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Author Topic: please help, long story

December 30, 2019, 02:02:03 AM
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puppy_kong252


im going through a rough situation with my now ex...and i just want outside advice on what you think his actions could really mean, and help me realize whether or not im deluding myself.
to start, ive been in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years. they were great! we both lived w our parents, were in our early twenties(he is 4 years older), and i consider this my first real relationship, i.e. first person ive considered spending the rest of my life with. ive only had 3 boyfriends before hand(2 long distance, one lasting 2 years, and one local that lasted 2 months). he is the first man ive ever had sex with....i lost my virginity to him, which means a lot to me personally. we met at work, and have mutual friends at my former workplace(i had to leave because he and my sister became head management). he and my sister are still coworkers. ill touch on that again later.
but it all really started about a year ago from now. i lost my job at that work place, because of the aforementioned promotions. i have quite a few medical issues. diabetes, graves disease, depression, anxiety are the big ones. anyways, i lost my job in january. got a new job in may, at a gas station a couple blocks down my street. he bought a house in july. one of his conditions for me moving in was i had to get a car....which i wasnt 100% comfortable with, as my frail health AND my diabetes make driving difficult and dangerous for me. but i thought it was fair, as i didnt exactly want to expect him to drive me to and from a job.
so i started saving for a car. in october, someone had an overdose at the gas station while i was working. it was actually really traumatizing, and that coupled with the sexual harassment, disgusting messes and shitty managerial attitude made me quit in the beginning of november. so i have been jobless for two months now. i did not find a new job before quitting, as i have plenty of money saved up and thought that it wouldnt be affecting anyone. i now realize that was pretty irresponsible of me...
so aside from that. a bit before i started that job, my ex and i started having some problems...nothing really noticeable at first. but little things. i very much need physical affection, but that is not his preferred method of love all the time. he says his way of showing love is by spending time with me...which i will get back to.  but we started bickering more often, having more disagreements and getting generally annoyed and frustrated at each other. but we kind of tried to make it work....by saying we would get better but not figuring out the steps to take to actually get better. i tried to be less clingy. i constantly wanted to spend time with him, and got upset when he did not want to spend time with me. so i said i would try and be less clingy, but again, i didnt think of an actual plan to accomplish that goal. i just tried to stop having those feelings and got upset and the BOTH of us when i couldnt-him for not wanting to spend more time with me, and myself for being too clingy.
that was our biggest problem, i believe. then the stress of the house started getting to him, as this was his first home and first time living alone. i think the fact that i wasnt proactive enough to find a job and move in with him upset him...but at the time, he had been saying he wanted to find out how to survive on his own, without any outside help. so i think i took that for granted and was too lazy about getting a job.
i was there when we were picking out the house...the plan was i would move in when i was ready. we agreed on a house. agreed on a setup. he started doing things without me....i got upset, because i think i thought that was him not trying to include me...not purposefully excluding me. but not putting effort into including me.
so our feelings of resentment for each other grew,,,but i think we still loved each other. or at least, i know for a fact i still loved him. i still do.
a month and a half ago, he said we needed a break. it hurt, but we went a week without much contact...i messaged him once halfway through to see how he was doing, then again at the end to see if he was ready to talk again. it was then that he started saying things...and i outright asked him if he wanted to break up with me.
he said yes, that he wasnt who wanted to be, that he needed time to find himself. i of course got upset. told him it was bullshit to try and do this over text. i told him to come to my house a few days later. we walked around my neighborhood and talked and talked and talked. we ended up in his car. he said he was still physically, sexually even emotionally attracted to me, but that his emotions in general(like with everything) werent there. i feel like depression was really hurting him, and he didnt do anything to try and help himself. but im not sure if im just making excuses for him...so he said he wanted to still be friends. i said no. i couldnt be friends with someone i was still in love with. that was too painful for me. i told him he needed to tell me if this was goodbye or not. he got teary eyed(he never cries) and ended up saying no, he still wanted to be with me. said he wanted nothing more at that moment than to take me to his house and have great make up sex, but that i had to get my act together. find a job. take better care of my health. get a car. i said yes, of course. we went back to his house, had sex. i started crying because he said he had asked about how i was doing to my sister a few times. he said that he did miss me at times. he missed our calls on his way home from work, and other stuff i cant remember. we stopped having sex and went downstairs, where he played his new game and i watched him. we talked a lot about it, about the mythology of the series and he explained a bunch of things about how it all worked. im an avid gamer myself, but we have different tastes.
he took me home. i felt relieved. i started to really let myself trust that he loved me, cared for me and wanted to be with me. but he started getting more distant. we hung out a couple times. i asked him if he really wanted to, and he insisted he did...but without actually saying it? it was more that he replied with emojis, haha.
two weeks after, i asked him if we could hang out the upcoming weekend. i suggested a sleepover, but only if he was ready for it. id been working on myself a LOT. eating better, avidly searching for jobs, trying to not depend on him for happiness and instead rely on myself. he said he wasnt ready for a sleepover yet. i asked him if i was doing anything wrong, telling him i just missed him a lot etc etc. then he replied with something along the lines of 'thats the problem. i dont miss you.' i asked him AGAIN, VIA TEXT, if he wanted to break up with me and he said yes. i called him,, told him that was bullshit and that he needed to come over that night and 'be a fucking man about it'. so he did. he came over that night. i told him he had to say the words, and he did. went inside and cried for hours...
that was on friday. that sunday i went and got all my stuff from his house. he got it all gathered. but he also had his friends over watching a movie, while i went in and got my stuff. so that was incredibly shitty. i told him we needed to talk, so we went on the back porch and talked. he said that he hopes hes making a huge mistake, that hell probably end up drunkenly calling me in a few months. i told him to please do. that id still be around. that i still love him. i asked him if he cared about me. he said he never stopped. and then i went out to drinks with my mother/sister/friend. my sister showed me a tweet from him, from the night before. it referenced that he broke up with his gf, then went on snap chat and got a trojan condoms filter. with the hashtag #destinyhasspoken
my heart shattered, honestly. the bartender even gave me free shots, i was that pathetic. i messaged him the next day, telling him to tell the truth and asking if the night id gotten my things was a lie. he replied simply with 'wasnt a lie'.

i talked to my therapist about this...she says that with the men shes treated over the years, she doesnt think he would have taken me back if he didnt have feelings for me, that thats not a thing a guy would usually do. i showed her the tweet, asking her if she thought it was just a stupid coping mechanism(which when i calmed down, is what i kinda thought it was). she said yeah, she doesnt see it as something too serious. and she talked me through the stages of grief, and said that whether we end up back together or not, what was probably best for us right now was distance so we could work on ourselves. i asked her what i could do to make it more likely to happen, and she said to just focus on myself.

its been a month. this was a completely 1 sided break up, and he did it in such a shitty way and my heart physically hurts so fucking bad. i cant stop thinking about him even though i try to. i think i have a gut feeling that well work it out, but im scared im just deluding myself. i miss him so much. i genuinely miss HIM, not the fact that i wasnt alone etc.
we have a huge pokemon card collection....probably spent bout a thousand dollars. lots of ultra rare cards. it was always fun for us to get the newest box when it came out. i still have them all, and he hasnt mentioned them at all. im close to getting a job now. ill hopefull have one by mid january. i was thinking of, when i got m first paycheck, purchasing the newest box of cards and asking him out for a drink. and then asking if we could open it together. but i dont know if thats just stupid.
it just hurts not being sure if he was being truthful. i have many people telling me different things. im scared for the relatioship to end, and for him to just...actually, really stop loving me. i love him so much. it hurts so bad.
would he really have done all that if he didn't have feelings for me? even if he didn't want to be the bad guy, would he have gone through that much effort?
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 11:45:43 AM by puppy_kong252 »

January 01, 2020, 03:41:51 PM
Reply #1
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bigcasino75


I know it hurts a lot but your therapist is right. work on yourself for now. don't contact him!  You have to wait until you are coming from a place that isn't so needed now before you can reach out.  Don't put your life on hold, go out, have fun, meet new people and don't be afraid to date when the time is right for you.  Since he is the one to end things he has to be the one to come back, but make sure he comes back on your terms not his.

March 07, 2020, 12:59:33 AM
Reply #2
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samsome369


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)

http://back.ly/Ay4dc

wish you have a great future with your loved one.

March 07, 2020, 01:00:58 AM
Reply #3
Offline

samsome369


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)

http://back.ly/Ay4dc

wish you have a great future with your loved one.

May 31, 2020, 06:30:26 PM
Reply #4
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kocainviser


check out the site for Ecstacy, opioids and stimulants

https://kocaineviser.com/

 

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