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Author Topic: He loves me and wants to get married, I want to break up

July 20, 2019, 02:01:45 PM
Read 135 times


Hello all,

Having some real issues. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I’m 26 and he’s 36. He was divorced about a year before we met. We have a couple of dogs together and live together.
For the past year I’ve been unhappy, I’ve been unable to put my finger on what it was until I started thinking it’s my relationship and situation making me feel trapped. We get along fine, other than the usual arguments couples have from time to time and get past. I started realising I was so miserable all the time because I spent all of my time with him and didn’t get time for myself, so I started seeing friends that aren’t mutual friends and spending time focusing on things I like to do, this caused an issue as he would get jealous of everything I did and always try and get involved. We talked about it and I explained what I was doing and he seemed to accept it and has given me a lot more space. I’m just still not happy. I don’t know where it’s going and what the point is, he recently asked a friend of mine whether it’s time to propose to me, I’ve talked to her about my feelings so she told him not to but I just don’t understand how he can love me like that.

There’s no obvious issue with our relationship, everything is fine when we’re together I just can’t get past my need for freedom and feel so selfish. I feel like our age gap is now an issue because he’s so settled and I just feel like I’m wasting my life away.

I’ve thought about suggesting we take a break, spend some time apart, I wouldn’t be interested in dating other people I just want to see if it’s really what I want but I can’t help feeling it’s so selfish and unfair to put him through all of that when he’s so happy.

Sorry for the long rant! :-\
It’s stressing me out and I feel so lost. I don’t understand how two people can be on such different pages in a relationship.

July 30, 2019, 01:29:34 AM
Reply #1


Hello  Angiec92,

First of all, I'm not an expert, so don't take anything for granted. I can't say that i had the same situation, because there was not any talk about marriage, but I was in a similar one since my girfriend was not happy with our relationship past 2 months and she wasn't telling me thad loudly enough. She broke up with me, found another guy and all that resentment made the situation much much worse. It's been 3 months and i still haven't moved on, i can't do anythng productive and this is the time that can determine cours of my life.

So, now, let's deal with your problem and i think you'll understand why I told you all of those things. You say you are unhappy for 1 year which is very very long time for such a thing. This is more than often problem in relationships. You should think about what exactly is making you unhappy. Try to analyse if there are certain things that you can explain to yourself and him. Why? If you leave him and don't give him the reason, and you don't try to explain things, it may be more painfull for each of you. Obviously he doesn't notice that you are unhappy and that can be for many reasons. He maybe doesn't love you that much, maybe you aren't trying enough to show him that or maybe he is so in love and everything seems perfect to him that a little things make him think everything is allright. This kind of stuff can turn out pretty bad. You maybe don't show to the outside world what you think or feel, but there is a war in your head. You might think that no one can see that, but unconsciously you are doing things that you like and that are opposit to being with him. When this is happening for some time you literally become a beacon for all the others like you... you start atracting them. So, do you see how can this go wrong?

He is jealous, you say. Maybe he is afraid? Jealousy can sometimes be interpreted as fighting for something, which is a form of aggression, and aggression  is a sign of weakness. He may be jealous for no reason, it's maybe who he is, but he can also be afraid of losing you and that's why he feels weak, because if you don't feel anything there is nothing you can do.

It's very important to be happy. That's why you should try explaining to yourself what went wrong, so you could explain it to him too. If you can't, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. There just is no point with being with someone who doesn't make you happy. So think about yourself, do what is best for you, but try to hurt him as less as possible. He will hurt, that's for sure, but it's for the best. You feel unhappy and it doesn't mean it's your fault, but that relationship will not last like this and it can only be worse. By doing this veeeery hard thing you are actually helping both him and you, so both of you can find someone with whom they will be happy.

Best wishes! :)

August 03, 2019, 07:28:26 AM
Reply #2


If you feel like having freedom then go and get it. This is clearly your body having an emotional reaction that you can't put your finger on with logic. It could be the biological clock or a combination of things, perhaps fear of future regret in there too especially if you haven't felt you've lived or travelled a lot. Being 26 this would make a lot of sense.

One thing you shouldn't feel bad about is how you feel and what you want. People change and they become incompatible due to changes in environment or pursuits.

You're also probably dealing with the fact that you've been together 5 years, which is the sunken cost fallacy/bias kicking in. But the answer to having invested time into something and feeling bad ISN'T to invest even more time into it.

Try to picture yourself in Scenario A) With him in 6 months or Scenario B) Having freedom.

Which one looks happier and which one produces feelings of resentment?


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