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Author Topic: Is there any chance the relationship may work again and she comes back?

August 04, 2018, 04:53:41 PM
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richdeniro


Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink just under a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and have today deleted her as a Facebook friend. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2018, 05:18:49 PM by Brett »

August 04, 2018, 05:18:13 PM
Reply #1

Staff

Forum Staff
Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink just under a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and have today deleted her as a Facebook friend. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

Hey, first off, I am so sorry that you needed to go through that. It almost sounds like she was messing you around.

If you want my opinion, which you may need to take with a pinch of salt, but it sounds like you aren't her priority. Which isn't a good sign.

You're practically throwing yourself at her and she knows your intentions and that you like her, but she is stringing you along. She knows that you like her and that she can see you whenever she is bored, but while she is with you she's texting other guys.

Personally I wouldn't bother with her anymore and spend time focusing on other women, as life is to short to be following someone around that clearly doesn't like you back as much as you like her. If she wanted you, you would be all hers right? And she knows that, yet is still speaking to other people.
Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

August 04, 2018, 05:31:18 PM
Reply #2

richdeniro


Thank you for the reply.

I do think the final month before she ended things she did mess me around and probably saw me as a backup.

I guess it was the first 4 months that were amazing, I have never been showered with that much love, attention and affection before. I honest thought she truly loved me.

Even the final month when she was texting other guys she said she had never met anyone who cared for her as much as I did and she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend. I guess those could all just be words though.

I am now wondering if I was a rebound/fling of sorts from her marriage?

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me.

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete racist with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

August 04, 2018, 06:24:29 PM
Reply #3

powpow13


Hi Rich

I've just read your post and wanted to let you know my thoughts, and basically, I have two theories.

The first one is that she isn't sure what she wants at the moment and she is keeping her options open. The secretive messages are not a good sign and I would agree that she has been messing you around. It's also not a good sign that this is happening 6 months in, I think at this point you should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase if you truly like someone. Having said that I think she's keeping her options open, it also sounds like whilst doing this, she is waiting for the right person to come along. Please don't be disheartened but I think you may be one of the guys she's talking to and occasionally seeing who she knows isn't the right guy for her long term. It also sounds like she likes and respects you a lot as a person, hence why she doesn't want to straight up break up and not be friends. As you mention in your post, I do think she thinks of you as a good friend and doesn't want to lose that, but thinks that if she puts an end to the romantic relationship, she will lose you completely, which by the sounds of things has happened because you have deleted her on Facebook etc.
Having said this, if you do not feel you can ever just be friends with her, do not continue any kind of relationship with her unless you are truly ready to just be friends. You need to be selfish and think about yourself, focus on your needs and finding someone else who will be better suited and will give you their all.

My other theory is that she actually does like you, but is scared as maybe you aren't someone she would usually go for and is scared that things won't work out long term so doesn't want to take the risk. The reason I think this is because she does try to stay in touch with you. The fact that she said you should find someone your own age prompts me to think that she has some insecurities about herself and maybe is even concerned that she isn't good enough for you, but not wanting to put herself in a vulnerable position, she says that what you do is 'not enough'. If this is the case, I would still suggest that things should come to an end becuase you may end up never being in a stable relationship with her.

Sorry, I know the two theories are almost opposite, but maybe if you think about each one you may be able to work out which one is more true, and will help you figure out what you should do next.

August 04, 2018, 06:43:52 PM
Reply #4

Staff

Forum Staff
Hi Rich

I've just read your post and wanted to let you know my thoughts, and basically, I have two theories.

The first one is that she isn't sure what she wants at the moment and she is keeping her options open. The secretive messages are not a good sign and I would agree that she has been messing you around. It's also not a good sign that this is happening 6 months in, I think at this point you should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase if you truly like someone. Having said that I think she's keeping her options open, it also sounds like whilst doing this, she is waiting for the right person to come along. Please don't be disheartened but I think you may be one of the guys she's talking to and occasionally seeing who she knows isn't the right guy for her long term. It also sounds like she likes and respects you a lot as a person, hence why she doesn't want to straight up break up and not be friends. As you mention in your post, I do think she thinks of you as a good friend and doesn't want to lose that, but thinks that if she puts an end to the romantic relationship, she will lose you completely, which by the sounds of things has happened because you have deleted her on Facebook etc.
Having said this, if you do not feel you can ever just be friends with her, do not continue any kind of relationship with her unless you are truly ready to just be friends. You need to be selfish and think about yourself, focus on your needs and finding someone else who will be better suited and will give you their all.

My other theory is that she actually does like you, but is scared as maybe you aren't someone she would usually go for and is scared that things won't work out long term so doesn't want to take the risk. The reason I think this is because she does try to stay in touch with you. The fact that she said you should find someone your own age prompts me to think that she has some insecurities about herself and maybe is even concerned that she isn't good enough for you, but not wanting to put herself in a vulnerable position, she says that what you do is 'not enough'. If this is the case, I would still suggest that things should come to an end becuase you may end up never being in a stable relationship with her.

Sorry, I know the two theories are almost opposite, but maybe if you think about each one you may be able to work out which one is more true, and will help you figure out what you should do next.

Good response @powpow13  :)
Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

August 04, 2018, 06:58:20 PM
Reply #5

richdeniro


Quote
Hi Rich

I've just read your post and wanted to let you know my thoughts, and basically, I have two theories.

The first one is that she isn't sure what she wants at the moment and she is keeping her options open. The secretive messages are not a good sign and I would agree that she has been messing you around. It's also not a good sign that this is happening 6 months in, I think at this point you should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase if you truly like someone. Having said that I think she's keeping her options open, it also sounds like whilst doing this, she is waiting for the right person to come along. Please don't be disheartened but I think you may be one of the guys she's talking to and occasionally seeing who she knows isn't the right guy for her long term. It also sounds like she likes and respects you a lot as a person, hence why she doesn't want to straight up break up and not be friends. As you mention in your post, I do think she thinks of you as a good friend and doesn't want to lose that, but thinks that if she puts an end to the romantic relationship, she will lose you completely, which by the sounds of things has happened because you have deleted her on Facebook etc.
Having said this, if you do not feel you can ever just be friends with her, do not continue any kind of relationship with her unless you are truly ready to just be friends. You need to be selfish and think about yourself, focus on your needs and finding someone else who will be better suited and will give you their all.

My other theory is that she actually does like you, but is scared as maybe you aren't someone she would usually go for and is scared that things won't work out long term so doesn't want to take the risk. The reason I think this is because she does try to stay in touch with you. The fact that she said you should find someone your own age prompts me to think that she has some insecurities about herself and maybe is even concerned that she isn't good enough for you, but not wanting to put herself in a vulnerable position, she says that what you do is 'not enough'. If this is the case, I would still suggest that things should come to an end becuase you may end up never being in a stable relationship with her.

Sorry, I know the two theories are almost opposite, but maybe if you think about each one you may be able to work out which one is more true, and will help you figure out what you should do next.

It's so confusing because both your theories could be correct.

In the early days she said things like she was gutted that a guy like me could never fall for her because of what she has to offer (by that I mean her age and baggage) and even in the final few weeks before she ended it she told me things like she'd never felt cared for in the way that I did and how she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend - she said she had never got on and laughed with someone as well as she did with me also. She could never get past the fact that we weren't of a similar age and that I wouldn't be able to have children if we were together (I did reassure her many times that I didn't mind all that as all I ever wanted to find someone I could love).

But then the final month she was also very distracted and obviously talking to and meeting other guys. When I found out I could tell she was hurt because she'd known she had hurt me and in a way I wonder if that's what led to her breaking up with me.... because she couldn't hurt me any longer.  But now I also think how could she have any regard for your feelings or dignity if she could do that in the first place, especially doing it in my presence and trying to hide it. Also the wording when she ended it, that she 'needs to fancy someone more', I keep going over it in my head, did she just lose the attraction for me overnight?

I just wonder if she is on a huge rebound from her divorce and doesn't know what she wants.  Is trying to play the field, try out different guys and that type of thing?

August 04, 2018, 08:24:54 PM
Reply #6

powpow13


Hi Rich

From the way you describe things, I would be leaning more towards my second theory; that she does actually like you but is scared of what that means and that it's risky.
Maybe she was overwhelmed by the way she was treated - maybe because her marriage broke up, she's scared of getting into a relationship where she'd be hurt again. Of course, I don't know what led to her marriage break up, but I think it's never an easy ride and can give people a lot to worry about in future relationships.

It sounds like you treated her really well, and I think you're a good person for trying to make it work.

I agree with the fact that sometimes we do lose the initial attraction to someone and that's such a big part of any relationship - it needs to be there. Sometimes we learn to love people for other things as well as that though, which makes me think that maybe she needs more time to spend with you, get to know you on an even deeper level.

I would suggest that if she ever tries to talk to you again, whether that's a WhatsApp message or a game on Facebook, you respond. But in such a way that makes her feel in control. I'm not saying she should need to chase you, but sometimes we realise what we had or what we like when it's not there anymore when its a bit more of a challenge. I guess this does depend on your age also, I am 22 so maybe my perspectives at the moment are different to those that I will have in the future and in future relationships. I just think if you don't give it another try, you might regret it.

Talk to her if she tries to engage in a conversation with you but don't ask to meet her or anything like that, wait to see if she decides to initiate anything again.

I wouldn't worry too much about the 'I need to fancy someone more' thing. Its nothing to do with your personally I doubt, we all have different tastes and that's not to say that you won't be the perfect guy for someone else.

And yes, she may be trying different things for now, but I do believe that if something is meant to be, it will be and you're the guy for her, things will work out in the end. 

August 06, 2018, 04:22:52 PM
Reply #7

jaymish


Life can be hard, especially in terms of relationships. I like what you have done. Basically she has friend zoned you. For whatever reason she does not want a relationship with you. Its not fair to keep your life on hold for her. She should also just live you alone. If she really cared she would explain why she broke it of or just wants to be friends. Has she found someone else? I'm sure that the reason is giving you sleepless night. I know its hard, I have been in your position the best thing for you to do is to get on with life and forget about her. You will find a better person. You deserve so much better. Go out again, try online dating, enjoy your life again. It may seem hard but you can do it. Good luck.

August 11, 2018, 12:21:46 AM
Reply #8

richdeniro


34 days no contact now.

I'm guessing she's not coming back and has most likely met someone else.

August 11, 2018, 02:02:14 AM
Reply #9

Noahhh


Give her more time as she may have other valid reason. For example maybe her relative got hospital and requires medical attention. You can't actually tell what happened. But if she did not still contacted you for another length of time that you already had given. I am sure you can find any other else that is worth for you than her. Life is actually long, I know you can meet other.

August 11, 2018, 12:47:05 PM
Reply #10

richdeniro


I guess it is the summer/school holidays so she is likely busy with her kids.

August 12, 2018, 05:24:25 PM
Reply #11

goodevening


34 days no contact now.

I'm guessing she's not coming back and has most likely met someone else.

I am so sorry to hear that dude, but you're probably better off without her.

If she does come running back, I would recommend to run the other direction!

August 13, 2018, 12:01:53 PM
Reply #12

Noahhh


I guess it is the summer/school holidays so she is likely busy with her kids.

I think that time, summer/school holidays. She have more time, if she really want to comeback then she will find time no matter what. But she have a hobby? or is she's busy on something aside on his kids?

August 13, 2018, 03:08:29 PM
Reply #13

richdeniro


Quote
I think that time, summer/school holidays. She have more time, if she really want to comeback then she will find time no matter what. But she have a hobby? or is she's busy on something aside on his kids?

I agree, she's made no attempt to get in contact for well over a month now and I suspect she has met someone else considering she was whatsapping other guys before ending it with me.

I know her ex husband was away with their kids for the first couple of weeks of the school holidays which is where I suspect the new relationship likely took off as she would have been dating and spending time with one or more of these guys in that period.

I know she has gone away with the kids for the second two weeks of the holidays and is away with them now but she'd at least find time to send me a text or something during that period if she really cared.

Time to move I think  :(

August 13, 2018, 04:33:48 PM
Reply #14

Staff

Forum Staff
Quote
I think that time, summer/school holidays. She have more time, if she really want to comeback then she will find time no matter what. But she have a hobby? or is she's busy on something aside on his kids?

I agree, she's made no attempt to get in contact for well over a month now and I suspect she has met someone else considering she was whatsapping other guys before ending it with me.

I know her ex husband was away with their kids for the first couple of weeks of the school holidays which is where I suspect the new relationship likely took off as she would have been dating and spending time with one or more of these guys in that period.

I know she has gone away with the kids for the second two weeks of the holidays and is away with them now but she'd at least find time to send me a text or something during that period if she really cared.

Time to move I think  :(

Shame, I am very sorry, but I do feel as if it's for the best.

I would recommend not getting back to her if she does try and get in contact, it's not worth it, she's clearly messing you around and isn't 100% on what she wants. You deserve better.
Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

August 25, 2018, 06:12:01 PM
Reply #15

richdeniro


Ugh I made the mistake of adding her number back into my phone last night. I know I shouldn't have but I'd had a few drinks after work.

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new. I did think she was as her ex husband and kids were away for two weeks earlier this month so I assume she used the freedom and time to get into something new. Plus obviously she hasn't reached out in the time since saying she wanted to take a break.

Has made me feel awful today. I won't be doing that again.

Feels like I'm back to square one again six weeks after she ended it with me.

 

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