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Author Topic: Someone please help me understand?

January 08, 2019, 01:23:27 AM
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cheyxie


hi everyone im back here again and i'm having a problem with my boyfriend that i've been dating for almost 9 months now, i've been thinking and i can't seem to understand him especially today.

we had a disagreement more of an argument today regarding phones, somehow if you guys have heard of the Netflix show, 'YOU,' mostly about a guy who stalks this female writer and develops an obsession with her. since my bf and I were talking about the last ep we both watched together last night, it led to phone issue because in the show, there was a flashback scene to where it showed the main guy character's ex not giving him her phone and hiding things.

anyways, at first my bf and I were disagreeing on the characters and then he brought up a joke about the phones, "the girl should have given her phone to him" and then he jokingly said "if someone could do that, ahem." and we kept talking then we argued about the phone issue where I wouldn't give him my phone and such.

some background info; my bf had an ex and it was toxic af, they would fight almost every single day, etc. it was his first gf at that time and he was rly happy, his ex always asked for his phone but he never got her phone bc he was scared of her and she wouldn't let him. they broke up bc he found out she 'supposedly' cheated but he never confirmed it. he told me how he used to be really jealous in the relationship and i guess a bit obsessive, he'd ask her what she was doing and check her social media, etc. after few years and when he met me, he changed to be more relaxed and such.

me on the other hand, i used to liked someone very much but we never dated yet i wanted to, the guy i used to like (Bill) never asked for my phone, he was open-minded but it didn't work out because we had terrible communication which led to him ignoring me for a month and my texts, i put alot of effort and chasing him, etc.

so in my current relationship, the beginning of our first month, my bf kept asking me to see my phone and I did not want to give him my phone because I didn't have anything to hide btw but to me, my phone had my messages with friends, browser, etc and it's like my own personal world so when someone looks thru that, it's like violating my world.
I didn't give him my phone and he got mad, we had a fight where he told me he wouldn't ask for it.

Few months after, he asks for it again and tells me he 'checks' my phone because he has negative thoughts and checking my phone is a way to relieve those so I gave in and every morning, he would take my phone and check it. Funny thing is, I tell him everything, even the things my friends text me, like I had nothing to hide at all but I find it annoying for someone to do that because he goes into my social media.  I rarely ask for his phone and the only time I did was to look at the photos we have together on his gallery.

Fast forward few months, we got into a fight because of my closure with Bill, the guy i used to like. The fight ended in him asking for a utimatum, "you either give me all your social media info or it's over" I guess I loved him that much, I gave him  my infomation to my snapchat and messenger. He read all the convos I had on there, he told me "this is the only time I'll ever ask for your social media."

Back to the current argument, he told me he wouldn't ask for my phone again and we argued because I told him he has trust issues, he admit he did and then he brought up Bill asking me if Bill ever asked for my phone, I told him "No he didn't because he doesn't have insecurity issues." Then he told me "He never asked for it because he didn't care about you" that got me mad and I told him "so you're telling me guys who care check their girlfriend's phones?" I am not sure what he said after but we kept arguing and he finally told me he wouldn't check my phone again and that we won't talk about this issue again.

Someone please explain to me the mind of my boyfriend? like I understand he has insecurity issues and stuff but there are times I feel he is being one-sided and not seeing my point of view because  I feel at times he has a bias against girls where he thinks all girls who cheat are hoes bc of his experience with his ex.

January 08, 2019, 05:29:50 PM
Reply #1
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Staff

Forum Staff
hi everyone im back here again and i'm having a problem with my boyfriend that i've been dating for almost 9 months now, i've been thinking and i can't seem to understand him especially today.

we had a disagreement more of an argument today regarding phones, somehow if you guys have heard of the Netflix show, 'YOU,' mostly about a guy who stalks this female writer and develops an obsession with her. since my bf and I were talking about the last ep we both watched together last night, it led to phone issue because in the show, there was a flashback scene to where it showed the main guy character's ex not giving him her phone and hiding things.

anyways, at first my bf and I were disagreeing on the characters and then he brought up a joke about the phones, "the girl should have given her phone to him" and then he jokingly said "if someone could do that, ahem." and we kept talking then we argued about the phone issue where I wouldn't give him my phone and such.

some background info; my bf had an ex and it was toxic af, they would fight almost every single day, etc. it was his first gf at that time and he was rly happy, his ex always asked for his phone but he never got her phone bc he was scared of her and she wouldn't let him. they broke up bc he found out she 'supposedly' cheated but he never confirmed it. he told me how he used to be really jealous in the relationship and i guess a bit obsessive, he'd ask her what she was doing and check her social media, etc. after few years and when he met me, he changed to be more relaxed and such.

me on the other hand, i used to liked someone very much but we never dated yet i wanted to, the guy i used to like (Bill) never asked for my phone, he was open-minded but it didn't work out because we had terrible communication which led to him ignoring me for a month and my texts, i put alot of effort and chasing him, etc.

so in my current relationship, the beginning of our first month, my bf kept asking me to see my phone and I did not want to give him my phone because I didn't have anything to hide btw but to me, my phone had my messages with friends, browser, etc and it's like my own personal world so when someone looks thru that, it's like violating my world.
I didn't give him my phone and he got mad, we had a fight where he told me he wouldn't ask for it.

Few months after, he asks for it again and tells me he 'checks' my phone because he has negative thoughts and checking my phone is a way to relieve those so I gave in and every morning, he would take my phone and check it. Funny thing is, I tell him everything, even the things my friends text me, like I had nothing to hide at all but I find it annoying for someone to do that because he goes into my social media.  I rarely ask for his phone and the only time I did was to look at the photos we have together on his gallery.

Fast forward few months, we got into a fight because of my closure with Bill, the guy i used to like. The fight ended in him asking for a utimatum, "you either give me all your social media info or it's over" I guess I loved him that much, I gave him  my infomation to my snapchat and messenger. He read all the convos I had on there, he told me "this is the only time I'll ever ask for your social media."

Back to the current argument, he told me he wouldn't ask for my phone again and we argued because I told him he has trust issues, he admit he did and then he brought up Bill asking me if Bill ever asked for my phone, I told him "No he didn't because he doesn't have insecurity issues." Then he told me "He never asked for it because he didn't care about you" that got me mad and I told him "so you're telling me guys who care check their girlfriend's phones?" I am not sure what he said after but we kept arguing and he finally told me he wouldn't check my phone again and that we won't talk about this issue again.

Someone please explain to me the mind of my boyfriend? like I understand he has insecurity issues and stuff but there are times I feel he is being one-sided and not seeing my point of view because  I feel at times he has a bias against girls where he thinks all girls who cheat are hoes bc of his experience with his ex.

Hi @cheyxie, good to see that you're back posting, I do hope that you can make use of this forum when you aren't having issues, too.

As you're posting on this forum and actively seeking advice on your relationship issues, I imagine the relationship isn't going well.

There clearly isn't trust n your relationship as he's consistently asking to see your phone, is there any reason he should have these trust issues? As anything historically happened or is it just because of this TV show?

I don't mind it if my other half asks for my phone, but it's the terminology she uses that would make me think if something is up. e.g if she asks to purposely check my phone for messages, then I would be concerned, rather if she asked to go on my phone to use Facebook or to look through our pictures together, but then secretly had a look, I'd be fine with that. As I have nothing to hide.

If you truly have nothing to hide, I think it's worth letting him look through, and eventually, he'll begin to trust you. It's a shame it has to resolve to this though.

Hope you make it work.

Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

January 08, 2019, 06:51:11 PM
Reply #2
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cheyxie


I believe it’s because of his ex, they didn’t have that much trust either and he never got to look thru her phone.

He told me when he thought she ‘supposedly’ cheated on her, they broke up, not only that but it was toxic. He changed alot after that like he never wanted to be desperate again as he was before when they broke up the first time and he wanted her back, as the second time was their official break up.

I feel his assumptions of her cheating on him really clouded his mind and give him this bias that all girls who cheat are ‘bad’ or “hoes.” Not only that but before the break up, he never developed any negative thoughts.

I will take your advice and let him look thru my phone as I have nothig to hide.

January 08, 2019, 07:18:48 PM
Reply #3
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Staff

Forum Staff
I believe it’s because of his ex, they didn’t have that much trust either and he never got to look thru her phone.

He told me when he thought she ‘supposedly’ cheated on her, they broke up, not only that but it was toxic. He changed alot after that like he never wanted to be desperate again as he was before when they broke up the first time and he wanted her back, as the second time was their official break up.

I feel his assumptions of her cheating on him really clouded his mind and give him this bias that all girls who cheat are ‘bad’ or “hoes.” Not only that but before the break up, he never developed any negative thoughts.

I will take your advice and let him look thru my phone as I have nothig to hide.

I think so too. Give him some reassurance, let him know he can trust you. Hopefully in time he'll recover.
Your friendly neighborhood moderator.=)

January 08, 2019, 11:16:23 PM
Reply #4
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mayaelin


Honestly, having been there myself it's hard. He had a ex who cheated on him so he always had trust issues and in the back of his mind he always will. So you have to take it as it goes and see how it progresses and if he continues then its up to you to end it or continue to put up with his constant insecurity and nagging.