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Author Topic: Different futures, do we need to break up?

May 31, 2019, 08:34:52 PM
Read 1231 times


to understand my problem, I have to explain my situation. I'm Polish, but during my highschool, I spent a year abroad in France and started dating a French boy. Even though I came back to finish my HS, we stayed together (LDR) and last year I went back to France to study at university so I could see him more. He passed all the exams to become a gendarme (similar to a policeman but in rural areas) and he will enroll at the school in August. He will then spend one year at the school and then he will start working. The problem is that he can't know where in France they will send him. Also as I said, it is always in rural areas and I'm studying Law, History and Political Sciences which is something that offers jobs only in big cities, which means that I would have to choose a career that I don't really want or consider not working at all (which is apparently what many wives of gendarmes do, because they "have to" care about the household, the children and the tired husband who is almost never home). Or I could find a job in a neighbouring big city and travel to work every day, but then again a new problem resurfaces. Gendarmes must move to another town every five years of their career.
It is almost impossible to imagine a future where we would stay together and I would have a somewhat decent career. I'm 22 and I'm just really not sure if I should make all these sacrifices for a relationship.
I also miss Poland and my family and friends and my brother (who came to France with me) is going back when we finish the Bachelor Degree. This makes the potential future with my boyfriend even more difficult, because he would be the only person I would know and I would be totally dependent (gendarmes have to live in the barracks, so I would have to too).
As you probably noticed, his future as gendarme is really difficult for me to accept as mine, so I was thinking about breaking up, but it is so difficult too.
First, should I really break up with him even though it's working out fine now if I know that it won't work out for me in the future? Also, when to break up? I'm going back to Poland for the summer and we both have different programmes so we probably won't see each other except for the third week in July when he goes with me and my family to Slovakia. After summer he enrolls in his gendarme school and I go to my Erasmus abroad to Spain so we won't see each other for another 5 months.
I could either wait all this out and see how it happens after my Erasmus and his school, but that would mean that I would have to choose my Master's Degree in France which I don't want to do if we're not together as he is the only thing keeping me in France. Or I could break up with him now, but there's the problem of the vacation in Slovakia. I don't know if he would cancel it or still come, as a friend? Or after Slovakia, but he will be staying in Warsaw at my place, so I can't really break up  with him whenever, because it would be too awkward. So maybe on the airport before he leaves? But that's weird too, it would be obvious I was waiting for the last moment to tell him.
I'm sorry, this is way too long, noone probably even read  it all. It's just so difficult and I'm really a mess. If I didn't explain something clearly or if you have any questions or (please) advice, don't hesitate!
Thank you very much, it feels good to get this out of my chest, even just on an online forum
« Last Edit: May 31, 2019, 09:24:48 PM by RaimyM »

May 31, 2019, 09:06:10 PM
Reply #1


I'm sorry you are going through this. Relationships definitely mean compromise. What are some things that he is willing to sacrifice for you?

May 31, 2019, 09:16:36 PM
Reply #2


Thanks for responding,
I know that relationships are all about compromise, but I don't see where we could compromise. Being gendarme is his dream and its a job that doesn't compromise, when he's gonna become a gendarme, he won't have much choice but to do as they say. So it's me who has to do all the compromises and it's what makes it so hard.

May 31, 2019, 11:58:58 PM
Reply #3


You are only 22, what do YOU want out of life? I know you mentioned a few, let me say this; I am 45 years old, gave up my career choice for my then husband so that he could travel with the FBI and Although I didn’t move away from family and friends, I sacrificed everything and then started a family. We were married for 13 years and 6 years ago he decided he wanted a divorce.

As I said I am 45 years old, I have two beautiful children, but I was left in a mess, both financially and emotionally. I am so so thankful for my children but starting over wasn’t easy. It was the toughest thing that I had to ever do. I am so mad at myself for not pursuing a career, so mad for ( other than the children) for essentially giving up my goals. You are young, please think about what you will be giving up. I know that you are in school and going to graduate, but do you really want to give up all the other things? Is it worth it to you?
Fast forward now, 6 years later

June 01, 2019, 07:04:24 AM
Reply #4


Thank you very much for your reaction. This is actually exactly what I was fearing and I don't think I should or want to throw away my dreams to pursue his. Do you think I should break up with him now?

June 22, 2019, 10:31:26 AM
Reply #5


I think the sooner you break up, the better off you will be.  You should do what is best for your future.  It just doesn't seem to be a good fit with him.  Sometimes we have to give up on the present (no matter how hard that is) so we can have the future we desire.


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