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Author Topic: Marriage: Issues with mom, please help!

October 22, 2019, 12:06:33 AM
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Hi I am looking for some impartial advise here because I am too emotional right now to see things straight. Its 5am here and I cant fall asleep because of this. Sorry if this is a long story, I also want to get it off my chest. The background is that my mom flew over for 3 weeks visit and she is staying with us, she recently stopped working and we are a chinese family.

On the second day of the visit, we went to a shopping centre and my husband was driving us. In the parking lot we hit the curb when turning and I asked him to be more careful because we have seen someone punctured their tire at the same curb. My mom added to the convo that my husband is quite careless but that's normal since his generation in main land China are more sheltered by parents (context, he from a one child family). She also said that they are good when it comes to work environment but on daily stuff he can be too careless. My husband got offended and at that time I hadn't notice the issue brewing and didnt make any comments or tell my mom that she needs to speak with filter or understand that there are things better off not said. According to her, she said she was just stating a fact based on her observation but according to my husband, it was intended to speak down on him and to praise her own kids for being different (I am raised in Europe and have siblings and we are more or less more independent than our cousins of similar age in China). He said all he wanted was to be filial and treat her well but mom doesnt seem to appreciate. On that day I only noticed something was wrong when he made a 'joke' and went too far. I was using a gift card a friend/ ex-colleague gave me when I left my old job, to purchase something. He made the comment to my mom that this was something my lover gave me (context, he has been jealous of this friend of mine before, and would often call him my 'lover' as joke and being half serious). I told him to be mindful of what he says because it can be easily misunderstood. My mom said it's fine and she is quite open (she meant in regards to the jokes, because we make inappropriate jokes in my family) however my husband interpreted that she is open to me having affairs (which I am not btw!!!). I felt attacked at that moment and then noticed he wasnt acting as his usual so while mom went away looking at other stuff I asked him what was wrong. He blew up and told me how upset he was saying that my mom intentionally hurt him. And I was of course very upset that he had to use me to attack my mom. But at the same time I couldnt understand why he would think she intentionally hurt him. We didnt talk much the rest of the day because I was very angry and he was avoiding us. I avoided talking to him about it while my mom is also here and to cool myself down. On day three, while he went on business trip i got to speak to my mom alone and advised her to be more mindful on the things she say because they could be interpreted differently. After I spoke to her I had texted my husband telling him about that and tried to explain why she said certain things and they were not intentional. He said I have been branding him as someone sensitive or being petty and that I am standing on my mom's side and not seeing the truth and the truth is that she intentionally said things to hurt him. My mom said she didnt and that she doesnt bear any dislike of my husband, which I also tried to convey. He ended the conversation with telling me to re-read what I wrote to him because it shows that I am not standing on his side and if we were to move back to where I grew up and work there as we had planned early this year, there will be trouble and he will feel like he doesnt have anyone to back him up anymore and they will all be on my side. He also said that if we were to have any arguement my mom is likely to push us for a divorce. I told him that is not true because if she were to do that, he had to be a violent and immature person who is incapable of taking care of the family (context, my dad was like this in his younger days but they didnt divorce as she didnt know much about the law and their relationship is a lot better now. But she mentioned this story few months ago so he thinks she is capable of advising me to divorce him if anything happen). Despite my attempt to tell him I am making sure my mom won't say anything unnecessary and I will be more vigilent in noticing this and that it's a misunderstanding, he is still very angry on the situation. And now I am so pissed off that I didnt respond to his last message because he was being sarcastic. I feel that it was unfair of him to put me on the spot and use me to attack my mom because I dont do that with his mom. His parents are coming over for 5 weeks in December, I dont know what will happen because if he is like this with my mom there is no reason for me to be nice to his either. I will maybe avoid being with them as much as I can by going to gym and going to work. I dont even want to think about having kids with him yet because my original plan was to raise them in the nordics as that was where I grew up and know it's more child friendly and there are better benefits and low nursery fee. If I were to have kids in london it will be so expensive and I wont have any support. I dont want either parents to come and live here while we have a baby because there isnt enough space and I will probably be very temperamental and dont want to cause conflict.


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