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Author Topic: Used and Abused.. still can't get over it

March 10, 2019, 03:10:27 AM
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Im a 24/F going through severe anxiety and self esteem issues. Around 8 months ago I met a guy on a dating app, it was great the first month. I was looking for a relationship and it seemed like he was too. Since the beginning I kept asking him that if he is not over his ex, I don't want to spend anymore time with him because thats for me feeling secure is the most important. He has severe depression and is under a lot of debt so often times he would say things like don't waste your time on me, how can I commit to you when I am suicidal etc. I felt very sympathetic and ignored all such comments. We kinda were living together for three months.

If I would do something cute for him, he would just smile or sometimes point out what I didn't do, I have pcos so I have thick facial hair he would always comment on that, he kept saying that I needed to lose weight and that three of his friends should try to hit on me, he would stare at waitresses and this one time made that "roar" sound as a joke while he was checking this girl out, he tried to do anal and this one time I gave in but it hurt a lot so I told him that its the last time but it kept happening (I can't blame him because after saying no three to four times, he would say things and I would give in), it was my apartment but he would call his friends over and they all thought it was his apartment because he would ask me sit quietly in the room (he didn't want people to know we were living together). Since he is in a lot of debt, I felt bad and started taking the food bill. In these 8 months, I have paid for his gas, food, and rent. He had days when he would say all sorts of sweet things and days of complete hostility. Then around 2 weeks towards the end of my lease ending, he started being even more distant and said that he is not over his ex. This completely shook my very belief, my very request of security. I said that its over so he started saying that it just bothers him, he is over it. He again wanted to come back into my life. He was talking about how I should come meet his mum, and then an hour later of this conversation on snapchat text, he tells me that he is still not over his ex. I completely broke contact, he then messaged me how amazing I was. we started again, and now two days ago out of the blue he said that I should delete his number and has made no contact since then. I know how you all must be thinking that I am so dumb and I completely agree, I suffer from very low self esteem. I can't get over the fact that he is still not over his ex and how he literally made no contact. I feel bad at times for his deteriorating mental health, should I completely delete his number or should I respond to his texts when they come? or check in on his mental health? How do I get over this chaos :( I feel so much hostility towards me, I stopped hanging out with friends and family.Now when I do hangout with friends I feel out of place. I still can't come to terms with everything

March 12, 2019, 02:11:45 PM
Reply #1



Love is confusing and complicated as are feelings. There's a reason why we need to separate feelings from logic. Please don't feel down for being you and for not knowing what you know. A lot of people suffer from low self esteem-I do not think he is a good guy for you. I also think he himself suffers from low self esteem-please remember: how you make others feel about themselves,says a lot about you. He felt down about himself so  he tried to protect that on you, know that it isn't your fault. He does need help, and a lot of it.

I do feel you need a lot of time away from him. Know that as of right now he's toying with your emotions-he misses his ex then the next minute he wants you to meet his mom. It's a big mess. Take time away and work on yourself, my dear. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what do you want? Do you want to be happy? Is this man making you happy?

March 13, 2019, 12:16:26 AM
Reply #2


i was into an affair with this married man for 6 years. He has a son of 14 and married for 15 years and told me he separated from his wife for the last 8 years which is true. But he kept in touch with her for the son.  I had issues with my own marriage so we both started an affair tht lasted for 6 years. I came to know that he was still tryin to make up with hi wife so I asked him to come clean so that we can stop affair and be friends but he always said he hated her. I caught him red handed and leaked all info about affair to hsi wife. TO my shock, the wife was mad at him( though they never met in the past few years) and he kept lowprofile for a month and came back to me. He didnt know I leaked the emails.

Then I started to notice some changes in his behaviour again after 6 months. He started getting close to a girl of 23. he said she is an artist and he is just friends with this girl. Again I requested him to tell me the truth if he has any feelings for her because I wanted friendship with him forever and thats more important. But he kept telling me that he has nothing with her as she is a kid. I trusted him again but still had some doubts somewhere. Suddenly one day I caught himw tih her in his room kissing. I confronted him and he asked me to leave. I didnot and told the girl everything about the affair.showed her all the emails and pictures. She left from his place after slapping him. Later she called me and we both spoke for hours together and to our shock we found that he was spending the first half of the day with me and the second with her. He took me to movesi, spas, lunches, played chess with me till evening. Later he spent nights having sex with her, took her for shopping and all other places we visited. He even spoke exactly the same dialogues to both of us women.

But he never had sex with me the moment he met her. Thats only solace.

She told me that she even aborted his child . She showed me their whats app chat and she indeed was preganant.
Later both of us came to know from a common friend that this guy actually trapped this girl after she came to him for treatment. He planned to trap her for sex and with his cute talk and charm he managed to do that. This common friend introduced the girl to this man.

After the truth came out, The girl put his name on facebook and warned told entire story to the world. Tagged him. She went to his home and told his sister about him. She showed my mails to his sister. Apparently this man told her that after separation from wife, he never touched another woman while he was having sex with me day and night. Also he lied to her ( just lke how he lied to me) that I was only his friend and past ex GF who was obsessed with him. This pissed her off and she realised that she has been actually trapped with a plan.

I was happy that she came to kow the truth, I was shocked because I didnot want my mails on facebook. I simply wanted her to show that he was with me while he was sleeping with her. But unfortunately, she is now planning to take him to court filing  a case of molestation.
He had 6 months of affair with her. During that period, I begged him to tell me if he had any relationship so that I get closure and I can move on so friendship at least can be saved. But he kept lying that he didnot.
Now he blocked me everywhere and stopped talking to me.
I requested her to move on in life or patch up with him but she wants to take him to the court.
Im so worried.

I dont understand why the girl wants to file a complaint against him when their relationship was consensual. I was anyway his EX who went to only movies and shopping with him. She was the one whom he was having sex with. Luckily he never touched me in these 6 months( but was planning to go out on vacation with me ) so may be I still have some respect for him. But he confused me to no end buy planning for vacations, by talking to me whole day n night, feeling jealous when I spoke to ohter men. So I thought he was simply taking a break from me. I was so confused. Am I reason for their breakup? I was mad because he lied to me for 6 months and badmouthed me before her when he could clearly told me that he was in a relationship . It could have saved our friendship
Now how can I request him to be friends with me again? I dont care wiht whom he sleeps but he has been a good friend to me and I want his friendship.

March 13, 2019, 02:21:17 AM
Reply #3


Just contact them and ask them if they want to hang out. My friends would instantly say yes. That’s what kind of friendship we have. Even if we don’t see each other for a very long time, there’s no issue with them.

If they don’t want to, you should ask some other friends

April 08, 2019, 03:35:50 PM
Reply #4


Could you do what you’ve already done, forever? This is the perfect time to think about your short-, medium- and long-term goals, as well as your values.


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