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Author Topic: My husband doesn't want me to work.

September 25, 2018, 09:42:31 AM
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alexacole


Two months after delivering my twins, I told my husband I will be working again to help him with the household expenses but he didn’t agree. When the twins turned 2, I told him that I should really work because sometimes his salary is not enough to suffice all the expenses. He’s working as a chef in a foreign resto here in our place and his income is never enough. We should both work especially if the kids will be sent to school but he doesn’t want me to. When I told him again that I want to work, he got mad or maybe a bit insulted. He just wants me to stay at home while taking care of the kids. He didn’t get that I wanted to help him. I don’t want to be just sitting in the house while waiting for him to come home after a tiring work. How can I make him agree?

September 25, 2018, 01:11:41 PM
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goodevening


Two months after delivering my twins, I told my husband I will be working again to help him with the household expenses but he didn’t agree. When the twins turned 2, I told him that I should really work because sometimes his salary is not enough to suffice all the expenses. He’s working as a chef in a foreign resto here in our place and his income is never enough. We should both work especially if the kids will be sent to school but he doesn’t want me to. When I told him again that I want to work, he got mad or maybe a bit insulted. He just wants me to stay at home while taking care of the kids. He didn’t get that I wanted to help him. I don’t want to be just sitting in the house while waiting for him to come home after a tiring work. How can I make him agree?

It's a difficult one because he probably wants his kids to grow up with their mother by their side.

My mother was the same, she wanted to always be with me when I was in my infancy to not miss a second of my childhood.

Have you had a chance to sit down and speak to him about how you feel on the subject? Do you have any update?

September 26, 2018, 08:44:56 AM
Reply #2
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alexacole


I know that every mother has to be with their children until then, however, I was thinking that my husband's income would not suffice our expenses especially if the twins will be sent to school. If that time comes, it would me more difficult for me to just sit in the house. Do you understand my worry right? Is that wrong? I haven't talk to him about this seriously since he often gets mad whenever I mention about the job thing.

November 20, 2018, 06:18:13 PM
Reply #3
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sandythecat


Two months after delivering my twins, I told my husband I will be working again to help him with the household expenses but he didn’t agree. When the twins turned 2, I told him that I should really work because sometimes his salary is not enough to suffice all the expenses. He’s working as a chef in a foreign resto here in our place and his income is never enough. We should both work especially if the kids will be sent to school but he doesn’t want me to. When I told him again that I want to work, he got mad or maybe a bit insulted. He just wants me to stay at home while taking care of the kids. He didn’t get that I wanted to help him. I don’t want to be just sitting in the house while waiting for him to come home after a tiring work. How can I make him agree?

Hello there.
I understand your insecurities about your financial issues. Having one child needs a lot of money let alone twins. You will need double the money, and we're talking big numbers here especially when the twins have to go to school. I also understand that your husband is probably worried that the twins are not having the attentions and love they need without you beside them while also worried about not making enough money for you and the twins. Yes, probably he's thinking about it too.
There are other options too. You can try to work from home. Manage an online shop or things like writing articles and get paid. It seems to be one of the best options you can try because then you don't have to leave home and the twins. Of course you need to discuss the matter with him first. Have you ever talked to him in neutral emotional state about this? Start the conversation by saying: I understand your worries, I worry too. That way you won't seem like you only want to go out and leave the twins.
Hope this helps :)

December 12, 2018, 02:23:26 AM
Reply #4
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j.nico1984


I know that every mother has to be with their children until then, however, I was thinking that my husband's income would not suffice our expenses especially if the twins will be sent to school. If that time comes, it would me more difficult for me to just sit in the house. Do you understand my worry right? Is that wrong? I haven't talk to him about this seriously since he often gets mad whenever I mention about the job thing.

So this really breaks down into three areas of concern: your husband trying to guilt trip you for the desire to work, your husband trying to control you, and what you can do to solve the problem.

First, let's begin with your husband's unreasonable guilt tripping. Children are prefectly fine if sent to nursery school or if they have a babysitter. They don't need you to constantly be there, as they do need to learn to become independent of you. This is a bit anecdotal, but my mother went back to work two months after each of her three daughters were born and all of us turned out fine- one works for a U.S. Senator, the other is a lawyer, and I'm pursuing a Phd. Your children will be fine. Your husband is using outdated logic meant to disenfranchise women by keeping them at home. You've stayed home with the children for two years already. That's more than enough, what your twins now need is a interaction with children their own age so they can develop the correct social skills. The only reason your husband wants you to stay home is so he doesn't have to be more of an active participant in caring for your kids.

Two, what your husband is doing by trying to force you to stay home, is the equivalent of an economic hostage situation. BY trying to force you to stay home, he's preventing you from having an independent financial situation. This is normally the first step towards more control and domination over you, so I would be careful and watch for signs that he's trying to control you in other ways. Just reading about how angry he gets when you try to discuss your family finances is a major red flag. You should be able to discuss this without concern. I would recommend seeking out a marriage councellor, not because you need therapy, but due to the neutral third party they can play as a mediator present for your conversations.

Third, solving this problem isn't a one time issue. Based on how well your husband has done of keeping you from seeking work for the two years following your twins' birth, it seems likely that he does a very good job at stopping you from pursing other outlets or connections with the world. If it does come to be that you work from home or open an online business, I recommend still trying to get out into the world on a regular basis to prevent you from becoming isolated. While therapy maybe a taboo in your home country, it's really the best way for you and your husband to work out the problems in your marriage (be they minor or major). Therapy isn't the same as saying you're broken as a couple, think of it like the tune-up or oil change you get for a car. It's completely necessary to keep everything running smoothly. Another method for dealing with your husband's ignorance is to print out the household budget, bring it before him, and show him how you need to save more money/start preparing for school/are falling behind in bills. This way he is confronted with reality and can no longer say that everything is running smoothly.

A marriage is a partnership and in this case, it's your husband whose not holding up his up end. Money is crucial for maintaining a good life and for making sure your children will be successful. Remind your husband of that.

December 29, 2018, 09:28:08 AM
Reply #5
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Tehilah27


Hi, have you considered looking online for jobs you might be qualified for? It's usually difficult starting an online business or getting jobs that suit you but with time, it will become easier.

 

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