want to show her that I can be patient and supportive. How do I 'undo' what I did in the past week and half, and get things back on track? Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

Thank you, and Happy Holidays!

December 22, 2019, 03:20:51 PM
Reply #1


If you don't want to read the whole story, here is the summary:

1. Reconnected with a friend from college, we hit it off and lived together for 2.5 years.
2. She wanted to get married, but I wanted to wait
3. She began drinking and became less attractive as I felt I was doing majority around the house
4. She then wanted to break up because she wasn't married, but still wanted to live together
5. I eventually got upset and stated I was going to sell the house and she had to leave.
6. She met a guy, and then he got her pregnant. She is not in love with this guy, but doesn't know how to tell him.
7. I regret my decision, and I do want to marry her. At first, she said she loved me but didn't want to get back together.
8. Now she's stating that she thinks she does want to get back together, but she doesn't want to rush into anything.
9. I have made mistakes and am trying to rush things, and am noticing she's not as talkative on the phone and we don't meet as much.
10. Is it too late? Did I blow it? How can I show her that I can be patient?

How slow do I go to make sure I don't mess this up? I moved back into an apartment, have went on 20+ dates, and nothing feels the same level of compatibility and attraction as with her. Your advice is greatly appreciated!
« Last Edit: December 22, 2019, 03:23:45 PM by DedicatedtoLove »

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Reply #2


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