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Author Topic: should I stay or should I go? is this abuse???

April 17, 2019, 02:47:04 PM
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Hello.  I'm new here to this site and I need advice about my current relationship. 

I'm 34 and my bf is 26.  We'll call him Tom for the sake of this post. 
I'd consider myself a pretty lady, good person, and successful in my own right. 
I have my own house, I'm a local musician who's well-liked in the music community, I work from home full time doing IT,
and have a school age son (10) who's with me every other week (his dad and I have shared 50/50 custody).

Tom and I have been together for 8 months now, and things have been rocky to say the least. 
We've split up twice now, once for a few days in December, and a second time we actually broke up for a few weeks in February.

In late November/early December, we got into a huge fight while on a road trip to visit my family as my brother
had a massive heart attack and needed heart surgery.  On the way back, eventually things came to a head when I directed
my focus on HIS social media activity as opposed to constantly defending my integrity.  I was appalled that he was following
THOUSANDS of Instagram models/porn sites, and was flirting and complimenting his female friends openly on Facebook,
calling them "always gorgeous" and hearting every selfie they took.

We took a break for a few days after getting back into town.  We ended up patching things up and he deleted all his social media
(I didnt ask or demand him to), admitting that he collected so many unsavory "friends" on Instragram
after being single and lonely so long.

The big breakup happened in February when he got drunk and belligerent with me to the point where I was fearing my safety.
I was studying for a certification exam the next morning for my job, and was sober (note I hardly drink).  I think he just got mad
or jealous I was trying to better my career, but he went overboard with the insults, intimidation, and threats to the point
where I called the cops.  Since he didnt lay a hand on me, the cops couldn't do anything besides ensure he got into the Uber. 
The only way he would get into the Uber was for reassurance we weren't over (one of the cops talked me into that, even though at
that point I was sooooo done.)

We didn't talk for a couple weeks at that point. It was clear I was done as I made no attempt to contact him.
Quite hurt and seeking comfort, I hit up an ex-flame out of the blue (let's call him Mark), and we ended up meeting for drinks
and slept together.  A few days after I slept with Mark, Tom texts me out of the blue, apologizing for his behavior, and vowing
to never drink heavily again, admitting that he has a problem with alcohol, begging for another chance.

So I took Tom back, feeling like I'd be single forever (again) if I didn't try to work things out. 
Much to my embarrrassment, Mark (the ex flame) had once again tricked me into the sack with no hope of a relationship
out of it, using the feelings I had for him (and admitted to), only for a quick roll in the hay.
It turns out Mark's been seeing someone else who really digs him (and posts pictures with him all the time -
they call each other babe and heart things).  Hell, I even hugged that chick at shows and friended her on FB before I knew what was up.
So I unfriended them both (technically Mark wasn't my FB friend any longer anyhow), and I'm trying to forget that all happened.
I hate to admit it, but the happiest I had been in a LONG time was when I thought Mark and I might actually end up together.
Boy was that a lie.  I sure know how to pick em.

I was honest with Tom, and admitted to sleeping with Mark while we were broken up. He considers me as a full-fledged cheater now,
even though I was never (and will never be) unfaithful to him while together, no matter how bad things get.

I don't think Tom will ever genuinely forgive me for that, because if so, he won't be able to use that as a reason
to insult me any longer....Plus not to defend myself, but we were broken up without contact for two weeks at that point,
and I was honest with him when we got back together.

The good of Tom:

Tom helps out a TON.  He helps with house chores, is a great cook, and helps out a lot with my son. 
My son can be a bit lazy and unmotivated at times, and now all of sudden, the kiddo wakes up on time,
doesn't argue with me about everything I ask him to do, and has been doing better in school. 
Tom is also pretty smart and we can have some really great conversations.  He also shares the remote with me and we
try to share music with one another.  I've even started working out at the gym again with him, as Tom has really motivated
me to think and eat healthier, and I'm already seeing results in my body image.  As a woman who's felt like
every dude bails and never cares about my son, it was a refreshing change for someone to seem so invested.

The bad of Tom:

Tom has an anger management issue.  Unsure if he's bipolar or has borderline personality disorder or something,
but he can be pretty damn moody, angry, and throw fits.  He has two prior domestic violence charges on his record and was
recently released from probation (November), after being mandated to attend group and individual therapy sessions for two years. 
He says that the first count was an argument with his mom (which she has verified - the charges were dropped),
and the second count was with his cheating ex girlfriend. 

One day while he was at work, she came to his job and confronted him about having slept with yet another man,
and he was so angry he yelled and they got into a shoving match, as to which a bystander called the police. 
He was arrested, spent the night in jail, and that was pretty much the end of that relationship for him. 
He ended up moving here to the city we both live in now, and started a new life rooming with his Dad and working
for his Dad's commercial painting company. (Secretly, I wonder if he moved here because SHE moved here, since he still seems
quick to defend her honor, while not hesitating to tarnish mine.  He even has her number memorized....so there's that.
His last contact (supposedly) with her was a few months before we started dating, when she gave him his wallet back and pointed out
how her life is much better without him. Yikes.)

Back to our relationship.  Fights escalate so quickly with him that half the time, I don't even know what we're arguing about
eventually.  He has a severe lack of trust in me, and seems terribly insecure.  As I'm a musician, I know and talk to a lot
of men, and I'm in a band with two males and one female.  The ratio of men to women in music definitely tilts towards men being more
common, and I've just happened to make platonic friendships over the years that I don't want to destory (for me AND for the sake of
my music). Music is like a career to me, and the greatest passion I've ever had in life.

Even when things are going well, Tom can make underhanded comments that will send things reeling into an argument.
Imagine picking up your phone to see why it vibrated, then getting asked "is that one of your boyfriends?"

We'll have a good day, texting each other and enjoying the relationship, only for him to come home, sulking,
drinking a 6 pack, and acting like I've been sleeping with men all day versus working.  He's even demanded to smell my
vagina to see if I've been cheating, and one time flew off the deep end, accusing me of "smelling like a condom",
when I most certainly did not and was not cheating.  I've never cheated on him. 
He'll even burst through the bathroom door when I'm on the toilet, accusing me of flirting with men when I'm just online
shopping or looking at my bank balance or texting my son.

I've tried to do the same to him (reverse psychology?), accusing him of infidelity, but he just gets angry and we'll get
into a fight about it.  He doesn't want me to question his phone behavior or his fidelity, but feels compelled to constantly
question mine.  From past experiences, the one who accuses is the one cheating. I had an ex who wouldn't even let me join a
band as "they obviously only wanted me in the band to sleep with me", yet when we broke up he moved across country and got
married within two weeks...

Glosing over that....My phone is perpetually on silent so he doesn't accuse me of things I'm not doing. 
It causes me to miss phone calls- sometimes his phone calls, and he'll go into a fit of accusations if I don't answer the phone
or his text right away, even if I'm on a work call.  Yet he'll go dark during the day, and I don't give him trouble
because I assume he's busy working.

I hardly ever pick up my phone when he's around now, even though he basically LIVES on his phone all day and night long,
texting friends, looking up stuff online, listening to music.  He's picked up my phone while I've been sleeping or showering,
perusing through all my browser history and conversations.  If I did that to him, he would throw a tantrum!
In fact, I did that to him recently, and he claimed his browser history was synced from his dad's Google account, and he
wasn't the one looking at porn or searching #hotwomen or #bums on Instagram.....

During fights, even if he says something offensive or mean, he'll shut down and listen to music. 
One time it frustrated me so bad, I pulled the ear buds out of his ears and unintentionally broke them. 
He's never let me live that down, even though I apologized and bought him a new pair of headphones.

Our sex life is MOSTLY good, although he's gotten frustrated a few times when I would try to use my hand to pleasure
myself during coitus.  That's just how I'm wired, but it supposedly makes him feel like he's not "good enough".

He's also woke me up a few times during the night, masturbating while groping me.  He claims he needs to masturbate
to get back to sleep and since "I don't let him use porn....."  He also convinced me one night to have anal sex with him
when he was drunk after we had an argument.  I've never had anal sex before, so that wasn't what I'd call an optimal
"first time" for that....he wasn't very gentle about it, let's put it that way.
When I tried to confront him about the groping/masturbation and the coerced anal sex, he accused me of accusing him
of rape and made a huge scene while we were out on the town one night, embarrassing the crap out of me. 

All of this has been painful to write.  I've been trying SO HARD to make this work, but I really don't know who to turn
to for all of this.  Most of this is so embarrassing to write, I just don't want to confide to a close friend or family
member about it because I'm afraid they'll just dislike him more.

None of my bandmates like Tom, nor does my son. My son tries to respect Tom (for the sake of his mama) but since Tom
nitpicks him so much, I'm pretty sure the kid resents him a lot.  Tom has also made comments like,
"when we have kids things will be different".

After a big argument yesterday, Tom has now agreed to couple's counseling.
I had gotten frustrated by his lack of financial support, as he's been living with me for months now and barely helping out
(yet feeling entitled to everything of mine).  I asked that if he continue to use my car (his truck broke down last week and
needs a new transmission - so at this point, a different vehicle is in order), that he help with the payments.
This enraged him to the point of insulting me for several hours despite my tears and begging him to stop.
He justified treating me this way because I insulted him and "questioned his manhood".

The WORST part?  Midway through the argument yesterday, my ex came by with our son because he had to get something out of his room
for school.  They (my ex and kiddo) heard TOO much, and now my ex is concerned for the safety of me and our boy.
I ended up having him pack up all his belongings and attempted to drop him off at his Dad's (where he lived prior to moving in
with me).  He demanded instead that I give him $60 to use for gas to go back to his hometown for a few days,
which I didn't agree to as it felt like I was paying him off to leave me forever.

Today hasn't been much better.  He skipped work today and his dad ended up hiring on three helpers for his company and
no longer needs him, as he was undependable and didn't have his own transportation anymore.  I've been trying to be
supportive of him, but all he wants to do is go get beer with his remaining $11 in his account, and argued with me that
I'm trying to "dictate his life" when I pleaded for him to not drink today.

I doubt things will be better, but I've been so humilated and hurt at this point, that I just really wanted things to work
out and get better so I can have a happy relationship like I see everyone in my life doing.  I don't want to end up alone again
for another year of my life, as the dating pool here sucks and all I seem to run into are drug addicts, drunks, and the typical
"penis out for groupies" male musicians whom I've tried to date.  I'm at my wit's end. 

Please help.

April 17, 2019, 08:32:27 PM
Reply #1


Yes, it is abuse. There is book called "Psychopath-free". I recommend it.

June 10, 2019, 06:38:27 AM
Reply #2


yes, i believe everything happens for a reason. tom is a hypocrite, when you left him for a while he was following all those disgusting sites, you didn’t judge him. however when you took a break and spent a few nights with Mark, he overreacted to badly. don’t get back with him, you’ll just inflict more pain into yourself.

June 10, 2019, 03:57:21 PM
Reply #3


It sounds like there are many highs and lows in your relationship and that he has a hard time maintaining boundaries in relationships and struggles with controlling his temper. I think the fact that you feared for your safety tells you a lot about if this relationship is abusive or not.  The good should never take precedent over your safety.


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