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Author Topic: What to do when your boyfriend won't open up about his past

April 17, 2019, 08:18:45 PM
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astromeridian


Hey all,

I've been dating this guy for about two weeks now. But we've been close friends for a few months, so he's no stranger. Things are going well. He's happy. I'm happy. It's all been very positive. But the one thing bothering me is, he has a bad past. With past relationships. I think he took a mental toll from that-perhaps more than I know. Even while we were just close friends he never really opened up about any of this. We'd talk about it occasionally, and he knew I was there to talk when he needed to, but really when we did talk about it it was just in general terms (got cheated on, ex was very controlling...)

The thing is, hes not really one to like talking about things bothering him. He's told me himself that a while back. But he's told a lot of other people, his other friends, about specific parts of his past that I think I should definitely know about. The day after he asked me out, one of his best friends who is also a friend of mine informed me that after he caught his ex cheating on him last year, he told his ex/someone that he was "going to kill him" (would never actually do that, just said it in anger like I'd expect most people would) and his ex called the cops and now hes currently on probation.

I think that's something I should be aware of. I shouldn't have heard it from a friend. I should be hearing it from him. I know he would NEVER physically hurt anyone. Hes a good person. His friend told me that the probation was really just a formality, it wasn't because he had a gun or anything ready to attack.

I dont know. I know he hasn't told me about the probation or other specific parts of his past because he doesn't want me to worry. Has told me that himself. I'm a quiet, "innocent" person so he probably doesn't want me to see him like that. The probation itself doesn't scare me. I knew he had a bad past before we started dating. I  know him well enough to know he would never do anything terrible. What does scare me is that he wont open up. This concerns me too because the start of our relationship was pretty much founded upon the fact that hes been hurt many times in the past, and deserved someone who would be good for him (me). So he has to know he can talk to me about this. I need to know these things.

I've told him that I'm here for him. That when he's ready to, he can tell me more about his past. But I feel like some things need to be told to me. I shouldn't be the last person to find out hes on probation. And who knows what else.

What would you guys do? Have you been in this situation? I just need him to be able to communicate. He had a bad day today and mentioned a paper he needs to bring "to court" but wouldn't say anything else about it, and I didn't really say much in response other than a knowing glance, since I could tell hes upset with the things he's been going through today.

I'm just worried. Hes been one of my best friends for so long, yet when it comes to his past I feel like I'm dating a stranger...

 

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