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Author Topic: Hurting and confused

July 07, 2019, 04:45:36 AM
Read 552 times


Im writing this to talk about the relationship that i was just in that is causing me alot of pain...Im not dealing with it well...Im sleeping for days, eating terribly and questioning my existence and worth... So I met my ex girlfriend on a dating site in or around oct 2017 i was looking for someone in the area that i could meet..I had just moved to this area not to long ago, i found a beautiful girl that lived .4 miles away from me... i reached out and we chatted on the site briefly, but she didnt seem to responcive, all i knew is that she was 31 and lived  close to me , I remember asking her if i could text her, she finally responded a couple days later with her phone number... We started texting and asking the normal questions that most do when 1st talking to someone, she had asked me my story and assumed drugs or alcohol was a part of it stating that it was everyones story, I responded that i have never been through that.. she said oh thats good to know but i could tell she lacked trust in people...After talking for a while she said we could go out for a drink soon, but it was hard for her because she had a 2yr old ...that made me a little uneasy because i had a bad experience in a prior relationship with a woman that struggled keepin her ex at bay... She said he wasnt in the picture at all, i felt relieved....It took a while to get her to meet me out, but our first date we decided to go bowling and have some drinks, from what she told me her mother was happy to watch her daughter, i guess she wanted her to meet someone....i actually felt good about the situation.. so we meet at a local bowling alley and start talking, got a pitcher of beer and bowled...she told me that she normally doesnt drink alot but had some extra glasses of wine because of nerves... i didnt think to much of it, we went to the bar and drank a lil more and played some pool...i noticed by looking at her that something was off, i wasnt sure if she was un-interested or maybe something was wrong, she all of a sudden became pretty intoxicated. We left and i took her to another venue, we had some more drinks hung out for a while then left shortly after, my plan at this point was to go back to my house and hang Out...i remember kissing her in my truck before entering my house... im sure we both knew what would happen, we had a good night , and fell asleep together... she left in the morning and texted me that she had a good time.. thats what started our relationship in November 2017...wasnt to long after i got an invite to her house, but that she had to put the baby to sleep...i want to say things didnt get serious until around January or February 2018 ...We watched the ball drop together, ate , had drinks and slow danced in her living room....i was having some anxiety so i went home to get a klonopin...i calmed down by the time i got back, but she insisted on me giving her 1... We talked, had sex and passed out.. in the morning she didnt remember much of what happened, i was upset...at this point i knew she had a drinking problem .. she also had told me that the babies father wasnt a good fit for her, because she left ny not to long ago with the baby and left him behind... till this day i know it still bothers her and there is still unfinished business with them...im not one to judge or dismiss anyone because of there past or problems.. we all have a past and bring diffrent things to the table...in the beggining she def had a wall up, she would always say lets go with the flow and see what happens, seemed like she didnt trust and also mentioned she didnt want to waste time.... she wanted to meet someone but i dont think she was ready for a relationship, or maybe just not with me....So at this point i knew she had an alcohol problem, and was hooked on ativan, and def wasnt over what happened with her ex... but I believed that if i showed her that there were good men out there, and a good life without substance abuse that she would snap out of it... on valintines day i bought her a lil necklace with her daughters birthstone, she wore it and posted a pic on fb saying happy love day... it made me happy... i started sleeping over there alot and getting close with her and her daughter ... it felt good to hold someone, to hang out with someone, and to feel affection and love from her and her daughter ... we texted and flirted through out the days and were together at nighttime. She would say shes happy she met me and likes my company...she was very secretive and private about things though, prob embarrassed from her past...she wouldnt talk about much, it took me a long while to finally get something out of her, she told me about her relationships and drug and alcohol use that started at age 15 ...i guess i really didn’t understand the seriousness of it all, i had never dated an addict..... i remember it taking a good 4 months for her to actually admit we were in a relationship, i think it was april 2018 when she told me that she thinks she loves me ,right after she sprung a suprise vacation on me to antigua that she was going to with a freind that jus got out of a relationship .. i didnt like it at all.. im thinking my new girlfriend with a drinking problem is going on vacation for a week with her girlfriend thats prob bitter over her relationship and wants to let loose... i cant prove that anything happened, but in my mind my chances werent good, on an island, drunk and high all day, beaches, beautiful weather and opportunity to have fun...also she didnt reach out to me to say she landed or even a hello until 4 days later blaming the wifi...it was obvious to me that when shes drinking shes not to concerned with much else...it bothered me throughout the relationship and i did make some comments but she always denied something happening..... i did finally let it go since it was very early in the relationship...through out the 1st 10 months of our relationship she was drinking and popping ativans daily.. it was hard for me, she didnt like to talk about things, wasnt really affectionate and intimacy didnt have much passion, it was just sex...most of the time she passed out drunk normally right after us messing around and sometimes didn’t remember things the next day..., i would say she would on average drink atleast a bottle of wine every single night, sometimes more.. even tossed in a couple shooters , she would put wine in a water bottle and drive with it, goto the park with it, and if we were ever out i can tell shes getting restless and wanted to leave to grab a drink, in truth i didnt lay into her alot because i know its a sickness, i knew she didnt like it, but couldnt stop, i tried to talk to her and build her up but there was only so much i could do, she would cry sometimes at night because she hated herself for letting it get to this point, i just held her and kissed her and tried to make her feel better... during those times she would say somethings to me that i didnt like, regarding relationships in general, past experiences with her exs and kinda had a whatever attitude towards things I believed were important in life and relationships ... i always felt like i was fighting to be loved, and never completely felt secure...regardless of it all, i fell very much in love with her and her daughter.. i wanted to help her, i wanted to make her happy, i wanted to be a good man and a father figure to her daughter.. i never dismiss people with out giving them a chance regardless of there issues, because im far from perfect myself...I only ever asked her to be loyal to me and i was ok with the rest, i felt as though when she stopped drinking that things would change and we would be happy together... she started getting very depressed and sick from drinking , she decided to goto detox for help, i was so happy she was getting help on her own, and had good feelings about the future.. unfortunately she showed up at detox drunk, and things took a wrong turn, dyfus got involved and summoned her to an iop program for 5 months, she had to go live with her mother, and couldnt be alone with her daughter for a period of time..her being at her moms was hard for me, i only seen her on the weekends and she was obviously not to pleasant, didnt feel well and wasnt in good spirits... i stayed patient and focused, i just wanted her to get well, and to be happy, and be back home and off iop...i guess you can say this was not a normal start to a relationship... there wasnt any dating, long talks, getting to know each other and all the fun and adventures most people start off a relationship with...but i loved her and decided to stand by her, especially since she was taking the right steps to get well... in truth we never argued , me and her daughter were super close, our families liked each other , and there was alot of things i liked about her that i had never experienced before..i wanted it to work out...after she moved back home and got rights back to be with her daughter it was around thanksgiving time... i had my room packed at my current address, and was giving things away in the hopes that she would want me to move in to see if living together would work, she had around a yr left on her lease , i had a solid job and moving to a new place was discussed if everything were to work out with us...but this also wasn’t an easy time, we werent having much sex, she was very edgy, and her emotions were all over the place..ontop of all that she got sick with migraines and a some type of immune system defeciency.. i think what held me together was the love and affection from her daughter, the love and acceptance from her family, and the love i had for her.. i want to say she did try with us, but as you can amagine it would be hard for anyone to give much in her current situation.. she would tell me she loved me, and appreciated me.. that was enough to keep me going... we had a nice thanksgiving, and a nice Christmas,she even said we could have a baby together, but that then wasnt a good time.. she wrote me a chrismas card saying WE love and appreciate you very much... it made my heart melt.. i truly thought at that point that we would have a future together.... 30 days later on feb 7th  i woke up to a text message saying that she couldnt do this anymore, and that she had dropped off my bag on my pourch with things i had at her place.. i woke up with tears in my eyes and in a panic shaking in disbelief .. January wasnt a great month for us, it wasnt bad, but maybe it was to much for her... we had a lil argument on new years which was a complete misunderstanding to where we were both offended and certain words should not have been said, it did kinda ruin our new year together for 2019 ... she was very upset and took a break from me for about a week.. i gave her space ..also prob around 6 months before hand we had a small fight over bs and she also  wanted a lil break from me.. so 2 small arguments in a yr and a half resulted in a break from me each time, i guess she couldnt deal with any type of stress...now back to new years 2019 we resumed after my apologies for how i spoke to her... so at this point we are good, trying to add some different things to her place to make her feel better jus coming home..i bought her a 60inch tv, a throw rug, and some other lil items..we ordered a new sectional with a pull out bed so we could sleep together at night, the queen sized bed in her room wasnt big enough for me, her, and the baby to sleep comfortably... yes the baby had to sleep with us lol ... i didnt mind.. they were my family, my everything...for about 2 weeks they slept in the bed and I slept alone on the new pullout.. def wasnt comfy but i wanted to be with them, even though they were in the next room.. the baby would wake up every morning and id hear her little footsteps running in the living room to come lay with me.. it was the best feeling in the world... she would turn her back to me and fall right into my chest and goto sleep a lil longer before her mom woke her for school.... but something happened end of jan and 1st week of feb... she was acting distant, intamicy and affection wasnt there, she was kinda giving me an attitude and didnt seem like she wanted me there, and didnt look exited to see me, i mean i wouldnt even get a kiss or a hello when i came over, she kinda jus opened the door and turned her back on me... i felt something was wrong, i knew she was sick and struggling with sobriety, but it was deeper then that in my mind... I remember questioning her and venting about her not showing me anytype of love... she responded with im sorry i cant give you what you need ... that really bothered me because i was giving all that i had to make her happy and feel better....and i didn’t require alot, i knew she wasnt well, i only needed a lil bit of love, and to feel wanted...my responce turned into a rant that im sure she didnt want to hear...a couple days after that she left me...i made the mistake of doing what most of us prob do when in a panic and hurt, i started calling and texting, asking why, looking for awnsers... she didnt say much at all... i wanna say I eventually calmed down and gave her some space, even though i did send her flowers for valentines day and asked if i could see her, she thanked me but wasn’t interested in talking or seeing me... about a month or so later , at this point being completely ignored...(worse feeling ever) i was out and about trying to occupy my mind having some drinks and playing cards with freinds, i drank a lil to much and for whatever reason i decided to drive to her house at 3am and rang the doorbell, I remember being hammered , and just wanted to see her or talk to her... she called me yelling as she should have and told me to leave.. it hit me at that point how stupid of a mistake that was... the next day i felt terrible, i reached out to her mother to apologize as well as to her... i liked her mother alot , we had a good relationship and spoke pretty frequently.. my girlfriend responded saying that she tried, shes sorry it didnt work out, and i need to move on, also blocking me from social media... i knew that i now made it worse regardless if we were to reconcile or not...i prob went about  2 months or so no contact after that but was still in so much pain. so i emailed her how i felt about everything and told her how much i miss and love her and her daughter... i got no responce, being ignored and blocked by the person you love might be one of the worst feelings ever... i decided to write her one last letter putting it all out there... to my suprise she responded by saying that she will always love and care about me, and that it just wasnt working for her anymore, that she never meant to hurt me and wished me the best from her heart, i was happy and speechless at the same time, I responded saying that i love you... she said i love you to... i guess that was her way of giving me closure after ignoring me for  months... i thought that would be enough for me to move on but it bothered me, i said to myself what could have not been working? What changed in 30 days? From talking about having a child, buying a bed for us to sleep in and potentially living together...I mean for the most part i did everything right in our relationship... i was loving, caring, loyal, understanding the whole 9.. i was that guy that everyone speaks  about wanting to have.. she had it and it wasnt working for her? I sent a couple more messages that were ignored ... but i did a lil fb investigation...now my worst fear other then losing her looked to be coming true... Another man came out of nowhere calling her pretty, beautiful, babe, baby... changed hes status from single to (in a relationship) and i seen a couple emoji hearts and comments from her end as well....So now already heartbroken with no real awnsers as to why she left i see there are small interactions between them , and shes not one to flirt or put her business out there..she actually never interacted with me on social media and deleted some nice posts i had put on her page when we we together, you can imagine how i felt...So now it finally hits me and my whole body gets tingly and numb, pain goes right to my gut...was she really seeing someone and building a relationship with another man while we were together? While i was doing everything i could to make her happy and help her, After dealing with all her issues and putting myself last, while i was watching her daughter and she was at iop.? while i was cooking, cleaning and waiting for her to come home? or did she get over me so quickly that shes seeing someone else a couple of months later? Talk about pain and betrayal and feeling used... if she couldnt give me the basics, how can she have the energy to give it to someone new? Especially in her current situation...i also believe she started drinking again as well... I personally have never been cheated on, ive also never gave so much of myself to anyone.. its been 6 months since she left and its not getting any easier... i remember telling her i can deal with all of this, ill stand by you, just please stay loyal to me...I understand that things happen, people have crushes, or may think the grass is greener etc... but i would have hoped she had some self control and not want to ruin what we have...Even if she lost feelings i didnt deserve that..  wow talk about a blow to my entire being... I completely let myself go, sleeping for days, not being productive and tourtureing myself with all of this for hours and hours everyday... where did i go wrong? Why wasnt i good enough, why didnt she love and appreciate me enough to communicate and fight for us.. i dealt with 15 months of her problems, i was like a care taker, and got minimal love in return...and you wanna know what’s scary is that i pray for her to feel better, to stay sober and i want her to be happy even as i suffer.. im not gonna lie my emotions are all over the place, but i dont want to be angry and vendictive.. i dont want her to suffer , i dont want to disrespect her and go off because of what she has done to me... and if she came back to me, i would welcome her with open arms and tears falling down my face... i think its safe to say the love i have for her is real... i love you kristi , i know you didnt mean to hurt me, i know you are not well...but i still cant understand why you did what you did...we never got to experience all the things i wanted to do with you...you never gave me a chance to get to truly know you, or for to get to know me...i truly believe that i was good for her and would have made her happy... despite it all we had alot of good times and things going for us that most other relationships dont have... i truly wanted a fair shot to grow with her and be happy.... unfortunately it didnt happen and im unable to shake the pain and depression i am feeling.... all i think about is the day she may reach out saying that she loves me, shes sorry, and made a mistake.... 🙏❤️
« Last Edit: July 07, 2019, 05:11:50 AM by Uski1915 »


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