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Author Topic: My Husband Gives Me Very Little Affection And Sex

May 27, 2019, 09:49:28 PM
Read 3669 times


Good morning.

Right, can you guys please give me some advice as to what the heck I do?

When me and my Husband first paired up, we had amazing sex. Our relationship is like a highly charged Love/Hate one where we fight then make up. We temporarily split in 2014 due to arguments then got back together towards the end of 2014.

In 2015 I had a miscarriage and I think for both of us it did a lot of damage to our sex life. I still needed it to feel like a normal functioning woman and he wouldn’t because he feared getting me pregnant again (we don’t use condoms because I’m not keen on them) and my Implant had failed before I miscarried.

But now he tells me that he’s not interested in sex anymore and it just feels like for the past 4 years (since) the miscarriage he comes out with excuse after excuse after excuse.

It could be that the sky isn’t dark enough, he goes off sex after he’s been in a solid relationship for X2 years, he feels ill, only violent things turn him on (which he won’t even discuss with me despite us both liking Edge Play and BDSM.)

He once made an offer that he’d (as I call it: “Help Me Out”) and that included a bit of playing just not full on sex, such as clit licking, fingering, dildo-play, nipple-sucking - that sort of thing. Now he has completely retracted what he always said he’d do.

He knows I have a high sex drive and he says that I should distract myself with other tasks - even though it’s HIS sexual disfunction!

He barely gives me any affection, not enough to make me feel wanted anyway. I tell him a lot that he’s doing good (and he then somehow twists that into that I’ve apparently said he’s done brilliant, when in reality - EVERY TIME I literally just say that he’s doing good and to carry on getting better (in the bloody hope he will provide more than just what he does!)

I have to repeatedly ask him to call me ‘Babe’ or ‘Baby’ and he does it maybe two-three times in a day, twice-a-week if I am lucky. Whereas I call him ‘Baby’ ALL THE TIME and he just refuses to reciprocate!

In-fact, it’s that rare that when he DOES call me that word, I verbally express it because it shocks me that he’s said it. I don’t say it to mock him but I just want him to use it in everyday language (like I do) and he won’t even teach himself so that it rolls off the tongue.

Fair enough, he calls me ‘sweetheart’ but I want to be called ‘Babe’ too!

I do things for him that he doesn’t appreciate and he constantly tells me ‘I didn’t ask you to do that for me’ or ‘You weren’t forced to’ and the exact feeling is mutual on a lot of the stuff he does for me that he expects me to appreciate!

I genuinely only want him to do a few things for me that I’ve constantly asked for over and over - sex and an abundance of affection.

Not sex once a week and a crap amount of affection that he thinks is brilliant effort making.

I don’t want to have to be the one to go on at him but if he’d just make a bloody effort in the areas I specifically ask for then life would be a lot different.

What do I do?

Thank you in advance.
Lin. x

May 30, 2019, 10:58:04 AM
Reply #1


Unfortunately, I deal with a similar situation. I've tried talking to him, we've tried couples therapy, etc. Nothing has really changed it. We just came to the conclusion that we just have differing sex drives. He doesn't want or need as much love/affection/attention/sex than I do.

June 01, 2019, 02:03:23 AM
Reply #2


similar situatiin but worst. my husband has admited he doesnot want to have sex with me. going on the 6 month mark now

October 16, 2019, 09:43:58 PM
Reply #3


I am struggling with something similar. I will say though I think in this situation you may be pushing for too much. Honestly I think demanding he change the way he speaks and shoehorning a nickname you choose in his vocabulary is not healthy. That’s not affectionate. It’s just submissive demand. Pet names should come from him. I think your just driving in a wedge with that. I will say I myself drew a line in the sand that goodnights and I love yous should be a bed time ritual. Intimacy should be acknowledged as couples go to sleep together. Also I understand the high sex drive but weekly sex is actually a healthy normal amount of sex and pretty good for a couple that has been together that long. Instead of being angry at him for not keeping up with your high sex drive. Maybe you could ask him help you by involving himself in toy play during the between times. I did this myself because my guy was only sleeping with me once or twice a month and it was only enough to get me warmed up and he’d be done and roll over. Meanwhile I cannot sleep and am developing restless bladder and minstrel issues because I am insanely horny all the time  without any real release. I try solo play but it doesn’t really get me there I need the connection with him. So I decided enough is enough. I know my sex drive is too much to keep up with but he is on 0mph and it’s punishing my body. This made sense to him and he agreed he could help. He even bought a toy I though would be comfortable and easy for him to use on me. But then he just stopped having the sex he was willing to have and uses the toy at that same rate and only if I’ve gotten upset recently and I’m the one to pull it out. Even then he doesn’t show any enthusiasm while doing it. Logically this should have saved us some trouble and found a middle ground. It’s gotten to the point I don’t even want to get the toy out because if he doesn’t decide to help then I’m hurt and all I can think about is that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. Or he will help but he will be dead silent stiff and behave like it’s a chore. I’ve had the man spend 10mins only using the tip of his fingers to penetrate me. If that’s all he is gonna use he needs to figure out how to locate my clit and use it there. Like a teenager on cleaning duty at their first job. Not focused and not giving a crap. I actually had to chew him out because he had earbuds in and was listening to last podcast on the left while fingering me. Literally what he listens to when doing the dishes. It’s his chore ritual... I’ve had the hardest time stressing to him the point is that he needs to be part of it. He needs to focus on it. To moan and talk dirty. The connection is needed. So if you do try to do the toy route. You need to stress this is not instead of sex. It’s between sex and he needs to understand he is part of it and needs to be engaged in the moment with you.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 09:49:29 PM by Murough »

October 22, 2019, 12:03:51 AM
Reply #4


I agree with above, the toy should not be a replacement for sex. It should be a tool to spice up your sex life. Unfortunately it sounds like it happens often that people loses interests on each other in a long term relationship and will have less sex. I am in the same situation where I only have sex once a month for the past year or so. Bear in mind, I am only 29! I am losing interest and so is he...

October 22, 2019, 01:31:41 AM
Reply #5



my suggestion in this matter is that you both have to sit down for a while and discuss what you want and what he wants.
You both have to listen each other with cool minds.

I think this will help you.

May Allah Bless You.

November 14, 2019, 03:41:10 PM
Reply #6


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November 15, 2019, 01:51:48 AM
Reply #7


Rhere is no such thing as someone giving anyone sex and it's not important for someone that your dating or married to to give you addiction or sex.

November 16, 2019, 06:26:51 AM
Reply #8


I'm in the same situation, so I can completely emphasise

December 04, 2019, 05:20:50 PM
Reply #9


I’m in the exact same boat as you. The past 7 years have been great (sex wise) doing it anywhere from 3-6 times a week. This past year it has dwindled down to once every couple of weeks. I already deal with extreme PTSD but I joined a gym thinking he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Now, I get hit on by everyone, expect my husband. I too have a high sex drive and he’s always known and appreciated it but now when it comes down to being intimate, he ignores me.

A good friend of his told me this, and it might be something to look at for you too. He said I’m for the most part intimidating and that can hard for a man to handle. He said if my husband feels inferior to me he definitely won’t want to have sex. This made somewhat sense to me although I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not a bow down type person.

December 08, 2019, 03:08:12 AM
Reply #10


Hello Peggy, I'm in a similar position but I'm wondering where I/we could find a male perspective on the lack of intimacy?

December 08, 2019, 01:00:45 PM
Reply #11


Do you miss your ex boyfriend? Did you lose him through a dumb mistake that one of you made in your relationship? You can rebuild your lost romance. The following steps will guide you so you can get him back.

- The biggest tip is don't push him to return. It will take some time and you must have patience, but you will be rewarded if there is a spark of love left between you. Just be friendly and smile each time you see him. It is amazing what a big smile can do for a relationship.

- After you have let him know you really do like him and are interested in a relationship with your winning smile, it is time to start a conversation. Begin slowly, at first. Don't talk his ear off. Just keep the conversation friendly, but brief. Let him know that you are out and about, but spare the details. Keep him guessing.

- Put your best foot forward. Dress nice when you think you will see him. Get your hair done, and put on the smell good stuff. If you are really serious, start working out and toning your body. Show him what he is missing. Do a little flirting. Get his mind on sex. That always works.

- Make him feel good about himself. Men like women who make them feel good about themselves when they are with them. So, tell him when he does something you like, and tell him what you admire about him. Be honest, of course, or you will lose ground rather than gain.

- Always talk about the positive times you had together. Never bring up old arguments and try to prove you were right about whatever broke your relationship apart.

Just be a good friend to your ex boy friend. Do not act as if you cannot live without him. This will drive him away. If you are calm and cool when you are together and make him fell good about himself you will let you know if he still has any feelings about you.

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December 15, 2019, 03:53:48 PM
Reply #12


Could he have performance anxiety? If there’s physical problems it could be embarrassing for him to even talk about.

Does he like sex at night or early morning? Testosterone builds during the night so mornings are better. Do you sleep in the same bed? Sometimes the mood will strike but if you’re not handy, he might get handy with himself bc it’s easier.

I’ve had issues like this. I’ve struggled and now my libido is in hibernation or has passed away. When I tried to work on it, it just started fights. I got many excuses. So, I feel you.

December 30, 2019, 01:43:18 AM
Reply #13


In my opinion, he is not the problem you are.  You need to work on you.  If he doesn't want to call you babe that's up to him.  The more you push him, the more you will push him away.  If this is what you want than that's not a problem, but if this isn't what you want then it will be a problem.  Work on you first, only then will you see a change.  He is going through his own pain just like you, but he expresses it internally like many men. If you really want this relationship to work, back off, you both need space.  Becomes friends again.  Take a look at the site lasting love relationships.  I think it could offer some great advice.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 01:48:16 AM by desree »
I’m a friend; first, something I don’t take lightly.
I am a writer for children’s books. and I own publishing company, and a daycare center.  In addition I am one of the writers for lastingloverelationships.com

January 17, 2020, 12:13:23 PM
Reply #14


Like the reply above, working on you is a big thing, it takes two to be in a relationship but it can take one to make the positive change because he will respond naturally to your good and happy energy.

But a couple of things I can definitely suggest is one - Write a letter, writing a letter means you really take the time to think about your words and if you need to, look up how to word things right, you don't want to be accusing or attacking him, you just want to let him know that your feelings are hurt and that there are solutions. What I included in my letter (That ended up being pages and pages long but hey, it worked) was that I simply couldn't be in a sexless relationship, I was careful not to use words that would make it sound like a threat, that's horrible and toxic, however it's very reasonable to put your cards down on the table and say what you need out of a relationship, this is your life we're talking about anyway. What's also important is to include that you want to know what he wants so you can keep him happy too, maybe he wants space, in which case, give it to him, might do you some good too.

Also, his reason may be something very personal and might hurt his pride, if it's performing anxiety, which my other half has too, then you must be supportive and take the reins a bit which you probably already do if you're trying everything.

Another thing is Lingerie !!
I love lingerie, it's so fun! I know part of all of this is that we want our man to want us, we want them to have that crazy sexual hunger but sometimes for many reasons, their minds just aren't there and there's nothing wrong with showing them the way. Maybe one evening, before he's home from work or whatever, make a nice dinner with candles and all that cheesey romantic stuff, dress in something naughty, pour a couple of glasses of wine, surely he can't ignore such a hint, tell him you miss him and just want to let off some steam and do the one thing that separates your relationship with a normal friendship.

However, just like another reply I've seen here, maybe you do need to rekindle the friendship side, you need to be able to laugh together and be relaxed, otherwise sex is just scary and puts pressure on the one who has the issue

February 15, 2020, 11:09:41 AM
Reply #15


I deal with this too. My husband is disabled and can not function. Refuses to give any thing...

February 18, 2020, 11:08:43 AM
Reply #16


I agree about the Lingerie.  Most men I know like to have a little mystery.  Sex ingerie and black over the knee boots would turn my husband on.  It's important to determine what he likes more than what you like.  An honest conversation centered on what he would like to have rather than rules about what you would like might help.  I believe that men are naturally selfish and want women to fulfill their needs, sometimes without much thought as to what women want.  This is a process starting with him.

If he's afraid of your getting pregnant, there are other methods you can use other than the ones you mentioned.  He may believe that you are trying to trick him and get pregnant.

Good luck.

February 19, 2020, 07:55:06 PM
Reply #17


This is a difficult situation to assess without hearing some of his thoughts on the subject. If he is no longer interested in you sexually, something is wrong. A couple needs intimacy to stay strong and connected. If one of you is wanting while the other is not, something needs to be fixed. I would try to ask him outright if his feelings have changed? If you can do anything? Sometimes after a long period without sex, it can become awkward to approach again. Try to lighten the mood on the topic instead of making it such a necessity? Take it back to where you didn't have to think about it, but just let it happen. Playful and easy going. Try some light massage for each other. Something that gets you both receptive to each others touch without any necessary sexual implications. Take a bath together. Intimate things that can begin to let you connect again. Maybe the sex will come as the pressure decreases?

February 27, 2020, 02:03:22 AM
Reply #18


Loss of sexual interest with time is normal but certain factors can accelerate this, I won't disagree its a good idea to visit a therapist when things aren't going well but sometimes that can be a little demeaning when it comes to men, talking about sex with a 3rd party isn't always very encouraging to us and sometimes it might even take away the drive. sometimes, it's just the general stuff that helps, like addressing issues taking up most of his attention, that might be work, how is he doing at work, does he sound disappointed then focus on working on that, encouraging him and making him feel better, it's a process but it works.
I agree with 4fun, speaking out helps, you can talk these things out, remind him that its one of the things needed to maintain a healthy relationship/marriage, discuss how the two of you can work on it /improve it, tell him its something that you love doing.

June 21, 2020, 11:27:40 AM
Reply #19

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June 26, 2020, 04:17:56 AM
Reply #20


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July 01, 2020, 03:21:44 AM
Reply #21


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