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Author Topic: My boyfriend communicates with a girl I’m uncomfortable with

May 31, 2019, 10:22:40 AM
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Kennedyisrad


This is gonna be a long story, so I’m going to try and summarize.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little while now, and he just recently proposed to me and we’re in the process of house hunting. Very exciting, and I’m super happy to be with him.
Although, there’s been some problems with a female friend/former flame if you will. From what I’ve been told, they’ve known each other since high school and he’s had a crush on her, and vice versa. He explained it like they’ve been going in circles for years, never dating but one always liked the other on and off but dated other people in between and he had even professed love to her at one point. (Of course I don’t know all the details). So, they’ve communicated several times throughout our relationship mainly on Snapchat and I’ve seen it. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable just given the circumstances, and I wouldn’t talk to somebody I had former feelings for while I was happily in a relationship but that’s just me. He seemed to understand how I felt, but he would still do it, and I’m not sure who reaches out to who. I’ve continued to express my discomfort with it, and at one point he said he would stop talking to her and I believe he did for awhile and I felt okay. Then as of two weeks ago, he told me that she reached out to him (I think) and they chatted, she graduated school and is moving to Michigan for a job, and he told her we were engaged supposedly, so I appreciated him telling me the truth and that they communicated. He also said he doesn’t expect to hear from her for a while. Then, like three days ago, I saw she was added back on his friends list, which normally he’ll delete her after they’re done talking I believe. So naturally seeing that made me believe they were communicating again, and it just sent me into negative feelings and naturally I spiraled to panicking. I have yet to talk to him about it, because I don’t even know what to say or ask. It just seems weird to me because if they have innocent conversation why can’t they talk like when I’m around, or why does she have to be deleted after? I don’t know if I’m exaggerating or not. I would just appreciate some outside thoughts on this and how to approach it.

May 31, 2019, 03:12:07 PM
Reply #1
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Elliott


Deep Apologies in advance if i seem unhelpful or insensitive.  I don't know you or your Boyfriend and this sounds very complex.

I can only say what i would do in such a circumstance.  I would not just look at what he is doing communicating with his former high school crush, but also has any behaviour in him changed with regards to you and him.

For example and this is only a loose example unrelated, an analogy and life i had as a kid.  A kid starts school happy and having fun learning,  then unknown to the parents the kid is bullied at school every day.  The kid comes home doesn't tell parents of the bully, but the kids behaviour changes.  Subtle changes at first then more pronounced over time, due solely to being bullied.   The kid won't tell on the bully for fear of getting told off or not listened to and thus if not caught sooner will effect the kids school work and life.

How does the analogy relate, i think it needs to be stopped or approached differently so there is complete openness, just in case more down the line, the just talking he does to this former school crush becomes a crush or effects your relationship with arguments of jealousy.  So like my analogy it needs to be addressed before it could take over both your lives and relationship.

It may be good to get a good close friend to help and look out for you and pick up on things that you can't see clearly.  If his behaviour changes, because emotions and your love for him can blind you to things and maybe your close friend can point out changes.

I maybe totally wrong with everything i have said and again i apologise, but i think if you have a close friend to help see subtle changes due to his communication with this other girl then you could form a better picture of whether you should be concerned or not.  So that later down the line jealousy or relationship negative effects can be prevented.  Like the Bullied kid(me) analogy it needs to be addressed now to prevent life scaring issues later.

i am again sorry if anything above didn't help at all ,but i do wish you the best and hope if i haven't helped, others on the forum will.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2019, 03:20:21 PM by Elliott »
Former CIA Officer Will Teach You How to Spot a Lie: *Link Removed*

May 31, 2019, 08:55:37 PM
Reply #2
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KeeyUhhJay


Same here as far as sounding insensitive, but your bf should respect you about how u feel. Granted they may not have dated but if its making you uncomfy then maybe he doesn't fully respect ur feelings. Obviously he wants to be with you or he wouldn't have proposed to you. I would sit both of them down and explain how you feel to both of them that way everyone is on the same page. If you see no improvement then maybe both of you should have a conversation. I've never been married but I wouldn't want to go into a marriage if the way I felt about something just gets swept under the rug. Good luck to you and I hope I helped even if it was a little.

 

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