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Author Topic: I was selfish and I lost him.

March 22, 2020, 08:34:39 AM
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SO here is my situation..

I met this guy who was everything I ever wanted in a man. We got together after a month. We were together for a year, long distance, and now it's over.

He is 26 and it was his first serious relationship. I got out of a serious relationship just 3 months prior but we clicked so well and we had so much in common that it was totally worth to jump into the relationship with him. HOwever, after 6 months, my ex came back to me and confessed he still loved me and wanted me back and it totally messed up my mind since my boyfriend worked 500 miles away and I got to see my ex almost daily at college. I started being very unsure of what to do because I knew that it would be another year and a half until we can live together and until then, I'll be basically randomly seeing my ex who was very passionate about me and I didn't know what to do. I also started comparing those two. Specifically, I started realising what I'm missing in a relationship with my boyfriend that my ex boyfriend had (even though he was missing like a thousand different things which led to the breakup. )

I even told my boyfriend about my feelings for my ex and I told him I was trying to fight them and that I don't want to get back with him because it wasn't working. He was sad and disappointed but never yelled or complain and was very understanding and patient. After that, our relationshiop cooled down a little bit and I didn't understand why becuase I felt I was honest with him. However, I felt so out of place dealing with long distance, communication, my feelings and my ex being around that I decided we should take a break in January. He didn't handle it very well, he didn't expect it but I just needed to clear my head to realize what I want and to get over my doubts. We met after a month of no contact and it really really helped me to put my thoughts together and realize that there's no reason to dwell on the past and I have to just completely break contact with my ex and never look back because my real boyfriend is my future and I want to be with him no matter what. Well, at that meetup, he surprised me with a break up. He cried and was very emotional and I was just surprised because I didn't expect HIM to make the decision, he looked so convinced he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

And he told me that we were not compatible because I see love from a different point of view and that we can't be together anymore because I'm very stubborn and never listen and he can't be with someone who has feelings for someone else making him feel like the second wheel. He never told me about these things before and that was then when I realised what a mistake I had made and what I had put him through becuase he never complained but suffered in quiet. I never thought about his point of view on this, I never took time to see how much he was hurting and when I realised, it was already too late.

We didn't communicate but we met after a month and we talked casually about life and it was all good and told him I realized what I had done to him and How sorry I was for putting him through that but I stopped communicating with my ex and I don't want to be stubborn anymore and I love him so much and want to be with him. He was pretty cold and refused to give it another shot and he thanked me for the year and said he would always remember me but seemed very unphased even though we are going to be living in the same city in two months and our long distance would be over.

How can I make him see that I mean everything I say and that I know that HE is the most important person in my life and I want to be with him forever? I don't think he knew or felt like this in our relationship for a while.  It is the biggest mistake of my life. We are currently not talking becuase when I texted him after the breakup, he would respond after two days something very neutral. It's been two months since our breakup and I will never forgive myself. Is there a chance he will change his mind about me? Can I do anything?

March 22, 2020, 03:18:29 PM
Reply #1


It sounds like he just wants to be left alone. If you guys distanced yourselves for a month and he decided to break up with you afterwards, he made up his mind. The fact that you guys talked again after another month of distance and he STILL does not want to get involved with you again means that he wants to move on from the entire situation.
Either he's still very hurt from the situation and still needs time to heal or he just doesn't see himself with you anymore. Your best bet is to respect his wishes, give him space and work on moving on.

But please do not beat yourself up over this. You're human and it was a natural response to gravitate back to your ex (aka your comfort zone). Take this as a lesson learned, that's all.

March 23, 2020, 04:52:28 PM
Reply #2


Yeah, it seems the guy's over it. It seems that he's hurt.

I don't think bugging and begging him to get back to you will convince him somehow - actually it will convince him he made the right decision. You would also likely not to fall for an ex who is chasing you around obsessively. 

You learned a lesson. I don't know if hiding your messy feelings about your ex would be a better idea, I think what made him so unhappy about the relationship is that his hurt feelings were not acknowledged. Probably he felt a bit humiliated that he sort of needs to "wait in a queue" while you "make your decision and let him throw his life to your feet".

If he was more emotionally skillful, maybe he would have the skill to bring up these feelings to you and make you aware of them instead of brooding on them.

If you were more emotionally skillful, maybe you would have the skill to show him more sensitivity and let him feel he is still number one.

So, there was a regular pattern of misunderstandings and feeling that went not communicated.

When we suppose we hurt someone, and he seems not to react forcefully, we are tempted then to conclude that the incident is closed and pretend nothing happened. We think that the storm is over and avoid "reminding" them about the uncomfortable issue, hoping it will somehow get forgot. Often while the other side feels humiliated and not willing to open up because he suspects it will humiliate him even more if he opens up and you dismiss his feelings like he suspects you dismissed them in the first account, so he expects you to make the first step and "invite" him loading off on you. It's also not the most mature thing to do - holding feelings inside, but we often behave in such a way.

Well it's easier said than done - inviting someone to tell you a bunch of negative stuff that will likely make you feel attacked and very uncomfortable, takes a lot of courage and self esteem, and also a skill to handle it without losing your sense of security. Especially when your feelings are already messed up and hurting, so no wonder you couldn't muster up the power and skill to stand up to people while tearing up inside and feel all kinds of anxiety symptoms. But if you do it right, the other person will likely feel deeply seen and cared for, and also see your inner strength, and will hold you in high respect, even if it's you who initially hurt him. Maybe if you train on it in the "small" scenarios, it will be easier in the "big" ones.

I think the best thing here is to learn your lesson and to open yourself to the new possibilities. There are many fish in the pond, and probably your relationship was not the "perfect" one anyways as both of you were behaving not optimally. Also, with such communication patterns, it would likely to reach another low.

It seems you already figured out your lesson, but if you still feel you have things to process, there is a good book about break ups that is encouraging to take it as a growing opportunity - it's called "Conscious Uncoupling". I'm in no way associated with the author, just read a half of it and think it has some valuable advice. It's evokes pretty much uneasy feelings and encourages you to do inner work, so I read it slowly.

Take care!

March 23, 2020, 05:06:13 PM
Reply #3


* sorry for the bad English, I tried to edit it but it seems that the site does not save the edits.

March 23, 2020, 06:27:41 PM
Reply #4


So you don't think that a heartfelt letter or a sign of my true feelings for him could break him? That I really mean it and really care for him? And do you think it's a good idea to try and stay in contact with him ?

And do you think there is a possibility of him changing his perspective of me after some time? Because I know that I screwed up a relationship that could've and would've otherwise lasted for years. .... I just can't get over it.

March 23, 2020, 07:13:37 PM
Reply #5


I'm not sure that desperately trying to woe him is the best option... Anyway, I don't know a silver bullet to "get things like they were in the beginning".

I also don't think that you need to just superficially "move on" and "get over it", by trying to forget and distracting yourself from your feelings.

I believe you sense deep pain, attachment, loneliness, craving, and maybe feel desperate and panic.

I believe there is a tremendous potential for you in leveraging those painful and tense feelings, opening up to them, expressing them, and not trying to suppress them. It's not an easy thing to do, and may hurt a lot, but you'll get to know yourself better and feel more alive at the end of the road.

This way, you'll become more attractive both for your ex and for other potential candidates. Once you regain some clarity, you can better assess your steps.

Practically I suggest to read the book, write a journal, do sports, dance, run (unless there is a curfew), draw, sing, cry, do something expressive, and avoid trying to dull the pain by sinking into a netflix and chokolate butter escapism too much, or a work/studies one. Easier said than done, especially in times of being outside restrictions.

Good luck.


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