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Author Topic: Boyfriend announced wanting to take a break over text, spontaneously

November 26, 2019, 05:08:43 AM
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My boyfriend of 1.5 years (34) and I (36f) had been having a lull in our relationship and haven't been having much sex for a while. I've tried to schedule things, etc, but he wasn't that interested so it was down to about once per month at this point. When we first started dating it was a bit more, but he's never had a super high sex drive and it's been a consistent issue over the course of our relationship. He has always been ambivalent about sex and thinks he may be graysexual/low sex drive. I think he may also suffer from undiagnosed depression (he describes feeling “blah” a lot).

So a while ago, his brother in law said some creepy stuff (not hitting on me, just telling me stuff about his sex life with my bf’s sister, unsolicited, and trying to egg me on to have sex with my bf in one room of the house where we all were on family vacation). This happened when he was drunk and we were alone and I just kind of walked out, shocked, and told my bf later that night.

I have been uncomfortable about the prospect of seeing BIL again over the holidays. I’ve asked my boyfriend how we should address this, and he has been saying he’d talk to his parents for months now, but always has an excuse why he hasn’t.

The other day, it was time to visit the sister and BIL's house; we hadn't seen them since summer (when the creepy incident happened). I was texting with my BF, figuring out what time to go over there, and asking if he could talk to the parents about it, esp if there would be alcohol. We also had a date planned for that night, first one in a while, hopefully a way to rekindle the romance.

Suddenly, BF texted he wanted to take a break because he felt like our relationship had turned into a friendship.

I asked if he had planned it and he said that no, it's spontaneous, he's just not feeling the passion and feels like we are just friends. But that he's confused because he still thinks I'm physically attractive, he's just not feeling passion. But that he is also confused because he doesn't have any sexual feelings for anyone, or even for stimuli like porn. He just wants to think about his feelings for a while, but that he still loves me more than anyone else, etc. He called it "taking a break".

So my take is these feelings have been there for a while and this thing of having to bring up the creepy BIL behaviour is a bit the straw that broke the camel's back, but it took me so by surprise! I mean we had a date that night and he did this over text. It seems like if you cared about someone and felt your relationship was a friendship, you'd give them the decency of an in-person talk, and you'd at least think about it first. And the timing was obviously related to the BIL issue.

Also, this is only his second LTR. His first was in his 20s, and they hardly had sex, though they lived together, and she cheated on him regularly and ultimately left him for someone else. So he doesn't have much relationship experience and he's not the best communicator, though it's something he's trying to work on and it's something I've tried to make "safe" for him.

I'm just really just sad and confused at this point. I love him dearly but don't know if I can be with him now even if he wants to get back together after the break. The sex thing I feel we could work on, maybe, but how can I trust someone who just suddenly "takes breaks" over text. He's threatened to break up with me once during a fight and promised he'd never do anything heat of the moment like that, but now this.

I know this is just rambling, and I know it's long and verbose, but any advice or thoughts or input would be appreciated. Thank you.


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