Good morning.

Right, can you guys please give me some advice as to what the heck I do?

When me and my Husband first paired up, we had amazing sex. Our relationship is like a highly charged Love/Hate one where we fight then make up. We temporarily split in 2014 due to arguments then got back together towards the end of 2014.

In 2015 I had a miscarriage and I think for both of us it did a lot of damage to our sex life. I still needed it to feel like a normal functioning woman and he wouldn’t because he feared getting me pregnant again (we don’t use condoms because I’m not keen on them) and my Implant had failed before I miscarried.

But now he tells me that he’s not interested in sex anymore and it just feels like for the past 4 years (since) the miscarriage he comes out with excuse after excuse after excuse.

It could be that the sky isn’t dark enough, he goes off sex after he’s been in a solid relationship for X2 years, he feels ill, only violent things turn him on (which he won’t even discuss with me despite us both liking Edge Play and BDSM.)

He once made an offer that he’d (as I call it: “Help Me Out”) and that included a bit of playing just not full on sex, such as clit licking, fingering, dildo-play, nipple-sucking - that sort of thing. Now he has completely retracted what he always said he’d do.

He knows I have a high sex drive and he says that I should distract myself with other tasks - even though it’s HIS sexual disfunction!

He barely gives me any affection, not enough to make me feel wanted anyway. I tell him a lot that he’s doing good (and he then somehow twists that into that I’ve apparently said he’s done brilliant, when in reality - EVERY TIME I literally just say that he’s doing good and to carry on getting better (in the bloody hope he will provide more than just what he does!)

I have to repeatedly ask him to call me ‘Babe’ or ‘Baby’ and he does it maybe two-three times in a day, twice-a-week if I am lucky. Whereas I call him ‘Baby’ ALL THE TIME and he just refuses to reciprocate!

In-fact, it’s that rare that when he DOES call me that word, I verbally express it because it shocks me that he’s said it. I don’t say it to mock him but I just want him to use it in everyday language (like I do) and he won’t even teach himself so that it rolls off the tongue.

Fair enough, he calls me ‘sweetheart’ but I want to be called ‘Babe’ too!

I do things for him that he doesn’t appreciate and he constantly tells me ‘I didn’t ask you to do that for me’ or ‘You weren’t forced to’ and the exact feeling is mutual on a lot of the stuff he does for me that he expects me to appreciate!

I genuinely only want him to do a few things for me that I’ve constantly asked for over and over - sex and an abundance of affection.

Not sex once a week and a crap amount of affection that he thinks is brilliant effort making.

I don’t want to have to be the one to go on at him but if he’d just make a bloody effort in the areas I specifically ask for then life would be a lot different.

What do I do?

Thank you in advance.
Lin. x

similar situatiin but worst. my husband has admited he doesnot want to have sex with me. going on the 6 month mark now

I agree with above, the toy should not be a replacement for sex. It should be a tool to spice up your sex life. Unfortunately it sounds like it happens often that people loses interests on each other in a long term relationship and will have less sex. I am in the same situation where I only have sex once a month for the past year or so. Bear in mind, I am only 29! I am losing interest and so is he...

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I'm in the same situation, so I can completely emphasise

Hello Peggy, I'm in a similar position but I'm wondering where I/we could find a male perspective on the lack of intimacy?

Could he have performance anxiety? If there’s physical problems it could be embarrassing for him to even talk about.

Does he like sex at night or early morning? Testosterone builds during the night so mornings are better. Do you sleep in the same bed? Sometimes the mood will strike but if you’re not handy, he might get handy with himself bc it’s easier.

I’ve had issues like this. I’ve struggled and now my libido is in hibernation or has passed away. When I tried to work on it, it just started fights. I got many excuses. So, I feel you.

Like the reply above, working on you is a big thing, it takes two to be in a relationship but it can take one to make the positive change because he will respond naturally to your good and happy energy.

But a couple of things I can definitely suggest is one - Write a letter, writing a letter means you really take the time to think about your words and if you need to, look up how to word things right, you don't want to be accusing or attacking him, you just want to let him know that your feelings are hurt and that there are solutions. What I included in my letter (That ended up being pages and pages long but hey, it worked) was that I simply couldn't be in a sexless relationship, I was careful not to use words that would make it sound like a threat, that's horrible and toxic, however it's very reasonable to put your cards down on the table and say what you need out of a relationship, this is your life we're talking about anyway. What's also important is to include that you want to know what he wants so you can keep him happy too, maybe he wants space, in which case, give it to him, might do you some good too.

Also, his reason may be something very personal and might hurt his pride, if it's performing anxiety, which my other half has too, then you must be supportive and take the reins a bit which you probably already do if you're trying everything.

Another thing is Lingerie !!
I love lingerie, it's so fun! I know part of all of this is that we want our man to want us, we want them to have that crazy sexual hunger but sometimes for many reasons, their minds just aren't there and there's nothing wrong with showing them the way. Maybe one evening, before he's home from work or whatever, make a nice dinner with candles and all that cheesey romantic stuff, dress in something naughty, pour a couple of glasses of wine, surely he can't ignore such a hint, tell him you miss him and just want to let off some steam and do the one thing that separates your relationship with a normal friendship.

However, just like another reply I've seen here, maybe you do need to rekindle the friendship side, you need to be able to laugh together and be relaxed, otherwise sex is just scary and puts pressure on the one who has the issue

I agree about the Lingerie.  Most men I know like to have a little mystery.  Sex ingerie and black over the knee boots would turn my husband on.  It's important to determine what he likes more than what you like.  An honest conversation centered on what he would like to have rather than rules about what you would like might help.  I believe that men are naturally selfish and want women to fulfill their needs, sometimes without much thought as to what women want.  This is a process starting with him.

If he's afraid of your getting pregnant, there are other methods you can use other than the ones you mentioned.  He may believe that you are trying to trick him and get pregnant.

Good luck.

Loss of sexual interest with time is normal but certain factors can accelerate this, I won't disagree its a good idea to visit a therapist when things aren't going well but sometimes that can be a little demeaning when it comes to men, talking about sex with a 3rd party isn't always very encouraging to us and sometimes it might even take away the drive. sometimes, it's just the general stuff that helps, like addressing issues taking up most of his attention, that might be work, how is he doing at work, does he sound disappointed then focus on working on that, encouraging him and making him feel better, it's a process but it works.
I agree with 4fun, speaking out helps, you can talk these things out, remind him that its one of the things needed to maintain a healthy relationship/marriage, discuss how the two of you can work on it /improve it, tell him its something that you love doing.

Hello! You have a very difficult relationship! It seems to me that you are very picky. Try to relax. Or find yourself a partner at a time. This can be easily done at https://www.blackwink.com/interracial-chat.html. There you can meet people with similar problems and want to meet 1 time.