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Author Topic: Broke my friends heart and wish I could make him feel better about it

November 05, 2019, 12:59:50 AM
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Murough


I have been in a very committed relationship for 4 years. I love my boyfriend very much. He is like a husband and he chooses the title stepdad to my kids. Getting together was a big struggle though. We were just friends for years then I left a marriage to be with him. The stress took its toll and he relapsed after years of sobriety. It was a real struggle and during that time I was working with a guy that I developed a pretty close bond to. People would use the term “work husband “ we were a very good team and worked a stressful job leading our store as comanagers. We even got robbed at gun point once. I had the chance to head out a side door but I choose to help him instead. He was calling for the safe key and I was afraid he would get shot if I didn’t help. He was important to me. With the stress of my boyfriend falling apart on me and worrying my relationship might not survive. A place in my heart formed for this other man and now it seems he could tell. I never wanted to leave my boyfriend. I was just really afraid for him and had this fear of a potential breakup. I found myself distracted wondering if this other man would be a good match if I found myself heartbroken. I never admitted it to him but I think there was a sense of heightened sexual tension. Eventually he started having random mood swings on me and I started to worry we shouldn’t keep working together. I didn’t know if he had feelings for me or I’d done something wrong but I knew I was feeling a little too close myself and didn’t like our friendship going south. Someone in our store started stealing and I demanded a transfer because upper management wasn’t doing anything about it. A lot of it had to do with not being in his space though. I agreed to come rescue the store when I could though. He would call me pretty routinely asking for help. I told him I couldn’t a couple times in a row. I think because I had promised my boyfriend I would be free. After that it became really rare he’d call me. After my transfer I started to admit to him I was having issues with my boyfriend. I figured if we weren’t spending so much time together it would be safe to be open about my home troubles. I really needed someone to talk to and we didn’t see eachother very often anymore. His friendship has always been more important to me then the feeling of attraction so I just set it aside. We were always excited when we saw eachother and he always insisted we should go for drinks some time. Finally a month ago he decided to get ahold of me to hang out. We went for pool. It’s the only time we’d ever done anything outside of work. It had been a while since we’d even seen eachother. I’d quit 6 months ago and I think 8 months ago for him. I was really excited to see him. I missed him pretty bad but it was probably bad timing. I haven’t been in a good place with my boyfriend. He is sober now but the relapse and battle to sober back up left him with no libido and put a lot of distance between us. I had a really good time with this old friend but I also drank way more then normal since he offered me a sober ride and I think booze and me feeling so sexually/intimately deprived. I think the sexual tension was pretty high. He was also dressed way too nice for the occasion and I found myself checking him out. Really weird for me. I don’t eye up other men. During the night I told him after quitting our hell job I’d gained 17lbs. I was rail thin when we’d worked together and I joked with him how that place was impossible to keep any weight on at. The next day I was trying on pants and couldn’t find anything that fit right. I tried on a mountain of slacks and only found 3 passable pairs. I sent him a text joking that I needed to get my fat ass back to our old job so I’d lose the weight and not have to shop for clothes. He got really defensive about my body and started ranting on about how attractive I am. The texts got really strange and the next day he was still sending me odd texts telling me I’m so smart and beautiful. He told me his filter was gone because he had been drinking and at this point it was only 2pm. Finally I decided maybe I should just come clean about my feelings and clarify I’m not trying to make anything happen. I sent him a very long text telling him I’ve always found him attractive and felt a affection for him but I’m committed to my relationship so I always set those feelings aside. I apologized if he had ever felt confused by my intentions and that I wanted to make sure he felt validated if he ever felt like something was there. I wanted to assure him he wasn’t crazy but clarify I was not aiming for more then friendship. He did not respond. Then a few days ago I suddenly started receiving texts from him. He admitted he had always wanted me. He was sorry he had avoided it for so long. There was nobody like me. I was the most special beautiful woman he’d ever known and I couldn’t ever understand how much I’d ment to him. That he wanted his chance that he never got. I tried to reassure him he couldn’t be in love with me. That he’d always kept me at too much of a distance for it to be that. That we were dealing with attraction, affection and compatibility but we really don’t know as much as we would need to for it to be in love. We didn’t have a relationship outside of work. He didn’t know anything about my kids. We’d barely been in contact. I told him I love my boyfriend. My boyfriend has a lot of problems. He is a very difficult person to love but I do love him. My kids love him and he treats them as his own. They don’t even know about the drinking problem. He was able to keep it away from them and he is their favorite person. He was really hurt by it all. He couldn’t except that he was asking me to give up a man I love and turn 4 lives upside down to explore a relationship with a man I don’t know enough about and have barely had contact with in the past year. I told him I can have a friendship with him despite the attraction but he needs to be in a same place. He cannot have to goal of us being together. He then agreed and started trying to ask me random fun facts about myself and I stressed to him if he wants to get to know me better I’m fine with that but he is not going to win me by putting the work in now. I told him he’d need to wait until he is in place he misses me but doesn’t need me to be his. Now I find myself wondering how I handle it if I do hear for him again. I keep resisting texting him to apologize or check on him. Clearly I cannot talk to my boyfriend about the situation. He wouldn’t be mad but it would stress him out and I’m sure he’d always worry I would change my mind. More then anything I’m just really depressed. I’ve had so much stress with my boyfriend and having this friend I care about confess his feelings and try to get me to leave him only stresses me out more. I’d hoped he was just cranky because he thought I’d been trying to keep him on my back burner. I wanted friendship to be his goal. I didn’t want him to feel like he needed me to be his. I want my friend to stay my friend and I want my boyfriend to pull himself back together and prove to me that he wants me that bad. I was already low and now I’m even lower.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 10:59:41 PM by Murough »

November 24, 2019, 09:27:04 AM
Reply #1
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Murough


Still no more word from my friend. I’m so tempted to contact him but I can’t imagine how I would make him feel better...

 

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