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Author Topic: Girlfriend left me for someone else, is there a chance of getting her back?

January 03, 2020, 05:39:24 PM
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emmaemmi


Hello everyone,

I am in a dire situation, but I try to make it short. I hope, you can give me some advice on it or talk about your own experiences.

Next month my girlfriend and I (also a girl) would have had our 4 year anniversary. It was a wonderful relationship for both of us. We did not fight much, I moved in with her 8 months ago and we talked about getting married. It was very loving with a lot of attention, respect and love. Of course, after 4 years it is different than the first months because the infatuation has made way for calm and steady love.

Roughly two weeks ago she cheated on me with a female coworker of hers (she's started her job at the end of 2018, so she's known her for a bit more than a year). She immediately told me a few hours after, we cried a lot and I forgave her. I really did.

But two days after that she broke up with me because she said she couldn't be with me anymore. She wanted to see what would be possible with the other girl. Maybe there will be something, maybe not. She also said she still loved me, but it would not be fair to me because she's got these strong feelings for someone else. I pleaded and begged, but nothing changed her mind. In addition, she said that she did not want me to wait for her because we will never get back together, but instead after some No Contact Time we could maybe be friends if all (!) feelings are gone on both sides.

Of course I still love her and I will not force her to be with me. As if I was able to do that, that is something no one can do. But I have hope that she misread those butterflies in her stomach (which I totally get, it happens to the best of us) as stronger feelings and as soon as she realizes what she's lost, she will come back to me and we will live happily ever after. It really wasn't arguments or fights that led her to doing this. The only thing I can imagine is our everyday life having too much routine and she longed for this exciting and new feeling with her friend/coworker.

Has anyone ever been in that situation or a similar one? Is it ever good to get back with your ex?
Because I know of several cases in which wonderful relationships and marriages happened because of it. I just do not want to give up hope yet. Do not get me wrong: I will not wait forever, but maybe in a few months time everthing will be okay again?

Can someone help me?  :(

January 03, 2020, 11:23:38 PM
Reply #1
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breathturn


Hello,

I am so sorry this happened to you. That sounds awfully traumatic, and it's understandable you would be very upset and confused at your ex-partner's actions. Here's what I think happened: it sounds like your partner, although she seemed perfectly comfortable, happy, and content in her relationship with you, got distracted by Shiny New Thing, and swept up in the possibility of New Relationship Energy (NRE) with this other person. These things unfortunately happen a lot, because we humans are distractible and inconsistent creatures.

Your relationship was well past the infatuation stage, and it sounded quite companionate. If we are not careful about taking stock of what we have, and showing gratitude and appreciation for our partners and the love and stability they provide at this later stage of relationships, we may "grass is greener" ourselves into a hurtful situation because we feel a rush of attraction or infatuation toward someone else. It sounds like that's what happened to your partner -- she got swept up in a new attraction, and the feelings and neurochemicals probably overwhelmed her a bit and convinced her that she had to leave you to find happiness and truer love. She may find infatuation and good sex, sure, but she won't find what she had built with you over 4 years, overnight.

If this was something that she felt she needed to get out of her system, she could have communicated it to you, and divulged that she felt a strong attraction to a coworker. She wouldn't have even necessarily needed to have acted on it, but you could have discussed mutually if that was something you would be willing to allow in your relationship (specifically, the exploration of ethically hooking up with someone else). Or perhaps her gravitation toward this other person was due to her feeling a lack of sexual excitement and that sort of NRE (it's a drug, seriously) -- that sort of thing can be discussed, and mutually worked on to mitigate.

As an aside, I would question the ethicality of sleeping with a coworker, particularly if there is any sort of power differential (don't f*ck up, or down). I would be interested to know the justifications your partner had for this action. It's just never a good idea.

My advice is this: sometimes it's reasonable to reunite with an ex, and sometimes it's not. If there is a lot of hurt, it takes a lot of work and making amends to ensure a reunion would be healthy (I wouldn't immediately forgive someone without a lot of discussion about the hurt, why someone felt and acted the way they did, what they were thinking, their motivations, etc. and discussing how that person would behave and communicate differently going forward). I have had a partner somewhat spontaneously and out-of-the-blue leave me for someone else before, and it was definitely a shock. They didn't return, so I had to make peace, let go of my hope of reunification, and practice self-care to help me move on.

Are you currently still in a No-Contact period? Even if, as in this case, her actions of leaving out of nowhere and enforcing a no-contact period appear drastic and hurtful, it's important to try and honor it. Except -- do you still live together? I assume you share bills? It's 100% not fair for her to completely abandon your shared household and impose complete no-contact, when you presumably manage tasks as a team. But if she moved out and decided this is what she must do, you unfortunately can't stop her.

But right now, it's imperative that you do your best to continue your daily routine, practice self-care (however that looks for you), and get plenty of social time with friends out of your home. Prepare yourself for the possibility that your partner may not realize her mistake and reverse her decision, much as you understandably hope for that. And if she does revert, be prepared to have some very important conversations about her behavior and communication before you blanket-agree to forgive and let her return to your life.

I hope some of this helps!

January 04, 2020, 05:27:23 AM
Reply #2
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emmaemmi


Hi! Thanks a lot for your elaborate response!

I think the thing that hurt the most as you wrote was that it happened pretty much out of the blue. We could have talked about it and discussed it, but it ended like this.

The thing is: I personally believe that she was attracted to that specific coworker because of two reasons. (I mean, I am not able to look inside her head obv, but I dare to say that I know her. And yes, I agree, love in the workplace can become pretty complicated.)
1. You mentioned the power differential between coworkers and there is some, her coworker is her team lead. Not to be blunt, but she is rather the submissive one and I could imagine that this additional power imbalance plays into that.
2. On the other hand this person is a completely new kind of person to her. It's her first job and before that we've both been going to university with rather "tame" individuals as friends and now, this "badass" coworker comes into her life and shows her something new and interesting.

We already talked a lot and would talk about everything some more before we would be able to get back together, of course. Strangely, communication never was a problem up until this happened.

I'm in the good position, that I moved in with her, so I am packing my bags and leaving for now. So no. I do not have to pay the bills on my own, but she said it is her fault and she will do that. We are still friendly when we talked, we hugged our goodbyes and everthing, you can tell that there still is a lot of feelings and love. Although she met someone, love does not disappear overnight, as you said.

Of course, this is an online forum and it's hard to jugde 4 years of relationship in a short text, but I think sometimes it might help to get an unbiased opinion on these things. Friends do not want to hurt your feelings too much or are sometimes too involved with their own feelings towards this whole thing.

But thanks a lot for your reply, I really appreciate it that you took the time to answer! And of course I am sorry that it happened to you before, too, but it sounds like you're over it, so congrats on that!  :)

 

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