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Author Topic: Mo money, mo problems

April 21, 2019, 12:05:12 AM
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Tinmansheart


I have been with my bf for over 2.5 years. We met online, he’s almost 7 years younger than me, and didn’t have anything holding him to his home town, so he moved over state lines for us to be near each other. After I graduated from grad school and got a job a cross the country, we moved in together. He’s got severe anxiety, and may be on the spectrum, he’s very high functioning though. He grew up very poor and has a mindset of scarcity. When he first moved to the state I was in he got an internship with one of my professors that didn’t work out, so he found a minimum wage job, and barely worked enough hours a week to cover his bills. We lived in a state where weed was legal recreationally, and he basically smoked all day to deal with his anxiety and insomnia. He ended up getting another job after the one dropped him down to almost single digit hours a week, but that took almost six weeks and my constant nagging for him to take care of his responsibilities, and he was late paying his 75 year old roommate/land lady rent for the first few months. Then, when we moved across country, and moved in together, he was unemployed and barely looked for a job for the first 8 months. Then he got a lifeguard job over the summer, and due to weather issues, worked about 60% what we thought he would. After the season was over, and due to his anxiety, I applied for him to work at FedEx since he could work part time while going back to school and make a decent rate of pay.

Between getting closed due to weather, him feeling too sick to work, and him jumping on being given the chance to go home early, which happens at least once a week, he’s not bringing in consistent money, but it’s more than it has been since I’ve known him. He’s had the FedEx job for 6 months now, but I was footing every single bill for the first 8 months we lived here. I work in nonprofit and I’ve got crazy student loans from my degrees, not to mention I have chronic health issues myself, and I have to eat a strict diet in order to have any quality of life. Due to all of these things and with him not working, we lived off my salary and the remainder went onto the credit  card.

Since he started school in Jan of 18, he’s taken out about 7k in loans. He’s probably spent 2-3k on fun stuff with them. He bought crazy amounts of video games, a virtual reality headset, has gone to a wrestling show that cost hundreds of dollars, spent hundreds of dollars at a hockey game, and is going to a concert in a few weeks. This past birthday/Christmas is the first time since we’ve been together that I’ve gotten any gifts from him, and those total less than $150, and I had to ask for them/order them for myself.

Since he’s got money coming in weekly with his job, I’ve been going to the ATM to take out his portion of the rent, utilities, etc. and extra money to pay back all the debt that was incurred from him refusing to work. I’ve been doing this for months, despite him wishing his money was mostly his. I’m fighting off a cold and have a wrench in my neck, so I wanted to get something cold for my throat and do the weekly ATM run with him, since we haven’t seen each other much lately and I can’t turn my neck well to drive. We get in the car and he asks me where we are going and I tell him the ATM to get your money. He loses it. Acts like I just started doing this and that I’ve taken $1,000 of his money over the past month alone. We have bills. Why is it my job to pay them? I pay his phone bill on my credit card and use the money I take from the ATM to pay it off. I buy his food (since I run all the errands, and cook two separate meals), and keep a detailed log of what all he owes. He freaked out on me hard. I started to cry because I feel like he’s constantly gaslighting me. He told me that if I didn’t spend much on groceries that maybe I wouldn’t be in such debt, and that my gluten allergy is completely bullshit. He wants “one week” to do whatever he wants with his paycheck, and doesn’t understand that every cent that comes in from my paycheck goes to paying off my portion of the bills and the debt I have. I haven’t been to a concert or gotten to do anything big and fun like he’s done multiple times these past couple of months in years. He’s freaking out on me because there’s a book he wants to buy and energy drinks that he insists on purchasing. He eats like a college student and his health is awful because of it. I also pay 20% more rent than he does because I make more money, even though I have a lot more going towards bills than he does because I don’t have health insurance through my employer and I have a car payment for a car he uses to go to work and school.

It all seems so petty and immature. We’ve been together long enough where he should understand that he can’t continue to be so selfish with his money. I think he thinks I’m asking him to pay my debt. Not remotely, I’m asking him to pay back the debt he’s put on my credit cards. Of the $1,000 he’s claiming I got over the past month, maybe $100 of that went to paying me back. He doesn’t pay any of my car payment or car insurance and he doesn’t pay for all of the gas he uses. I’m not even asking for the hundreds if not thousands I spent taking care of him for the year and a half he barely had any money when I bought him groceries and weed, constantly. He just doesn’t get it, and he makes me be the bad guy. I’m in my mid thirties. I love this person, but I am too old to put up with this treatment. I feel so incredibly used. He seems to have zero concern for how he uses me. He has no qualms about asking his mom and dad for money and never considers paying them back. He put his elderly landlord in tough positions for multiple months and just stiffed the landlord of money when he moved the first time. I’ve never met someone who is so willing to use people without any regard for paying them back. We had tried couples counseling in the beginning to establish a solid foundation since both sets of our parents are divorced and the therapist told me that he would be homeless if he didn’t have people to continue to bail him out. I don’t know how to communicate to him how selfish he’s been. He’s verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful. I’ve tried so hard with him, but I just can’t get it through to him that what he’s doing isn’t fair to me. Any words of wisdom?
« Last Edit: April 21, 2019, 12:17:31 AM by Tinmansheart »

 

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