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Author Topic: Never Thought this would be me.

May 01, 2019, 10:06:22 PM
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NotaBella


I am happily married, 30 yrs old, we have been together 10 years. No kids.

We communicate well, we joke around. He is my best friend. He would do, and does, everything in the world and under the sun for me. I could not ask for a better person, partner, or love.

Like any relationship we have our issues. He is very controlling, he strongly disapproves of bar's and I am not allowed to make friends with men (which is understandable). I get guilt trips for hanging out with my 1 and only gal pal, and then he asks why he cant join. There are things I cant tell him or talk to him about for fear of judgement.

I have been the bad guy in the relationship though. I have lied, manipulated, and broken his heart before. He does not fail to bring it up and remind me of these long past mistakes of mine. I want to start a Family in the next 2-3 yrs, he wants to wait 5 or more before beginning.

He reminds me he has very valid reasoning to be controlling. I am very forgetful, i forget to finish laundry, do the cat box, etc... I work full time and he does not work at all, he goes to school, and loves to remind me that when rolls are switched I better be ready to pick up the cleaning and cooking. Then proceeds to lecture me for 2-3 hours like a 7yr old child about chores and being an adult.

Recently I have realized I have feelings for someone at work. They are carefree and we have already had some discussions. Anytime I talk about my personal relationship to anyone (not just the other guy) they wonder why I deal with it. I realize if my marriage comes to an end, it needs be for me, and not because I have feelings for someone else. But my feeling for this Other person is what made me start thinking this.

I really do not want till 35 to have my first kid. I don't know if its healthy to continue to have the past held over me like this, or get a guilt trip for wanting Gal time just me and her. I do not want to continue to get lectured like a child, or made to feel incompetent for being forgetful.

I keep reminding myself i should be grateful for the amazing relationship I have. Or maybe I am just comfortable? Or maybe my feelings for this other person is 100% the only reason I have these doubts? does that mean they are wrong?

Please help.

May 02, 2019, 03:33:59 PM
Reply #1
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AnnieW


The man does not work and is very controlling but tells you it is all for reason and you agree, meaning you believe his mind-set for you. You feel crummy about yourself and the relationship and remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities about this man and do so to stay in the relationship hoping it will all work out. Do I understand correctly?

My two cents here. He has issues. He knows what he has to do to keep you but he doesn't know how to treat you. He wants control over you which you are submitting to to keep peace with him. You say there is a man at work that you are interested in. Your interest in another man is telling you that this man you are with is not meeting your emotional needs. As much as this might hurt, my thoughts are to throw the jobless man to the curb and move on. When you do then you will know whether this other man look s appealing.

May 03, 2019, 10:17:27 AM
Reply #2
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W_Amadeus_M


Hey!

He is controlling You. It's not Your fold, but his.
He might be clingy, not self-confident. I think You already understood everything and just need someone to say, "Yes, You are right!"
Everyone is human and can forget stuff. Who the f*ck cares as long as no one get hurt^^
Everyone needs alone time (friend time), this is how we recharge. When we are recharged we can give love. When we give love we receive it even more back. He is only taking, because he is long empty himself.

I have two things to say to You:
1. It doesn't seem like he loves himself. How can he love You, if he doesn't love himself.
2. In situations like this I suggest going for 2nd guy, because if You truly loved the 1st one, there would not been 2nd.

Talk to Your husband. Tell him that controlling and being jolly and mad about stuff that happened long ago is stupid and You can't build family with such trust issues. No matter 2 or 20 years later. 10 years together is a lot of time. If he can't forgive You think there is no unconditional love as well.

Be honest with Yourself first. Then be honest with him.
Give him a chance, but there is no one more important in this world then You.

Also, what is the alternative. You are stuck with a guy who is not making You happy. Would make Your kids unhappy. Scolds everyone. Controls every step of Your family. Sounds like start of domestic abuse. Sorry.

Good luck!


Best regards,
W.A.M.

May 03, 2019, 09:03:18 PM
Reply #3
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NotaBella


I really appreciate all of the feedback

Please know my Husband is a very good man. Though he does not work he does cook and (kinda) clean. He waits on me hand and foot and treats me like royalty. He is amazing to me. He is going to school full time and doing well so that when he graduates - I will not have to work.

But I do keep coming back to the fact that the little "lectures" he gives me are irritating, and the rigmarole of just sitting there quiet while he nags at me for this, or that, for 2 hours. When he has friends over I am mandated to be around it, even thought I do not want to. If I am not there I get a guilt trip for not wanting to be there.

I want to be able to go to a bar with my 1 gal pal, maybe make more. but "bars are not a place for married women".and I get an inquisition anytime I hang out with her.

I have talked to him about controlling he is. And every time he comes up with very valid reasoning (that I can never hope to argue with) and I always find him in the right. I still feel like the bad guy right now, because everything he does, is for me - to provide for me and make me happy. And I am Happy, or I thought I was until I met this other person. I did not have doubts until this new guy came into my life. I feel maybe my infatuation is clouding my judgement and my feelings.

You have both given me a lot to think about - and I greatly appreciate you.