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Author Topic: Making it Work

December 12, 2018, 09:28:17 AM
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j.nico1984


I'm seeking some advice of how I should go forward with a current dilemma in my love life. It's a bit of a drawn-out situation, so I'm going to provide a little context.

My boyfriend of two years and I are at an impasse invovling the next step in our relationship. I'm American and he is Indian, we had met at  in Washington, DC and have been blissfully contently together for two years. However, some recent news has resulted in a new development that I'm not quite sure how to handle. His long-term work visa has been approved. After years of worrying about the government denying him a new work permit, all the stress is gone and we can continue to plan our foreseeable future together. The bad side of this great news is now he wants me to meet his family. I really don't mind meeting my boyfriend's family, it's just they're not exactly really approving of him dating a white woman (from what I've gathered about his extended family they're very racist, homophobic, and nationalistic).

He's headed back to India for his cousin's wedding and would like me to attend and meet his family there.I don't really want to because I feel it will put me in an awkward situation of not knowing anyone, being with people who don't like me, and at a disadvantage because I'll be in a country I'm not that familiar with and don't fully understand the customs. On the otherhand, his brother is graduating with his Phd from an American school in May and I would prefer to meet his family at that gathering. My boyfriend feels as though it's rude that I'm not coming with him right away to meet the people who will most likely be my in-laws. I just want to make sure I'm putting my best foot forward and feel that that wouldn't happen with visiting in December.

What do you think I should do? Visit India for the holidays or wait until May when they come to the US? Is it rude that I want to wait or perfectly reasonable?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to make a really balanced fair decision since this will have a lasting impact on my relationship. I want to present the best argument possible when I make my decision one way or another.

December 19, 2018, 05:15:31 AM
Reply #1
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babyshelle


Hello. 
For me, I do not see anything wrong if you’ll visit your boyfriend’s family. Besides, it is your chance to finally meet them and know them in person. Your boyfriend will be happy if you’ll come to visit in their place.
Of course, you’ll be nervous thinking that they do not like white woman. Still it is your chance to prove them wrong. Show them the real you. Show them your traits that your boyfriend loved about you.

Make them see that there is nothing wrong for Indians to feel in love with Americans.

Love is beyond what we expect. Love is mysterious. Let them love you too the way your boyfriend sees the best in you. <3

December 19, 2018, 10:56:16 AM
Reply #2
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menchuuy58


I'm seeking some advice of how I should go forward with a current dilemma in my love life. It's a bit of a drawn-out situation, so I'm going to provide a little context.

My boyfriend of two years and I are at an impasse invovling the next step in our relationship. I'm American and he is Indian, we had met at  in Washington, DC and have been blissfully contently together for two years. However, some recent news has resulted in a new development that I'm not quite sure how to handle. His long-term work visa has been approved. After years of worrying about the government denying him a new work permit, all the stress is gone and we can continue to plan our foreseeable future together. The bad side of this great news is now he wants me to meet his family. I really don't mind meeting my boyfriend's family, it's just they're not exactly really approving of him dating a white woman (from what I've gathered about his extended family they're very racist, homophobic, and nationalistic).

He's headed back to India for his cousin's wedding and would like me to attend and meet his family there.I don't really want to because I feel it will put me in an awkward situation of not knowing anyone, being with people who don't like me, and at a disadvantage because I'll be in a country I'm not that familiar with and don't fully understand the customs. On the otherhand, his brother is graduating with his Phd from an American school in May and I would prefer to meet his family at that gathering. My boyfriend feels as though it's rude that I'm not coming with him right away to meet the people who will most likely be my in-laws. I just want to make sure I'm putting my best foot forward and feel that that wouldn't happen with visiting in December.

What do you think I should do? Visit India for the holidays or wait until May when they come to the US? Is it rude that I want to wait or perfectly reasonable?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to make a really balanced fair decision since this will have a lasting impact on my relationship. I want to present the best argument possible when I make my decision one way or another.
My advice for you is to follow your heart. Whatever you decide you talk it out with your boyfriend. I think there is nothing wrong to say no to invitations of your boyfriend. He is not yet your husband. You still have the right to say what your heart wants to say.

December 19, 2018, 08:18:50 PM
Reply #3
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Purpletaco


I think that this depends entirely on where you see your relationship going, and where you feel it's at.

It's clear that family is important to your boyfriend, and that's something you have to respect if you wish to remain in the relationship. I understand completely that it's utterly anxiety inducing to have to face a huge group of people with different values, cultures and in a place where you do not feel at home (and if anything are going through cultural shock). However, I think that taking the time to learn their customs beforehand and doing your best will make your boyfriend see that you are doing your best to align with what is important to him, even if it comes at a sacrifice.

Ultimately, it's not whether his extended family approves of you or not, it's about how he handles them in relation to you and how much stronger it can make your relationship.

Best case scenario: It goes wonderfully, the family loses their prejudices, and you have a time of your life discovering a new country.
Worst case scenario: It goes poorly, the family doesn't accept you and your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you, and does nothing to make you feel included. I think that in a relationship where the two parties come from very different backgrounds, it's important to see your significant other in their comfort zone to really assess compatibility.

And then there's the middle ground - you go, the family is rude to you, but your boyfriend is impressed by your capacity to adapt and be there for him when he needs you, and ultimately it can strengthen your relationship.

I think in all cases you come out a winner in some way - even in the worst case scenario, because it's better to know sooner rather than later if you are truly compatible.

 

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