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Author Topic: Dumped after 5 years, still struggling 1 year later

August 30, 2019, 02:21:20 PM
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sarah14


I've been trying so hard to feel okay. Every day since that day has been a tremendous struggle for me. I really thought that I was meant to be with him, and we'd been talking about getting married and moving in together. I was so excited. Then he left me for someone else, and to make matters worse, he was terrible to me during the breakup and tried to tell me it was all my fault. I believed it for a while. I felt like absolute garbage. But after I realized that he started dating this other woman right away after dumping me, I knew it wasn't my fault. So then my feelings turned to disbelief. I gave him my whole heart and was always open and honest with him, and he did that to me? And I never had any idea that he was unhappy with our relationship. I was led to believe that everything was perfect until the day he dumped me, so I was totally shocked, confused, and heartbroken. I just kept wishing (and I still do) that he'd have just talked to me and been honest. If he'd said "hey, I have feelings for someone else," that would have been far less hurtful than telling me that I wasn't good enough for him. And even if he did really feel that way, I wish he'd have told me sooner and explained why he felt that way so that I could have been better. I would never say that I made no mistakes; I know I've made many, and I appreciate when they are brought to my attention so that I can fix them to the best of my ability.

Friends and family told me to move on and date someone new to feel better. Looking back, the was probably the worst advice I've ever been given. Someone new won't fix the wounds caused by an old relationship. As a matter of fact, I felt much worse when I started dating again for two reasons: one because I thought of my ex on every date and got upset. And also because when I found a new guy who was really nice to me, I felt like I should be really happy about it, and I felt even more sad because I couldn't just be happy.

Well, I've been dating one of these guys for 3 months now. It happened so naturally. I really enjoyed our first date, I forgot about everything else, and I couldn't wait for the next one. He's honestly the most perfect person I could imagine for myself. It's clear that he really cares about me, and we have so much in common. We go hiking and biking a few times a week. I didn't tell him what I'd been through with my last relationship right away because I didn't want him to feel bad at all. Eventually I told him everything, and like any other time we'd had deep conversations, he knew exactly what to say: that what happened wasn't my fault and that we'd get through it together.

The problem is this: why can't I stop thinking about my ex? Yes, we had years of good experiences together, but in the end he treated me poorly, and I know that I deserve better and that I deserve to be happy. What's the most upsetting to me is when I have dreams about him like nothing ever happened. Why can't I have dreams about my new boyfriend and wake up in a good mood? And why do I still find myself wondering what my ex is doing now? He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me and probably hasn't thought about me since the day he dumped me. I've done everything I know to do to make moving on easier. I go to therapy, I try new things, I talk to a lot of people. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to stop thinking about him. Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation with a relationship that lasted that long?


August 31, 2019, 02:38:07 AM
Reply #1
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miap123


Hi there, I feel your pain. (Dumped as well, but without the a new GF in sight - well who knows to be honest).

So I think what you are going through is really normal. You didn't really take the time to get over your ex (one year may not be enough). Sadness and anger are really powerful emotions, maybe more powerful than love (otherwise this world would be a better place) and overcoming them takes time.
My best advice would have been to be alone and enjoy your own company and find out for yourself what you enjoy doing rather than move to a new partner.

Anyway, since you are enjoying your new partner, try and realise that it's ok to feel angry and heartbroken about your ex. Those feelings at some point will turn into indifference, but it may take much longer, and that's OK!
There's no rush to get over him. He hurt you deeply. There are no quick fixes and that's the sad truth.

August 31, 2019, 09:42:21 AM
Reply #2
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confusedindenver


HI Sarah, first of all congratulations on finding someone who makes you happy.

The advice to 'find someone else' or sleep with new people to move on is generally crappy advice from people who have forgotten what it feels like to have loved and lost. It is usually just a knee-jerk 'stitch in time saves nine' reaction to a friend's pain, Not saying people aren't trying to help but, as you realize/know, people are not replaceable and dating someone new has really very little to do with reconciling your feelings or loss. Sometimes you can bury them in attention or sex but they haven't gone anywhere have they? They often just delay dealing with the loss.

I personally think you should stop wondering or fighting against the feelings that are being brought up about your ex and allow yourself to both enjoy your new (good) relationship and process the old. They are two entirely different things and not competitive or irreconcilable ones.

Often (I find) if you can't let go of a relationship it is one of two things; you felt a certain way or connected to a certain part of YOURSELF or there is some 'vision' of your future you lost. I don't mean 'marriage' I just mean often there are subconcious associations about your future; a certain lifestyle, a picture or your future.

So while allowing yourself to deal with your memories (part of mourning) maybe try to see if there is some 'you' or some future that that relationship is speaking to you about. You might have lost the relationship, you didn't lose the part of what you see for or in yourself so try to get in touch with that and the rest will take care of itself.

September 03, 2019, 09:07:03 AM
Reply #3
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chrishen


Sounds like your ex was a narcissist and gas lighted you after the relationship and has left you with a mixture of unresolved trauma bonding and new beliefs systems that you've adopted in your subconscious as a result of the breakup. You're right, the dating other people advice is bad advice and doesn't solve that trauma that you're feeling a full 1 year later. Only exploring that pain body and releasing it will make it go away and set you up for moving forward.

September 03, 2019, 11:40:09 AM
Reply #4
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alejo0848


Hi forum friends, I haven't been in the forum for a long time and read the latest articles and posts; the only reason I'm posting today is because I just wanted to share with you something that I found on the net and that has helped me a lot. I wanted to share it with you because after all we are all struggling in the same thing, I advise you to take a look. I really bought it that worked for me.
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September 06, 2019, 12:28:48 PM
Reply #5
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Ellie


I'm sorry for what happened to you, it must really hurt, to be honest with you, your ex sounds like a complete utter asshole ( excuse my language), to say that you are not good enough?! I'll be honest, I have never ever heard anyone saying such thing as an excuse. Please remember it's really not about you, but him and only him, do not look for a reason to blame yourself or try to find a reason to understand his point of view, because that will only cause you unnecessary pain you don't need right now. Try and distract yourself and please love yourself, as there is nothing more attractive than confidence ;)

 

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