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Author Topic: my husband has an emotional affair with an ex-gf, unsure about its extent

May 23, 2019, 09:51:45 PM
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I am looking for advices to get a big picture of the situation.
Married for 15 years, we are a bi-cultural couple living in his country.
We both have heavy baggages from the past that we talked about.
We loved each other deeply, but our relation has always been a roller coaster, with mostly lows.

Five years ago, tensions and resentments were too much and I pushed to have my own space in our apartment, and moved into my own room.
For two years we lived under the same roof, but as roommates. We both have been dealing with bouts of depression that impacted our relationship. I needed distance to focus on myself.

Here is where his ex girlfriend enters the story. After two years of emotional separation, no sex or real intimacy, I learned from him that his ex-gf will be in town soon and will go for a walk together. I suddenly realized that I was very much still in love with him and that my marriage was in immediate danger, even tho we were still separated emotionally, we had several check-ins talks during this period which lead me to think that he was not seeing anyone, or her particularly and that he was giving himself time to figure out what to do about our marriage,I was saying the same thing, there were a status quo.

My jealousy awaken me, for the past two years i had been dealing with personal issues that interfered in many aspects of my life, as well my marriage and I graw from it, learned a lot about myself.

I do believe they are having an emotional affair for years, very sporadic, sometimes not contacting each other for months, may be years???
They dated for 3 years in their early twenties ( 22 years ago) , had a passionate affair, i don't know much more.
I know that he recontacted her 8 years ago, then no informations until three years ago when we got back together, my jealousy triggered, I seduced him again when i heard from him they were in contact, at that time she was not living in our city, she does now.
From informations that i found (a letter from her dated from three years ago ) she said to be frustrated as she thought he was gonna abandon his unhappy marriage for her), the letter doesn't give enough details to find out if they were actively involved, wether emotionally only or also physically? if it was only a fantasy from her mind ? They are still in contact , i don't know much of which extent...at least through texts.

fast forward to present time, our couple has been through more than a year, a sexual revival, that has help us to reconnect on an intimate level that we had lost for year. At the same time, I was also dealing with many others things in my life, sick parents, distressed sibling, personal issues, dealing with work and going back to school,  parenting, and personal health issues, just to say i had a lot on my mind.

My husband often complained that I had no time for him, that he felt push away, unable to express his feelings without me misunderstanding them...so I made a real effort at understanding him, and realize I had a huge part to it. He is a sensitive man, passionate, who needs deep connection with his soul mate. My behavior toward him all those years, focused on myself, depressed, not paying attention to his needs, laid us to our separation five years ago. We have both been working deeply for years on our relationship, on our own. We have an extraordinary sexual attraction, but i am still very much anxious, overly aware that I need to be careful not to let my guard down, to be here for my man, because this other woman seems to be ready at anytime to have him back.

I have seen a few texts exchanges they had over the last year, nothing to prove they have a real affair, but a lot of ambiguity. The ex-gf stated a month ago in a text that she was confused about wether they were gonna have sex or be together again..... is she talking about their relation 22 years ago or  a closest one, like 5 years ago or even still on going ? is she fantasizing in her head ?
My husband texted her four months a picture of a naked woman, not too explicit, but asking if she has a twin ? so flirty...

I found out three days ago about those new infos, that they were still in contact and that she is still in love with him. She also now is back living in our city.
I don't want to spy on him, i did it one time and i feel bad, but i am the type of person who needs to know whats going on, so i can analyse and rationalise it, thats what i am trying to do now. Internally, i am very jealous and obsessed with her, it is consuming me. I will not confront my husband, but i need to know the extend of their relation, so i can decide how to act.

I love him very much, and I am willing to keep working on me and our relation, to be there for him, emotionally. In another text from months ago he told her that the she was the person he had the best conversation with...  Something tells me he can talk to her in a way he can`t with me, I am trying to understand my part into it. I now worry that every time my husband will feel a bit left out, for whatever reason he will continue to reach out to her, it hurts as i don't think i can be available the way he needs all the time.

A male friend shared his perspective when i told him about it, and think that my husband, feeling left out for so long, keep contacted her to reassured himself when our relation is shaky, it doesn't mean he loves her or want to have a sexual affair. She is his crutch when his soul and emotional needs unmet for too long. I have to be here emotionally for him, be connected intimately to help him getting the ex-gf out of his live. what do you think ?
« Last Edit: May 23, 2019, 11:42:26 PM by matahari »


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