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Author Topic: Can I get her back when neither of us was the direct cause of the break up?

December 26, 2018, 08:52:12 PM
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KevinM


Hello everyone,

My name is Kevin and I am new to this forum. And I am really thankful that I found it. I've recently experienced a breakup with a woman who I absolutely love and adore. We were together just 3 months but it was 3 of the greatest months of my life. She is 45 and I am 51 years young. But our situation is unique. We didn't break up because of something bad that either of us did to each other, but mostly because her ex-husband (of 18 years)  went crazy over us being together and because her kids (11 yr old daughter & 16 yr old son) expressed to her that they weren’t ready for their mom to date (partially influenced by their father). She had been divorced for 6 months when we started dating but her ex-husband did not move out of the home until the same month we met. I didn't know this immediately but fell head over heels for her and did not want to stop seeing her.

She broke up with me on December 12, 2018, last saw each other yesterday (Christmas Day and we had kissed), and we last spoke today (which is when she said it just needs to be over now). She says she feels pressured and says she can no longer give me what I need and at the same time, give her kids what they're asking of her. She says we moved too quickly and realizes now that she probably wasn't truly ready to be in a relationship when we met because of her kids and recent divorce. She says its affecting her kids, her work and herself. She is the most caring woman I've ever met and is one to do everything to please everyone except herself. She told me that she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the happiness of her kids and I sincerely believe that's what she is doing. She has been everything to them their entire lives and their father wasn't.  I told her that I would patiently wait for her to sort things out in her life but she just won't allow it, saying that she can't take on anymore guilt of making me hurt. She wants me to move on with my life now and feels that contact of any kind will prevent either of us from accomplishing this. She asked me to please respect her decision.

What makes this so hard to accept is that we were always deeply passionate and caring towards each other and never had bitter words to say except about how her ex was treating us, (which did get ugly a few times and we had to sneak around a lot to be together). On December 11, 2018 we spent the night together and were passionate and loving towards each other as always, and the very next day, because of a trigger in her mind, just like that it was over and nothing was ever the same between us. If only I could have that day back!

I'm very much in love with this woman and have been feeling deeply distraught and depressed since our breakup. I've never met anyone who I've felt so connected with in every way. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to lose her nor push her further away. With all being said, do I respect her wishes and not contact her? Is there any chance she will ever come to realize how perfect we were for each other and give us another chance at a slower pace? Or is all lost because of the circumstances we were confronted with? I look forward to all your replies and will be happy to provide additional details if requested. I just want her back...Thank you all so much!
Falling in love is easy...falling out of love when you don't want to is near impossible!

December 28, 2018, 12:22:35 AM
Reply #1
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melissajay


The best solution for you right now is to be patient in my opinion. Still try to contact her once in awhile and check on her to show that you care. If you really love this woman, I'm sure you would not give her up easily. So if that's the case, keep your distance but somehow still make a move to prove that you really love her and that she is a right woman for you. Hope this help!:))

January 03, 2019, 03:38:51 AM
Reply #2
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winstonjack


This is a tough one. I can't help to feel there is more to why she broke it off than she is telling. I'm sure what she said is true but something is missing.

 If I was divorced with kids and met someone whom I loved I would find a way to work it out. I would express my fears but I would want to let them know that with time and patience we can find a path to the future. I think this is especially true at your ages. If she was younger she may think that she can find someone like you again. But at her age, walking away is less of an option unless there is a good reason to walk away that she is not telling you about.

What i just said above comes from the gut. I may be completely off.

 I wish you the best and hope you can sit down with her and tell her "look I'm not giving up - I don' care how long it takes I'll wait - I understand what you are going through and I  want to let you know I'm here for you if need to talk or a shoulder to lean on" Then back away with a smile. If you back away, leave her alone, if her feelings are true, she'll soon be coming for you.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2019, 04:02:26 AM by winstonjack »

January 08, 2019, 05:49:48 PM
Reply #3
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Staff

Forum Staff
Hello everyone,

My name is Kevin and I am new to this forum. And I am really thankful that I found it. I've recently experienced a breakup with a woman who I absolutely love and adore. We were together just 3 months but it was 3 of the greatest months of my life. She is 45 and I am 51 years young. But our situation is unique. We didn't break up because of something bad that either of us did to each other, but mostly because her ex-husband (of 18 years)  went crazy over us being together and because her kids (11 yr old daughter & 16 yr old son) expressed to her that they weren’t ready for their mom to date (partially influenced by their father). She had been divorced for 6 months when we started dating but her ex-husband did not move out of the home until the same month we met. I didn't know this immediately but fell head over heels for her and did not want to stop seeing her.

She broke up with me on December 12, 2018, last saw each other yesterday (Christmas Day and we had kissed), and we last spoke today (which is when she said it just needs to be over now). She says she feels pressured and says she can no longer give me what I need and at the same time, give her kids what they're asking of her. She says we moved too quickly and realizes now that she probably wasn't truly ready to be in a relationship when we met because of her kids and recent divorce. She says its affecting her kids, her work and herself. She is the most caring woman I've ever met and is one to do everything to please everyone except herself. She told me that she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the happiness of her kids and I sincerely believe that's what she is doing. She has been everything to them their entire lives and their father wasn't.  I told her that I would patiently wait for her to sort things out in her life but she just won't allow it, saying that she can't take on anymore guilt of making me hurt. She wants me to move on with my life now and feels that contact of any kind will prevent either of us from accomplishing this. She asked me to please respect her decision.

What makes this so hard to accept is that we were always deeply passionate and caring towards each other and never had bitter words to say except about how her ex was treating us, (which did get ugly a few times and we had to sneak around a lot to be together). On December 11, 2018 we spent the night together and were passionate and loving towards each other as always, and the very next day, because of a trigger in her mind, just like that it was over and nothing was ever the same between us. If only I could have that day back!

I'm very much in love with this woman and have been feeling deeply distraught and depressed since our breakup. I've never met anyone who I've felt so connected with in every way. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to lose her nor push her further away. With all being said, do I respect her wishes and not contact her? Is there any chance she will ever come to realize how perfect we were for each other and give us another chance at a slower pace? Or is all lost because of the circumstances we were confronted with? I look forward to all your replies and will be happy to provide additional details if requested. I just want her back...Thank you all so much!

Interesting story, I hope we can help, there have been some good comments so far.

Do you have an update on the situtation @winstonjack ?
Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

 

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