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Author Topic: Was this cheating?

February 01, 2020, 04:54:48 PM
Read 1716 times


I have been with my current boyfriend for over 6 years. About 2 years ago, I was texting a guy friend I had known for 4 years. He was talking about his ex and mentioned that she was into some out-there things as far as kinks go, then casually asked what I liked. All I said was I liked ____... not that I wanted to do anything with him, not indicating I was interested in him. I was young (just turned 18) and I've always been open to talking about sexual topics with friends in a non-sexual way. My girl friends and I have talked about stuff we like sexually without it being sexual. So, at the time, it didn't seem like a big deal... we had been friends for years and I never had any sexual or romantic feelings towards him. But he started getting off/touching himself to what I said while we were texting, though I didn't know this until a few texts in (I only know because he said so, he didn't send pictures or videos or anything like that) and then he asked me to send him pictures of myself, I said no and immediately stopped the conversation.

Any relationship/contact with this guy has been almost nonexistent since then, but he recently messaged me late at night, drunk, saying he was "horny" and asking if I would "help him again?" I got very upset with him and told him I didn't want to talk to him about anything sexual with him ever again and for him to, and I quote: "not talk to me about anything [he] wouldn't talk about with [his] own mother." He said he wouldn't, but I ended up cutting him off anyways because it really upset me. I blocked him on everything.

This has brought back a lot of guilt. I know if I told my boyfriend, he'd be upset/mad and probably break up with me. I know now that it's not okay to talk about anything sexual with a guy friend, even if you think you're 100% platonic "friends" and I know that was a mistake and it has never happened again, but I have never wanted to cheat on my boyfriend. To clarify, I didn't reciprocate the guy's feelings/actions and I didn't get off to it. But I feel like I was an accomplice of some sort because I basically somehow "helped" him get off... Was this cheating? Is it cheating if someone gets off to something you tell them if you didn't reciprocate/feel the same at all?

I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and we're thinking about our future, marriage, etc. On one hand, I feel guilty about even telling this guy anything he could use to get off, but on the other hand, I didn't engage/reciprocate and telling my boyfriend could ruin our relationship. Do I need to tell my boyfriend even if it causes us to break up? Or is this something I can allow myself to let go of?

February 01, 2020, 06:29:12 PM
Reply #1


I can understand that this is a very difficult situation for you and that you are upset by it.  Let me put this straight out there, no you did not do anything wrong, nor did you cheat on your boyfriend.  You were just talking to a someone whom you believed was your friend, it is your 'friend' who tried to take advantage of your openess. Your intentions were clear, and in no way did you compromise yourself.  Unfortunately some men, or boys as is the case here, tend to do these things. Once you realised what he was doing you stopped communicaiton with him. So as stated before, you did not cheat on your boyfriend nor did you do anything wrong.

It should not be an issue if you tell your boyfriend but it also something you can let go of. In future, just be a little be wary of other guys

February 02, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
Reply #2


Cheating has to involve some kind of sexual or intimate act with someone else so no it would not count as cheating. It could come under some kind of misconduct though as far as a relationship is concerned. In my opinion It's quite disrespectful to your partner to spend long periods of time in the company of or internet messaging other men whether the conversation be sexual or not. No man feels comfortable with it and it's healthy and natural for a man to be jealous over this. The reality is you have a lot of male friends who want to bang you. Most women are in denial about this but it's just how reality works. Your boyfriend knows this even If you don't. I spent a good amount of hours talking to a girl on messenger who had a boyfriend and looking back I regret doing it. It's bad because I was basically being a beta orbiter giving this woman a bunch of free attention and not getting anything back. I was also being very disrespectful to the boyfriend of this woman who she should have been spending her free time messaging rather than me frankly. 

February 02, 2020, 05:21:12 PM
Reply #3


No way is that cheating and honestly i dont think he would break up with you over that (I know that i dont know the dynamic's of your relationship.) But that'd be a silly thing to break up with someone after so long together.

February 04, 2020, 03:30:54 PM
Reply #4


Men argh there all the same you did nothing wrong x

February 09, 2020, 11:37:03 AM
Reply #5


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February 14, 2020, 09:21:30 AM
Reply #6

Konstanty Wiśniewski

Men argh there all the same you did nothing wrong x

February 15, 2020, 03:20:07 AM
Reply #7


I suggest you move on and leave this behind. It s not cheating.

February 21, 2020, 05:31:11 PM
Reply #8


Definitely not cheating. You can't control what he does. Honestly that dude sounds like a tool anyway. 

February 25, 2020, 05:21:19 PM
Reply #9


This is not cheating in any way! You don't have the power over what the other guy's said to you and although you we're talking about ' sexual' things, this doesn't give him an open invite so say inappropriate stuff to you. I understand you feel guilty, but you really don't have to. If it makes you feel better telling your boyfriend then I think you should do that, cause you didn't cheat and he should understand.

March 07, 2020, 12:31:26 AM
Reply #10


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)


wish you have a great future with your loved one.


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