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Author Topic: Am I being a shallow jerk or not?

June 21, 2019, 03:25:34 PM
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This is my first time writing for advice but this is a tough one for me.  So, background... I am 45 and my boyfriend of 4 years is in his early to mid 50's.  We have lived together the majority of the 4 years we've been together.

I am having some second thoughts about the relationship.  First I will say he is very gentlemanly, sweet, and thoughtful towards me.  Always has been, which are big reasons why I love him.  Yes, I love him!  I am very good to him also.   But there are a couple of problems that are hard to just overlook. 

As for day to day, things are just fine.  But it's the big picture that I'm uneasy about.  It has become the elephant in the room for me.  I have hopes & plans to have a nice small-ish home with all the amenities I want.  Yes he would benefit from them of course and he would enjoy them (a pool for example) just as much as myself.  I want to have enough financial freedom to travel and see parts of the world that interest us, take our kids on trips, be able to help our kids with whatever they need, etc.  My kids and his are pretty much adults, by the way.

The problem is that while I am planning for this future, setting myself up to make as much money as I can, he won't do anything to increase his meager income.  He has opportunities, even within the same company he works for, but he is so comfortable right where he is.  He chooses to stay stuck there even though he expresses a lot of aggravation with the company and its policies. 

I have prompted, suggested, and begged him to transfer (the other location would be the same distance from our home).  Other coworkers have prompted him as well. He could add at least $10k a year to his salary just by changing locations.  I bought him learning materials to be licensed and in business for himself (that he wanted at the time).  That would have given him a lot of freedom and a chance to make more (probably double) money also.  After studying for a few months on that, he has put that down and it seems he's given up on it. 

Now I'm at my wits end of trying to help him improve on his end with finances.   I pay 2x as much on bills as he does, and some are shared household..others are car, insurance, phone, etc. paid separately.

Also, his credit is shot.  Mine is excellent and I'm very conscious of money and bills.  I just think at his age he should be more responsible and want to have more in life than to be living paycheck to paycheck.  Heck, right now we can't even afford to go out on dates or have a nice birthday dinner unless I pay most of the time.  All of this has made me somewhat resentful and has me lacking respect for him.  I don't want to feel that way towards him but it's hard for me to understand his stance.  Another thing is I think this has kind of spilled over into the bedroom because we are literally like an old married couple...seriously its maybe 3x a month. But this other thing is what's really gotten to me.  The sex stuff is second.  Back to the main problem...

With his credit the way it is, and his income being on the low end, and no obvious hope for improvement on his end, I don't see us feasibly building together.  I love him and wish we could be on the same page.  Right now, if I don't make things improve financially, it absolutely won't happen.  Basically it's like the old saying...if you want something done you've got to do it yourself.  But I want a partner to share these dreams with and for us to make them happen together.  I want us both to have a more fulfilling life...because you only live once!

My question is should I stay for the oh-so-wonderful way I'm treated (it is hard to find a man with his great qualities.. loyalty, devotion, humility to name a few) or is it time to give up on us?  Is there a solution here?  Am I being shallow?

June 26, 2019, 05:45:45 AM
Reply #1


Hello Friend,

So sorry you’re having to deal with this.  You seem like a wonderful person.  I tend to be somewhat destructive with relationships but if it’s ok, I’d like to offer a controversial observation.

You already have your answer and it’s the bigger elephant in the room.

Considering his stewardship behavior coupled with his intimate behavior....... he either has someone on the side or likes having others on the side.  The other option is he’s waiting or preparing for the one he really wants.

Let’s face it.  He’s not all in.  And it’s not because he’s lazy. 

He is focused elsewhere. 

If this relationship was everything to him, then his actions would be so different.

I have no trouble looking in the mirror, i know what I’m about.  I was with a well to do business woman once for a few years and i knew she wasn’t for me but being the self absorbed jack ass i tend to be, i just rode it out till what i wanted presented itself.

Probably not what you'll want to hear and I’m sure others will tell you how to fix him....... but you will be wasting your time.



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