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Author Topic: I hurt two people I loved dearly

April 28, 2019, 03:44:11 PM
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ihrtbsk


My friend introduced me to her boyfriend and we hit it off immediately. Him and I got along on the spot. We didn’t even talk that much to each other on that first day we met, but when we did, it felt fulfilling, it felt like it had substance. I looked forward to talking to him more, spending more time with him. The more we talked and hung out, the more I liked him, and I could tell he was going through the same experience.

This, of course, begs the question: “But doesn’t that mean you wanted your friend and him to break up so the two of you could be together?” and the answer to that is... no, I didn’t.

I don’t know what his past relationships had been like, but I know what my friend’s had been like. They were awful. And seeing her with him felt right. I loved the fact that they loved each other. I loved how they treated each other. I loved them, individually and as a couple. My wish wasn’t for them to break up, it was to be part of what they already had. I wanted to belong with them. Both. Together. Not just him, not just her.

That’s a point we always made very clear between him and me, when we actually got down to brass tax and talked about how we felt about each other. I asked him “Do you still love her?” already knowing that the answer was yes, and it put me at ease. I let him know that I was more than fine with that, that I loved them together, and the fact that I had feelings for him didn’t change that. Before I knew it, I couldn’t stop thinking about being with them. I’d always ask how things were between them, and if they fought, I’d try to calm them down so that they’d talk to each other more forgivingly again.

We agreed to talk to my friend about this. About our feelings. We didn’t have a plan in mind because, honestly, no matter where we turned, there didn’t seem to be a solution anywhere in sight. But we wanted to tell her anyway, we wanted her to know.

We were together one day. Just the two of us. Just me and him. And we kissed, and hugged, and said we loved each other. And my friend, upon a lot of suspecting and anxiety, asked him what had been going on between us because she’d always felt the connection him and I had, and he told her. I wanted to tell her too, I wanted both of us to do it, at the same time. So that she wouldn’t think we were hiding it from her. We wanted her to know, we just didn’t know how to say it without making her think it was her own fault, that she was lacking something, that she wasn’t enough.

She was hurt. Of course she was. Because just because him and I were comfortable with the idea of a polyamorous relationship, that didn’t mean she’d be comfortable with it as well.

She left him, she ended our friendship and now there’s an emptiness inside me that feels like it weighs a ton.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2019, 03:48:24 PM by ihrtbsk »

 

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