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Author Topic: Very confused...Something happened in my relationship that worries me

May 15, 2019, 10:48:33 PM
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I am very confused about something that happened recently in my relationship. I would appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. Thanks.
So, I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years. Recently we had an argument as there have been issues for a while as we don’t spend a lot of time together (he works nights and we don’t live together) which doesn’t help. The argument was pretty bad and out of nowhere he starts sobbing saying he’s sick of arguing and scared I’m going to leave him. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.
Fast forward a week. He came over the other night as a surprise saying work doesn’t need him tonight and he wanted to see me. I was surprised as wasn’t expecting him, however, was happy to see him. Once in my flat, I told him I needed to get in the shower as had been working earlier and was sweaty. He then asked if he could join me and I said no. He knows I don’t like it and has always respected this in the past. I then got in the shower and closed the door fully. After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said. I didn’t say anything more and just went along with it.
After us both getting out of the shower we got in bed, we started to make out and had sex (me on top) and he came. After lying down cuddling for a bit he suddenly starts tickling me really hard and when I said stop it that hurts, pushing him off he just started to laugh at me and carried on. Next thing he gets on top of me and pushes my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing, as we’ve just had sex. He doesn’t say anything and pushes inside of me. I said stop it as we had just had sex and was tired from work and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.
I am confused about this incident as we have only ever had gentle sex in the past and he has always stopped when I have told him not to do things. I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.

May 16, 2019, 04:01:57 PM
Reply #1

Rami Kamal

Dear Kate, were to begin first of all, obviously the guy has massive insecurities to the degree that he has to show his masculanity using what I understood from your text is SNM, I do understand a guys perspective of joining showers because hey im a guy ! however not understanding a girls passion is soemthing quiet discrmintive from him, Sex is done by two people, two people that should share there compassion with each other on the other side I think That a direct communication with him regarding the insecurities and specifc boundaries is a must, so to summarize all this you need to see if you actually love this guy or feel pitty for him, Pitty will not lead u anywhere in this world infact you will live a miserable life and one day if you decide on having kids you will not be happy, In this world we live in people stomp on others for the sake of their pleasure, this is life, handle it, there is no pitty in this, if hes not the correct type of person i would suggest to stop seeing him and he should handle himself as a man, sorry to tell you this but this forum is not for subtiling your soul and heart you are here to listen to different persepctives, like it or not thats mine

goodluck and stay safe


May 19, 2019, 01:47:02 AM
Reply #2


The only thing I could think while reading this was no, no, no get away from him.

If you think you want to maybe try to talk about what happened and tell him how you feel.

If he does not understand or don't give you a good reason for his behavior you should really reconsider this relationship.

Someone who does not respect your boundaries or no's can be a danger.

May 19, 2019, 08:48:50 AM
Reply #3


Given the fact that you are together for 4 years, I would really say that he deserves a clearing conversation before you just break up with him. But yeah, this is concerning and you should not have that happen again!

September 28, 2019, 05:43:31 PM
Reply #4


I think in order to be in a relationship with someone you have to feel that you are appreciated and respected. What you say and how you feel should matter to the person you are with. I fear that he has not respected you when he did not stop. Intimacy should be a agreed upon and not just “because you can”. I think you are strong for sharing your story. I think you should have a discussion about how you felt about this incident. There seems like there are some things in this relationship he is insecure about and might be the root of why he is behaving this way.

October 05, 2019, 07:00:40 AM
Reply #5


I have been in this same situation and I'm sad to say if they don't acknowledge you saying "No" the first time they never will. I don't want to scare you but at any time if you say no and he doesn't stop. Well that's rape. It took me a long time even after my long term relationship of 3 years to realize it had happened to me. My ex would sexually abuse me constantly between bullying me into having sex when I was exhausted or just not in the mood to going so far as taking advantage of me when I was drunk or taking meds to help me sleep when it was difficult or not completely possible for me to say no. It stressed me so badly (again at the time I didn't realize it was rape as he was older and told me that girlfriends should always be ready to please their boyfriends and that blue balls is a real thing... Its not btw) that I developed PTSD and wasn't diagnosed until well after the relationship was over. He made me feel guilty and like I was a bad girlfriend and that I had to please him. He would pitch tantrums if I held my ground and fought back and would get violent until he scared me into submission. He had to know where I was at all times. If I was refusing sex, every guy I talked to I must have been having sex with. It started out very similar to your situation and just escalated. You need to set those boundaries. If he doesn't comply you need to remove him from your life. "No" is not a negotiable word. It means what it means. If you said "No" he should stop whatever he's doing to you. You need to have that respect in the relationship. As they say "Give them an inch and they'll take a mile" meaning if you let him get away with it here and there he'll take advantage more and more.

October 06, 2019, 10:21:52 AM
Reply #6


This just sounds horrible, I am sorry you had to go through this. I only signed up to talk about something not too different that happened recently, but your case is more terrifying. I really hope you managed to deal with this behaviour and are ok now.

October 28, 2019, 06:56:20 PM
Reply #7


There's nothing wrong with some rough play, but it has to be consensual, and that wasn't. Maybe he gets one warning if he's lucky, but I would suggest it's time to walk away.


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