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Author Topic: Why has my boyfriend always been untalkative?

December 25, 2018, 08:06:05 PM
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I recently read that some men who witnessed their parents arguing a lot grow up to be men who subconsciously want to avoid any chance of that, since what they saw in their childhood was so distressing. I once asked him to describe to me an argument his parents had with each other, if any, and she said that he didn't want to talk about it, with more emotion in his voice than usual. I asked him if his parents ever wanted to get divorced, and he said in a smiling, joking manner, that his mom is too old to get a divorce.

Here's a short version, in case you can't read the longer version below:

Yes, except when I was away in a different area of my country to attend a month-long diploma course. He phoned me almost everyday then, which shocked me. He would just ask me how school was that day. But he wouldn't tell me what was going on in his life, or any interesting story he read in a newspaper, etc. When I was at the xmas party a year ago, a coworker of his approached him out of the blue and said to both of us that when he approaches my boyfriend at their workplace with a technical question, my boyfriend just gives him a "bird's eye view" answer and doesn't go into any detail answering the technical question. So, it appears that he is similarly non-long-winded with his coworkers as he is with me. I read the book "red flags: how to know when you're dating a loser" by two male psychologist PhDs and the archetype he sounds most similar to is "red flag #21: the quiet man". This chapter mentions that some quiet men have a low verbal IQ and so their brains just aren't generating things to say, but I don't think this is the case with him, because he told me that he won some award in high school for having a high all-around grade point average, and he also was one of a small # of students who won an award for highest grades in his university graduating class of computer science, such as "ecology", and another one by the name "psychology". He doesn't seem to misinterpret my questions; his answers seem to be relevant to what I ask him, so that's another reason why I don't think he has low verbal IQ. I used his username to do a search on a search engine before I started dating him, to see if I could find any previous postings of any dealbreakers or red flags, and I found that he had a blog where he'd post things, and reply to other people's blog posts, but again they are almost always only 1-3 sentences long. I did find one post that was like maybe 30 sentences long on a messageboard, which was describing his bureaucratic problems he ran into at the airport. That length of writing is the only time I've seen it. The chapter #21 also says that some men learn at an early age that the safest way to go about life is to just keep quiet, so they do. I asked him if he was abused as a child, and he said no, except for 1 or 2 slaps by his mom when he was a kid, but yes I understand that many abused children either don't remember their abuse, or are too embarrassed to talk about it. He doesn't seem to show the symptoms of abuse though: no piercings, no tattoos, he's not overweight nor anorexic, he doesn't abuse medications nor is he an alcoholic (as far as I know!), he doesn't have an unusual hairstyle, dye his hair, or wear lots of rings on his fingers. I don't think he's a psychopath because when I went digging into photos on meetup of events he's attended in the past, I didn't see any of him wearing a gold chain necklace or gold pinky ring, or tight jeans with cowboy books and a big belt buckle, or looking like a bodybuilder.

Here's the longer version:

My boyfriend of about 5 years never says anything to me beyond one sentence it seems. He doesn't have Asperger's syndrome or autism (my dad unexpectedly saw an amateur sports game he was playing at, and he said he had "good ball control", so he's not clumsy, and he has good eye contact with me, and dresses in a coordinated, normal manner. I don't think he has a low verbal IQ, because he won an academic award when he graduated from high school, and he was one amongst a small handful of students in his computer programming cohort when he graduated from his university with his Bachelor's degree in comp sci.   I read in the book Red Flags! How to Know When You're Dating a Loser by two male psychologists, that there is a type of guy they coined "The Quiet Man", who ends up frustrated whatever woman they're in a relationship with, because he just doesn't say much. One reason could be that the guy has a low verbal IQ: his brain just isn't generating things to say. But there were other reasons mentioned in that chapter: like how the man might learn at an early age that the best way to avoid any trouble is to just keep quiet. He wrote on an online personal ad that I came across before I started dating him that he is an INTJ, and I would agree; he is introverted. I'm introverted as well; an INFJ, but perhaps he is TOO introverted for me, and I should break up with him? He came over to my apartment tonight, and when I asked him why he wanted to come over on the 24th of December instead of xmas day, he said it was because he was going to take a ferry to Victoria BC Canada (on Vancouver Island) with a friend!  I said to him, "you don't have friends", and then he said, "yes, I made friends with this Indian guy on meetup" I ask him what meetup, and he said this social group on meetup. So I asked him when he made this friend, and he said 3 months ago! I asked him what he talks about with this guy, and he said "work". I asked him if he was a computer programmer too, and he said no, that he's an electrician. So I asked him why he never talks about work with me, and he said it's because I don't know anything about computers. But I told him that an electrician doesn't know about computer programming either! And I have asked him both on Dec 24th and other earlier days why he never tells me any anecdotes about his family members, or classmates from any of the schools he's attended, or neighbours, or his one ex-girlfriend (he's only 5'4: most women are unwilling to date a guy that short). He never talks about what his favorite sports star is, or about his favorite authors, or funny things he's seen, etc. I've often joked to myself that we'd probably fail the marriage interview with U.S. immigration officials, because I wouldn't be able to answer many questions about him, even though we've seen each other hundreds of times! He only sees me about once a week or less. He never likes to see me for both Saturday and Sunday. He is on levothryoxine for hypothyroidism, and has been on antidepressants in the past, and had one of those seasonal affective disorder sunlight lamps. He said he threw it out. But several weeks ago, I saw a bottle of antidepressants in his desk drawer, but I didn't see the date, so I don't know if it's recent or not. He had bottles of antidepressants in his apartment that were many years old. He's not a hoarder, he's more like the opposite of a hoarder despite that. He told me he had seen about three different therapists because of his shyness and difficulty finding a woman to date. He did have one girlfriend though. I don't think he has schizoid personality disorder though, because back when he was living in Russia, he would post often to his blog and his friends (who had met him in person), but I noticed that his posts and replies to other people's posts were often short. Usually only 3-5 sentences, max. Though I did see one post on an online forum about immigrating a description of his fiasco of dealing with officials in an airport. He got his citizenship in Canada before we met, by the way. I also don't think there's any possibility that he's an exclusive pedophile because he stared at my eyes just a little too long when we first met at an organized group meetup at a restaurant (this was before I reached out to him; yes, I was the one who broke the ice; a big no-no according to dating coaches, but I do believe females sometimes have to be the initiators, especially if the guy is suspected of having social anxiety disorder or avoidant personality disorder), and his eyes would follow my hand reaching for my beverage and putting my beverage down just a little too long and intensely. No I know some gays and pedophiles will pretend to act interested in women just to deflect any suspicion in society, but I don't think he was doing this to deflect suspicion because I waited 3 weeks after this meeting to initiate contact. I don't think he has borderline personality disorder because he doesn't have any scars on his body, nor tattoos nor piercings, and I've only seen him with a conventional hairstyle, and no rings on his fingers. I don't think he has antisocial personality disorder because in all the photos I've seen of him on meetup, he never has worn a gold necklace or gold pinky rings or tight jeans with cowboy boots and a big belt buckle and he is not a bodybuilder (his arms are quite skinny). One thing that freaked me out is that I asked him the famous riddle about the "Woman is at the funeral and sees the man of her dreams and kills her sister the day after. Why?" and he immediately answered it correctly!!! He was the only person who answered it correctly, and I went out of my way to ask a guy who claims to have an IQ tested in the 170s (he said his elementary school had to bring in a special tester, because he hit the ceiling on all their tests), and a guy who admits to having autism who has an accent like Toby in the movie "American Splendor" and has an IQ of 138 and is a computer programmer. I asked some engineers too. They all got it wrong. After asking my boyfriend that question, I asked a question out of the book "Moral Tribes" to test for utlitarianism or the type of collectivist morals like those found in China (which is basically the same as the trolley problem, though the example in the book is about an elevator), and he said "No!" and I asked him why not, and he said, "Because I don't want to!" At that point I was seriously considering dumping him, because I don't want to be in a relationship with a psychopath. I ended up continuing to date him because he doesn't seem to have the symptoms of them: he's not charming, he's not a sweet-talker, I know it's common for them to take economics, but my boyfriend originally took some sort of economics Bachelor's degree program but quit it because he hated it so much and switched to computers because he said he likes computers. I also looked up his YouTube channel, and he doens't have any footage of himself, but he had Liked a lot of cute cat videos. When he saved up enough money and bought his own apartment, he said he was thinking about getting a cat. I read that psychopaths don't derive enjoyment from animals, but if they get a pet, it will always be a dog, never cats. He has refused to meet my parents and my friend (I'm an introvert, remember! Ha ha ha), and he won't allow me to contact his family, which are in Russia. He is not as right-wing as most Russians. We both consider ourselves to be the same side of the political spectrum, but the thing is, we support opposite individual issues though! The book "The Hidden Agenda of the Political Mind" talks about most people are actually a lot more eclectic in their political views than what the common belief in society is, which is that everyone is either 100% liberal on every issue, or 100% conservative. I don't share all his political views. I do remember him saying to me when we first started dating that he doesn't talk to his parents about politics because they are right-wing. But he himself has some right-wing views about things. So maybe that's the reason why he doesn't like to talk to me, even about sports? He watches soccer on the internet, so I don't think he's a closeted gay. I remember reading in a book by author Liel Lowndes, who is an MFT (Marriage and Familty Therapist) (I can't remember the title of the book), that individuals in a romantic couple will subconsciously keep a balance in the relationship. For example, if the woman gains weight, the man will start to work less hours so he'll bring home less money. Or, he'll start becoming more emotionally distant. And vice-vers

December 28, 2018, 05:56:59 AM
Reply #1


I think it's just how he is. I too, am not very talkative, unless I talk about something I like or something I can relate to. Maybe if you find that thing where he has a lot of insights about, meybe he'll share more.

December 28, 2018, 08:58:28 AM
Reply #2


I think the answer is that your boyfriend is maybe lets say can't relate to the topic or he just want some "me time". Some guys cant just talk all day we need our private time also. to think of other stuffs.


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