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Author Topic: sex scandal that is leaving me torn

January 21, 2020, 08:10:00 PM
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So, my boyfriend has always promised to be honest with me, and he has. But, two days ago, he told me wanted to tell me something important because he felt he was hiding his characterp. He was very hesitant but he eventually told me he had sex with a girl a month before we were dating. Mind you, a girl which I have known since PRE-SCHOOL and have hated her guts since. Now, he didn't cheat on me but we were flirting and seeing eachother. AND on top of this, he dated her for two days, sooo you know.. to make having sex less bad. I remeber the first month we met, way before this scandal, and  he told me he wanted to change from being with ditzy girls because he only does it for validation and that he liked me over THE GIRL b/ I was authentic and made him want to be a better person etc etc so when I called him out for not following through on changing he told me, he felt confused and hurt that I decided to go to the dance with another guy. MIND YOU, 1. I told the guy we would go as friends 2. he asked me first. However,  I kind of get where he is coming from being confused b/ I was very unclear on how I felt, and still flirted. (I really liked him but was scared of telling him how much I did so I was unclear, no bad intentions) but I kind of get that. He also told me he felt incredibly lonely then too and he leaned on me so when I "seemed" unintrested by saying ok to the dance with a guy (who was a friend), he needed validation, and you know.. HAD SEX WITH A GIRL I DISLIKE IMMENSLY. Now, I hope my understanding through his perspective isn;t skewed but logical so I can forgive him for the act..BUT I just can't look at him normally. I look at him, and think HE HAD SEX WITH THAT GIRL. I'm grossed out, disgusted that he did it with HER. When I kiss him, I think those lips touched THE GIRL,  when I look at his eyes, I think HE SAW HER NAKED BODY, and when I look at his hands, I think those touched her boobs.. I really lost respect for him because I didn;t think he had that low of standards for girls. When he told me he wanted to change, I thought his ditzy girl face was in the past, not the present. BUT to have sex, to do it, with such a low-life is such a turn off to me.
However, we get along so well and our communication is incredible, he honeslty is the best friend that I have so I want to make his work, I want to forgive him because he is such an incredible person and is so smart and honest and patient, he makes me strive to be a better person. Is he reedamble? He says he wants a future with me, and he has upheld with his actions so far. PLEASE HELP

January 22, 2020, 03:17:01 PM
Reply #1


Hi, you pose a tough question but I understand your pain. Only yesterday I was reminded that men are motivated to love my sex, then thought and then emotion. Where women are emotion, thought then sex.
I think ever guy has made this low-ball kind of mistake just because we are all imperfect. If the mistake could be erased I am sure he would. I made a similar mistake during the early stages of my now 35 years relationship with my wife, and accidental two-timed her (I know!!) I have no idea how I was so stupid :(

1) Talk - have an emotional conversation about how you feel. Be kind with your words
2) Focus - choose to focus on something good, not the unpleasant pictures you described 
3) Hate - try not to hate anybody, it's a waste of emotional energy. Try pity instead
4) Decide to forgive - after the discussion decision to forgive and move on (or not) brace your heart for pain but be hopeful

Cupid loves a romantic heart.

Really hope this helps -  loveguru26 :)


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