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Author Topic: How do I break up after all this?

May 19, 2019, 05:27:34 AM
Read 1013 times



I'm completely stuck on this, and don't have a clue what I should do,
and it seems al rational thought has left me.

I'm a male in my early 20's, and have been in a good, but not always easy relationship with a girl who's finishing her last year of secondary school (she's 2 years younger than me). We were together for almost 2 years.
At the end of our relationship things were really not working, and we decided together that we should end things and break up (almost 2 months ago)
but since then we didn't stop talking via texts and messages. We called a few times and got into arguments, and, because we both felt that there should be another solution and we can work things out, we agreed upon taking a "break" and thinking.

Now, everytime we talk about "us", she gets really mad at me, making me feel like I don't care about us and I
am a piece of ****, because I don't show her that I love her enough or that I'm sure of what I feel.
This makes me feel really guilty and extremely sad.

But after a lot of thinking about everything and about life and things in general,
I KNOW now that things have to end. I can't build a relationship on the foundations of
feeling sorry for someone, or because it's easier.

And that combined with the reasons we broke up for in the first place
(We have very different expectations of a relationship and of life, we have very differing views on most
things about life, and I feel personally that I can't have a relationship right now, because I have to focus on myself, I need time to
build a little bit of self-love and confidence, ...)

So for a week or so now I know that I have to end things.

The problem is, that she (I think) still really loves me, or loves the idea she has of me I guess.
We live some 20 miles apart from one another, and have to travel at least an hour to see each other.
Yesterday things came to a bit of a blow.

I told her (via text) that we needed to talk in person, and asked if she'd have time (today or tomorrow)
but she said she couldn't see me, because she's busy for school and has plans with friends and family and such.
After she asked me why things had changed between us, and told me I needed to show her more love and such,
and generally being emotional, I broke and told her I still loved her (which is true in a sense, but I know it was a mistake)
and that we'd talk today.

So I'm completely stuck and this is the deal:
Her exams are coming up, and she told me she can't meet up to talk for another 5 weeks (until after she finished).
I understand this, but it leaves me with 2 problems

1. Do I wait to break the news until after she finished school? I don't want to be the reason she fails it, but I don't know if the situation we're in now
    is better (the doubt, the false hope, all that on her part) than if I just broke things off now (her exams don't really start for another 2 or 3

2. If I have to break things off now, do I do it over the phone (she can't meet up because she's busy, although I think she just doesn't want to)
    Or do I just go to her house, ask her to come out and do it in person (while taking a walk or something)?

3. Also, what do I say? I already feel extremely guilty and bad for not knowing what I wanted or could do for the past 2 months, and only now
    realising fully that things need to end. And she's gonna reinforce that guilt, which is normal because she really can't control her emotions, and
    she'll be very angry, sad etc.
    I just don't want to cause her more pain and confusion,
    and my nr. 1 priority is that she can move on as quickly as possible, and we can end things in a clean fashion this way, without completely
    ruining the memories and good things we shared.

Please help me, I'm drowning in this one, and I can't see the way out of it.

Thank you

May 29, 2019, 08:41:59 PM
Reply #1


She's probably "unavailable" just because she knows you want to break up with her, and she's trying to postpone it.  I'd just give her the 5 weeks and break up with her after that.  Don't feel so guilty.  You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  You really don't owe her anything.

May 31, 2019, 08:10:44 PM
Reply #2


I hesitated for a long time if I was going to reply to your post or not. The truth is I don't really have advice for you, but I can really relate and I'll try to help you. I'm in a situation very similar to yours and I know, it is very hard to find a good time, the good place and the good words to break up. First I thought it would be better to wait until after the exams, but actually if her exams are in a few weeks, I think you should consider doing it now. It is never a good time and if you postpone it everytime an inconvenience occurs, it could last for a long time, making it even more difficult for you.
I wish you the best of luck, I know it isn't easy.


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