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Author Topic: Please help

June 26, 2019, 03:51:21 PM
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Butterfliesblue


This is a long post but I would love some advice from people who don’t know me. A brief history first before my problem. I was in a relationship for 8 years with my then fiancé. I found out very late into the relationship (5 years) that he liked to take cocaine on occasion. I didn’t like it as I’ve never taken it before so I asked him to stop. He always tried to hide it from me. I rarely questioned him deciding to leave it alone. The relationship ended as I wasn’t happy about that and other things. I moved on 7 months later. I was with this man for 5 years. I’d been with him for just under 2 years when he went on a night out with his friends. He told me he’d be home early (we’d been living together for only 20 days) but he didn’t come in until 3am. When he got home he looked different. He ran to the toilet to throw up and left his phone on the bed. I’d never been tempted to check his phone before but something told me to. I found texts between him and another women. The last text basically told this girl to go meet him for a romp. I was devastated. I noticed when he came back from the toilet that he had what looked like glitter on his nostrils. The next day I went to work and about 3 hours into my shift he text telling me that he’d been stupid and cheated on me. I went home distraught. He came home 30min after me. I cried and asked him what happened. He told me he kissed her and that was it (that turned out to be bullshit I found out he’d slept with her when we broke up and he’d also cheated on me numerous times). I then questioned the glitter on his nose. He confessed he’d taken cocaine. Stupidly I gave him another chance. A few months later he admitted he had a problem with prescription drugs. Tramadol mainly which he was buying from a dealer. I took him to the doctors and got him help. A year and a half later the relationship was good and I found I was pregnant with a little girl but also found out at 23 weeks pregnant that she was terminally ill. I lost her a week later. Grief took over. I suffered with depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. I had shingles twice in the months following her death. 4 months later I was pregnant again. A difficult pregnancy as it was full of risks. It was a very stressful time. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I often found myself doing a lot of the parenting on my own. He didn’t help. Stressed I developed shingles at least 3 times before my sons first birthday. My son was 1 1/2 when my partner told me he was leaving me and admitted he’d been having an affair for months behind my back. Leaving me homeless and with hardly any money. Shingles started appearing again with the stress. I got a home and a new job and started doing the single parent thing and was doing it very well. I found I didn’t need anyone else to help me. 3 months after he left, I bumped into an old friend on the bus on my way home from work and we found out we lived very close to each other. He started helping me in my new flat with bits of DIY and he started coming over for a cuppa every week. 7 months later we were a couple. Things are different with him. We’ve known each other 7 years and we already knew everything about each other. Or at least I thought we did. The relationship started in May last year. 7 months went by and we were blissfully happy. Very much in love. I felt like I had the best boyfriend ever. He was attentive and spent lots of time with me and treat my son as his own. Then silly things started to happen. He was getting stupidly drunk and doing worrying and silly things. Falling asleep in random people’s gardens and weeing in strange places in the house. He wasn’t living with me but on weekends he would. We had the conversation that I wouldn’t put up with that and he had to stop going out as much. Things went back to being good. Then I had suspicions. Suspicions that that poison was back in my life with yet another partner. It was very hard to tell with him though. I needed proof. He left his phone unlocked so I checked it when he was asleep and there it was. Texts to his friends about getting some cocaine. Devastated and frightened I didn’t know what to do or how to confront him. I ended up telling a friend and she warned him behind my back that I knew. A few days later I finally had the courage to speak up. He was angry and turned it around on me. Saying that I shouldn’t have gone through his phone. We eventually talked properly and I told him he had to promise he wouldn’t do it ever again. I have my son to think of. He told me that we were what he wanted in life and that he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise us again. I had shingles again so my doctor decided I needed blood tests to rule out anything else which could be more serious. We went back to normal again for a while but there were a few times I was suspicious. I didn’t act on them as I told myself I had to trust him. Once the trust is gone it doesn’t work. I knew from experience. My doctor phoned me with test results. The rashes and blisters I was getting on my thigh and back wasn’t shingles. It was herpes. Mortified I booked and appt to find out more. They asked if I’d ever had it “down there” I said no because I haven’t. I’ve always had it on my back or thigh. They said that this kind of herpes is almost always passed on through sexual contact. I’ve been with 3 men in my life and it was obvious which one had given me it. I didn’t know what to do. They told me I should tell my partner although it was very unlikely it would pass to him. I still haven’t told him 4 months on and we still use condoms. He would definitely leave me. I’ve heard his friends talking about one of their friends who has it and they call him dirty. I’ve kept this secret because I don’t want it to end. But Then there was a weekend about 2 months ago where he didn’t go out at all. He stayed in with me. The Sunday I woke up to blood on my bedsheets and on the carpet. I asked what had happened and he said he’d had a nosebleed. I knew. I was furious. Again he left his phone unlocked and I checked it. A text to his mate asking for a deal and then saying about the nosebleed and how he couldn’t believe he’d got away with hiding it from me and how he couldn’t believe I’d not sussed. I sat and cried and shaked my anxiety through the roof. How could this bloke who I loved and who treat me and my son so well be lying to me again?! I confronted him on it after going to my doctors for medication I haven’t had in years. Antidepressants and anxiety meds. But I didn’t tell him I looked at his phone. I wanted to see if he’d admit it. Sure enough the lied to my face. Telling me I was paranoid and that he loved me. I then told him the truth. I told him I looked at his phone. He was again very VERY angry. I said I wouldn’t apologise as he was lying to me. He said he was sorry and begged me not to finish it. I kicked him out. For 4 days he stayed in hotels. He came back after 4 days telling me he was in the wrong and that he wouldn’t go out anymore. I told him if he lies to me again I will end things and he would not come back. For 7 weeks things have been perfect and he’s even proposed! He bought me a beautiful ring and told me that he wants me and my son forever. He wants to marry me and that’s all he wants. I made a promise to myself that I would try to trust him. Letting him go out but only for a few hours. Things were going sooo well. Then my son became very ill. I’ve been in hospital with him for a few weeks. He’s on the mend now. But my boyfriend has been left to his own devices. We came home on Monday. He left his phone unlocked when he was asleep. The temptation was there. I looked. Texts off his mate from Saturday night when we were all out together whilst his dad stayed with my son in hospital asking him to go to the dealers. His reply “can’t when she’s with me”. Then another from Monday night his mate asking him to go out and him saying “she’s on one tonight I dare not ask. I can’t be arsed with her in this mood. She’s a nightmare”. I was “on one” because my son has been dangerously ill. We’d just got home and I’m still worried about him. Watching everything he’s doing. Checking his temp. I’ve had hardly any sleep for 2 weeks. I’ve been emotionally and physically drained. I think I have a right to feel that way. I’m hurt by his messages and now I’m wondering if I’m with the right man after all? He is a fantastic person and partner when he is here. He’ll do anything for me and my son and all we do is laugh. This is the best relationship I’ve been in. But he seems to think less of me. And he seems to want the best of both worlds. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being an idiot. I’m not a paranoid person but I’m still checking his phone because I know he’ll lie about things!!  Is he walking all over me or am I being too much of a prude? Should I ignore what he does if it’s once in a while or do I have every right to feel so strongly about him not doing it at all? Please help with some advice. No nastiness please. I’m on the end of my tether with nobody to talk to.

June 26, 2019, 09:21:55 PM
Reply #1
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millylovehim


Leave him! You and your son deserve much better. He cannot say that you are the one and turn around and tell his friends that you're a nightmare, or he cant go out because of you. He knows he shouldn't go do what he is doing, but he is continuing it behind your back. If he does it now, he will do it when you are married. Please leave this situation while you can, for you and your son's sake, you deserve much better. You deserve happiness all the time. 

July 02, 2019, 07:15:15 AM
Reply #2
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Lostinthesupermarket


Dear I am so very sorry for this situation you’re going through. I think you’re setting yourself up for more heartache by attaching yourself to this guy. You and your son deserve someone who isn’t going to lie to you and treat you like the queen you are! He’s always going to choose drugs over you and your son and you don’t want to live a life like that. It’s hardest to end relationships that are going well and you think that they’re everything you want but in reality this guy is lying to you and putting your mental health at risk. You deserve someone who is going to treat you and your son with the utmost respect and not endanger your well being with drugs. I’m a single mom of two young kids myself and, as I’m sure you do, I want to teach them how to be in a healthy relationship. I think about what kind of partners they will be when they grow up and what kind of behavior I want to show them.
Furthermore, almost all of the worlds population has HPV - you are not dirty or a slut or any of that garbage so don’t give power to any of that noise.
YOU ARE A QUEEN! Don’t let any man trample your crown cause he’s a garbage human! Please know your worth and don’t let anyone take it away from you! You owe it yourself and your son!