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Author Topic: I've lost my soulmate

July 04, 2019, 12:55:41 PM
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I apologize in advance because there comes a huge text, but it is necessary, to explain my situation. And I'm also using google translator because I originally posted it on a portuguese forum and it is way too big for me to translate by my self, sorry.

Well, we live in a very small city, about 30 thousand inhabitants. We've known each other since high school. We started dating at 18 and she was 17 years old. Other than a childish adventure in pre-adolescence, I've never had a relationship before her. She had been through some, but all too shallow, too. We were together for 12 years. I've never been so passionate and emotionally dependent on her in my life as I am now. She, from 1 year to now, began to present some episodes similar to the depression, with deep sadness, cries and bad mood. She even made some complaints about our relationship but in all matters they seemed to be normal conflicts of any relationships (at least for me). The first time I was aware of what was goin on was when on a Wednesday she warned me that she would leave on Friday for a two-day women-only spiritual retreat that actually ended up being three days, and I went to fetch her along with her parents on the event. Since then she has also incurred a very large debt with a bank and became financially disorganized. I tried to help her using an app to control spending, but she seemed to only understand that it was meant for recording expenses, not for control and expense reduction. a while ago she asked me to keep her credit cards to control them. The thing is that at some pont of these 12 years she was getting a salary 2x bigger than me and never managed to save anything, so we lived 12 years without moving together, because I could not afford both our bills and livinghood necessities. Her family even gave us a old house, but it would not last much, so I preferred to wait a little longer and buy a property that would be viable in the long run so as not to lose the money invested in furniture and other household necessities . Well, this is an report of our financial dynamics. Emotionally like any couple we had our problems. She is raised in a very traditional family of the city, who is accustomed to many events such as family celebrations, quermesses and etc. I am the opposite extreme. I am very introspective and avoid social exposure. The arrangement that was made is that I would never stop her from attending any event she wanted, but would not be always at her side in these. Apart from that, when I met her better in my teens, I realized that she, as in brazilan band Skank song, "closed with my dreams like no one": She was from an excellent family, she did not have many previous relationships or problems with them, shw as a sweet and loving person. All that I ever wanted. After the beginning of the episodes she began to get very oscillating, but she encouraged me to take a big step in our life: I invested my savings in a mortgaged apartment, I sold my car to buy the furniture the way we wanted, she chose the marbles.. The way it was mean't to be. But in the last episodes of her she seemed worse and worse, until last Thursday she decided to break the engagement. I have no words to describe what happened to me at that moment. It was worse than the mourning of a relative dying. I screwed up. I begged, I asked to find exits, to get help, but she was determined. The next day she gave a reception for coworkers at night at her partent's. On Saturday went to a coastal town to eat sushi. On Sunday she went out with her parents. Blocked me on whatsapp and facebook. Over the weekend I, in shock, sent several messages trying to get closer, without the slightest chance of success. Yesterday she unlocked me on whatsapp, just to send vey objective messages about returning things we won to our apartment, like a refrigerator that is in her house that was given by my mother and an air conditioner that is in my house and was given by her mother. I? I had a nervous breakdown on Friday and was hospitalized. Since then I've been taking medication for anxiety and panic control, as well as having consulted with a psychoanalyst. Despite all that is said about overcoming this phase, this is my problem: I spent 12 years planning the moment in which we would be a couple under the same roof. Planning and organizing financially. At times because of financial difficulties people thought I was stalling her, but it was really all part of a care not to end up in an insolvent situation. Now all I feel is fear, longing for her, confusion and a huge willingness to have the person back while she at the most will call me in a candid voice to show empathy. But in the end it's just that: empathy. Not a will to have the relationship again.

Another aspect is that this person is very innocent emotionally and also very without malice with the things of life (even because we are reaised in a small town), and one of the things that I'm sure will happen is that people will take advantage of her both phisically and emotionally, and this will kill me from the inside even more. I do not know how to overcome

I will add a few comments on the above text: when I write of "Despite everything that is avaliable about overcoming this phase, I did not write, but what I wanted to say is that I do not want to have to overcome. I have the conviction that I found the woman with whom I would grow old next to me, so in addition to the financial issue, I spent these 12 years taking care to never leave her in a financially risky situation, and treat her the best way I could.

And just to give a closure, in addition to being caught totally off guard by the end, I was still in the most vulnerable position I've ever been in my life: totally committed body and soul, in love as I've never been, I had just invested my savings in the apartment, I was very stressed about the issues that needed to be resolved so we could move (electricians, painters, furniture, plumbers, builders) and I do not even have a car to walk, once I sold mine to pay for the costs of our home.

I do not have a life anymore. My life is to try, and fail miserably, to distract myself from everything that is happening. Half the time I try to accept what happened, although I do not want to, and in the other half my heart is filled with a foolish hope that there would be a return, which she has already made clear that will not happen, by cutting all our links as shared passwords, social media, etc.

This post is basically a emotional outburst because I don't even know what to do, to think or to be anymore. Any help will be greatly well recieved.

September 04, 2019, 05:24:45 PM
Reply #1


I’m sorry you’re dealing with tthat it sucks but time heals

September 05, 2019, 08:15:20 AM
Reply #2

Shelli Lopez

One of my friend also suffer from this issue after that I give some advice and suggest to watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOtNpO-A4wM


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