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Author Topic: Struggling to process breakup

October 12, 2019, 02:29:27 PM
Read 1015 times


Hi all,

Not really sure where to begin. I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend of 10 months. He totally swept me off my feet the day we got together. He was like no other guy I had met before. He was gentle, caring and everything I’d be looking for. For the first time in my life a guy had made me feel warm and complete inside. We have so many lovely memories together.

There was a lot of factors in our breakup unfortunately. Before I delve into problems relating to him. I’ll admit I was not perfect, I made huge mistakes. Never any cheating from either side. But it was my first proper serious relationship. First time living away from my family and first time truly caring for a boyfriend. I was stubborn and argumentative and at times immature. But I loved him and I still do.

Before we started dating I knew of his mental health problems. We met at work so I was informed of them by colleagues first. It didn’t bother me, he had a come out of a very dark place and seemed to be moving forward with his life. He said that his ex girlfriend mentally abused him and caused him to have a mental breakdown. But he also had some very deep rooted childhood issues which caused him problems. Anyways. For months it was perfect, it was like a dream. We clicked and fitted together like a puzzle. He was my best friend, we spent all our time together and enjoyed every second of it.

From the start his sister appeared to want to be heavily involved in the relationship. I felt she was skeptical of me after his last relationship. Which was fine. I made the effort and got involved with his family. Hung out with them etc.

From the start he was super paranoid about me cheated. He couldn’t accept I had been with others before him. He caused constant arguments about it and would then apologise when I got upset. But nothing ever changed. He made me feel like a whore in all honesty for my past. Which really did knock my self confidence. I loved him so deeply, I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that. Why the past was an issue when I was with him 100 percent.

He had quite bad breakdowns if I was to mention that he upset me. He would cry and get in hysterics. Scratch himself. It used to scare me tbh. But I just let go of what had upset me and took care of him. Overtime it took its toll on me. I hated seeing him in pain that way and wanted him to have the best life.

The cracks started to show when he moved into his own place. He pretty much wanted me living with him. But never officially asked. Would just make me feel guilty if I went home. So I just stayed there all the time. We started arguing a fair amount. Maybe it was all too soon and we rushed things.

We were due to go on holiday and we had a falling out. He was up at his sister this time. He did something he’d never done before. He totally ignored me and acted like he didn’t care. Said he needed space. Turns out he was telling his sister all about the argument. She gave her opinions which was to not be with me. Anyways we made up and had the most amazing holiday. No phones just us time and it felt so nice.

We got back and still argued a lot. But had some great times too.

We broke up a first time. He had his family down and I went home. Got the feeling he didn’t really want there. Was a half hearted invite and he didn’t even look me in the eye. Thought it best to give him space as he was complaining he never sees them. Which was nothing to do with me. I encouraged him to make plans, but he always cancelled. We had a fight none the less broke up and I took all my things back home whilst he out a dinner with them.

We spoke a couple days later and made up. Agreeing to not tell our families of arguments and try to fix them ourselves. And to be more supportive and open up more.

He started a new role at work and I honestly felt like I lost him. He gave up bothering with me. Barely spoke to
Me. Would constantly sit on his phone, sleep on the sofa, finish late and not tell me. I became a shell of the person I used to be. I was so lonely I tried telling him but he said I was over sensitive. I sat inside and lost myself a bit.

Anyways we argued I just wanted him to care and he never did by the looks of it. I ended it with him because he just kept pushing me away. He also said he was done with me too.

The next day I collected my things. Low and behold his whole family were there his mum sat there smirking at me. He was there hiding his face under a pillow. He then left the flat with his mum. I got my stuff and left. His sister then decides to text me saying he doesn’t want any of my food in the freezer and I’d left clothes there. So childish and pathetic. I just told her to bin as I was done. Seemed to just wanna play games. An hour later his brother texts me saying he’s left bags outside my front door. Whatever it was just went straight in the bin as if already asked them to do.

He blocked me and hasn’t spoken a word to me since. He reactivated his Facebook, deleted me and deleted all pictures of me. I’ve messaged him twice since it happened. Once to say that I could leave his belongings from my locker at work outside his door. Low and behold a message from
His sister again saying she would meet me outside to collect it. I just blocked her at this point and sent the stuff in the internal post at work. Not dealing with that drama.

The second message was saying if he wanted to clear the air then he can message me. So that we aren’t uncomfortable at work. No response of course.

I’ve seen him twice at work since as well. The first he looked and looked away: I just walked past. The second he looked surprised and shocked to see me in my own workplace. He then turned around and went the other way. Instead of walking 1 second past me to the door.

But alas, I still love him so much to the point I’m writing on here. I’m still hopeful that one day he’ll message me. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m trying to focus and move on. But my heart is in so much pain. Any advice would be helpful.

February 20, 2020, 10:07:25 AM
Reply #1


Well, first of all - it's your first serious relation.
And of course, it will be full of mistakes.
There is no proper answer on this. It's life. It should happen. That's it.
Editor on real place for relationships

February 22, 2020, 12:52:13 AM
Reply #2


Hey there,

It's alright to break up with someone even though they've had a hard life or abuse of some kind. Its very hard and taxing to deal with paranoia and mental breakdowns. And its ok to be "selfish" or "sensitive" in that you yourself need love and care just as they do. It isn't an equal relationship if one gets all the care and the other doesn't. To help process the breakup though hanging onto the notion or hope that'll you get back together or he'll message you may not be the best thing as it isn't letting your mind fully let go.

February 24, 2020, 02:39:17 PM
Reply #3


It's honestly going to be tough.. and the feelings you have are totally valid, however, mirroring what Spacefox has to say - hanging on and having hope about the relationship will not make the break up process any easier nor is following / monitoring his social activity. It's toxic behaviour that will prevent you from moving on.

Try and schedule in some time with your girlfriends and go out and have some fun. Occupy your mind with some meditation, or some classes you've been meaning to try out. This period of time will be tough, but you can pull through stronger than ever.

March 07, 2020, 12:07:49 AM
Reply #4


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)


wish you have a great future with your loved one.


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