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Author Topic: should I stay or should I go? is this abuse???

February 11, 2020, 04:17:32 PM
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Hello all.  I'm a 41F and I've been with my 27M boyfriend for about a year and a half now.  This is a tough post to write as so much has happened in our relationship.

For starters, my BF used to be an alcoholic when we first met.  About two months into our relationship, we started having pretty nasty arguments.  He would get drunk and get verbally abusive to me, intimidate and harass me, and even threaten me at times.  Around when these fights began, I also discovered he had a record of past domestic violence charges, and was even still ON probation when we first met.

He clung to me really fast and seemed like he had no other life but to be my man.  He moved in quick to my place from where he was staying at his Dad's. Since I just turned 40 at the time, and struck out left and right at dating/relationships for awhile before him, it seemed like he was a perfect match for me, even if we were both admittedly little co-dependent.  He was affectionate, showered me with compliments, and seemed like he had a good heart.

When his drunken tirades would happen, he'd break things of mine, break doorframes, headbutt my kitchen table, hide my things like my FitBit, phone, laptop, even one time he unplugged the internet modem when I tried to email my work that I wasn't going to make it in the next morning (due to being up late in a terrible argument).  It was a lot to endure and I tried breaking up w him quite a few times. 

But...I'd always end up taking him back when he would text/call incessantly, or even show up at my house.  He'd make me feel like I was his everything, and also manipulate me with guilt, so I'd cave.

There were other things, not just his drunken blackouts, that were problematic...
These still exist, even though he's been sober now since Sept 2019.

I'd like to also point out that in Sept 2019, the catalyst to him quitting alcohol was him getting jealous I had band practice,
which escalated into an instant argument when my bandmates left, and ended up insulting, mocking, and intimidating me, and eventually tackled me into the bedroom wall.  Up until then, I had kept his evil side a secret from my son, but my son was there that fateful night.  We broke up and I ghosted him for 2 months because of that night.  I told him I'd never speak to him again so long as he drank, and he started going to AA after that frequently, but has stopped ever since we reconciled in late Nov 2019.

But reading on...here's other things besides his drinking...

1) He's perpetually broke, and doesn't seem to have much motivation for a career to make sustainable income.  This puts extra strain on me, as I have myself and my son to support as it is.  Even as I write this, he has the day off from work - a job he's worked at FULL time for 3 weeks now, yet has brought home $150 total (its commission-based)...it's such a financial burden that starting up a work from home bakery and also looking into a part time job (in addition to my full time job I already have).

2) He's entitled to everything of mine.  Whether it's my money, cigarettes, lighters, hoodies, food, soda, used to be alcohol, headphones, what we watch on TV, everything seems to be his now.  He'll Bluetooth to my car radio instantly when we go anywhere, so I can't even listen to music I like most of the time unless I make a request.  He'll throw a fit if me and my son drink all the sodas, yet doesn't blink an eye when he drinks or eats the last of food I purchased.  He's taken over hoodies of mine, baseball caps of my son's, and all without asking.  He just feels entitled.

3) Whenever I try to discuss something that's bugging me, he'll usually shut down, storm out, counter-accuse, and the communication just goes downhill. His main way of winning a discussion is to yell or ignore me, which is really bad on my anxiety and just further escalates.

4) It doesn't even seem like he respects me. He "mansplains" constantly, one-upping me in conversation, talking over me, and desiring to be the subject matter expert on anything we talk about.  Basically, it feels like he doesn't respect anything I have to say and rarely "gives me  the floor".   He also seems to treat others far more friendly than he does to me.  We've been together long enough for me to compare how he talks to his friends and parents, versus how he talks to me.  Whereas he'd be on the phone with his mom one moment all happy and chatty, then glum and quiet with me when he gets off the phone.

5) Guilt trips galore. I'm dealing with a female problem at the moment, yet he still whines we don't have sex as much as we used to.  If I try to talk about the finances, he'll just make me feel guilty that he's working full time (commission job) and hasn't brought home anything.

6) Social Media.  Actually he has none.  When we first met, gave me SOOO much BS that I was doing inappropriate things online (when I wasn't), yet I found out a few months into the relationship that he was following hundreds of Instagram models and porn sites, had hundreds of female friends on FB he wanted to hook up with, and used SnapChat.  After an argument in Nov 2018, he disabled all his social media.  I don't even get to be "in a relationship" on FB with anyone, nor tag my BF in photos. Despite numerous pleas for him to return to FB, he did once and for a week, and now he's been off it again.  Or has he?

7) I have no personal space.  I work from my home office, so he thinks its OK to barge into my office all the time.  If I try to ask him not to barge in without knocking, he accuses me of chatting with men (yet my son knocks every time).  I can't leave the house without him unless he's at work, even if its to the gas station or to pick up my son from school.  He'll even return from work early just to see if he can "catch me in the act" of cheating, when all I'm doing is working.

8) He has absolutely no desire to get closer to my son, and my son hates him.  After what the BF has put me through, I don't think I can blame my son for his opinion.  Others feel the same way (that I should leave him).

9) He CONSTANTLY has his phone on him.  He'd rather sleep with it in his pajama pants than to charge it overnight.  Maybe its a slightly paranoid thought since he's done me wrong in many ways, but he really has his phone up his butt all the time.  I know his pass-code, but I've never snooped on his phone.  I'm pretty sure he's snooped on mine before, as he's noticed when I change my PIN. 

While I've seen vast improvement since he quit drinking in Sept 2019, we still argue more than a typical couple does.  I've struggled with forgiving him for the past, but it was basically our ENTIRE relationship. Plus, I've never been in a physically abusive relationship before, but then I feel guilt, knowing that I've struggled with forgiveness in the past.  I also feel guilt that I know he's trying as well as he knows how to right now, and he's overcome a pretty pervasive addiction.  I try to be supportive, yet I don't feel like he supports me much, if at all.

I've tried all I can and I just feel depressed and anxious all the time - I feel like I can rarely be myself around him, and I've grown tired of all his false promises.  I barely want to have sex anymore, but it feels like that's mainly due to how little he seems to respect me or support me emotionally. I haven't played a musical instrument in 4 months now, even though I'm still in a band and we have an upcoming tour in April.  I just feel like I've lost....myself.

I've tried breaking up with him so many times I've lost count, and I feel that this relationship was doomed from the start.

So I guess that leaves me with just asking for advice. 
Is this relationship emotionally abusive?  Will he one day "fall off the wagon", get wasted,
and hurt me really bad?  Will he hurt me really bad even when sober if I try to end the relationship for good?
Will he EVER leave me alone if I break it off, or do I need to relocate?

Please help.  I'm lost...

« Last Edit: February 11, 2020, 04:40:57 PM by geekgirl505 »

February 12, 2020, 10:24:24 PM
Reply #1


Everything you describe sounds like he is a parasite who needs to be gotten rid of. You have not described one positive aspect throughout the entire time and it sounds as if you would be happier off alone and are looking for validation to do so. So do it. End it.

February 16, 2020, 12:48:35 PM
Reply #2


I agree with the first person to answer, it sounds very abusive for yourself and him, and you should cut him out of your life if you can.


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