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Author Topic: Looking for an outlet... How much is too much?

July 17, 2019, 12:09:29 AM
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This post is probably too much, and will be too long, but to anyone who reads this, thanks in advance for being part of the void I'm screaming into.  If someone reaches back, well that would too much to ask for too. 

I've been seeing this guy now for about 2 years.  We were drunk one night and hooked up, and have since, been basically inseparable.  There was just one problem, we were both dating other people.  Undeniably, what we did was wrong, and I know that.  I broke up with my boyfriend not long after with full intentions to long term date my friend who I had hooked up with, for story telling purposes, we'll call him Ralph. 

Flash forward a year, I am still single, he's still with his girlfriend of 8 years and we are still seeing each other to the point that we are spending every night together. This was possible because we were living at school, his girlfriend lived 3 hours away back at his home town.  Anyways, I go out of town, Ralph stays at my apartment and watches my dog and things.  While I am gone, he logs onto my computer and goes through my facebook and finds messages I've sent with a male friend of mine, Greg, that are flirty in nature and some selfies of me in a swimsuit but are otherwise harmless messages.  Greg and I go way back, and he's always been a very near and dear friend to me, but is also someone I'm not interested in romantically and vice versa.  But I digress, Ralph finds these messages blows things way out of proportion and convinces himself that I'm leaving for him Greg.  When I get back from my trip, I find him passed out drunk and probably would have died in his own vomit if I had not been there to help him and get him cleaned up and off the floor.  But he's pissed at me, hurt that I would flirt with another guy and constantly thinks I was just talking to Greg because he himself wasn't enough for me, and that he disappointed me.  In the drunkenness of that night, he says he believes me that nothing more happened (which it didn't), and that he'll try to get over things, but that he's hurt, and because of this he isn't going to break up with his girlfriend, Sasha (but said he had been planning on it). 

So things continue for a year, where flirtiness with Greg keep's coming up, despite that I unfriended Greg and haven't spoken to him since.  He tries to "break up" with me several times, but each time we seem to find our way back into each other's bed's and inevitably this same pseudo relationship.  He constantly s ays he's going to break up with his girlfriend but always stays with her for whatever reason.  I.e. they made plans for Christmas, or she asked him to stay with her through this summer, or she's having health problems, and then it was her birthday, ect. By this time she knows about me, and is just upset with him, but doesn't want him to leave. so he goes home for the summer and is living in her apartment with her. 

At the beginning of the summer, he gets drunk one night, and texts me all these nasty things and says that he's done with me and all he wants is for me to "fuck off, and leave him the fuck alone".  It's never been so bad as all this, and I didn't take kindly to being told to fuck off, so I did just that.  I didn't answer his text messages, I tried not to even look at them. Until he showed up at my house (2 hours away) the next night, telling me that he broke up with Sasha and just wants to be with me because he loves me and is happy with me, and even tells my dad that his intention is to date me and that I am his priority. 

Fast forward to now, he's still living with Sasha hasn't  told anyone he broke up with her but me, is sleeping on her couch in the living room, anytime Ralph and I see each other she just cries and harasses him until he comes home because it's "their last summer together" and she just wants to spend all the time she can with him. So he always cuts visit's with me early.  Even when I drove to pick him and and back (2 hours each way) so he could spend four days with me, but then decided to go home the next day. And now he's going back to the "Well I wasn't enough for you, you had to turn to Greg, and I don't trust you, I worry all the time you're just talking to Greg again and are going to leave me".

I just need someone to listen.... because I'm overflowing with emotions. He gets to be hurt over me messaging a friend, but I don't get to be hurt by him violating my privacy and going through my stuff, or the fact that he was dating someone else the entire time and has kept leading me on saying he doesn't know what he wants, besides he wants both Sasha and I. I've offered to do ridiculous things like letting him track my phone or go through my messages, he always says no, but I'm getting desperate.  I feel like I deserve better, and I'm getting tired of always have to fight to keep him with me, how much is too much to put up with. I want to marry this guy, we've talked about the future and kid names and where we want to live. But then He says I'm just going to leave him, and he can't be in a relationship without trust.  And I desperately don't want him to just turn around and say "look I was right you did just leave", but I'm so tired of being second, of constantly having to fight to keep him here.  How much is too much?  How long do you let it go before you're just the bad guy for walking away and trying to take care of yourself?  I feel like every time we time we have conversations like this it just breeds a little more resentment... and all this little resentment is going to add up someday... I love him, but I also love myself. I'm coming to the end of the line, and all that's left for me is to walk away, and I'll just be the bad guy, and I don't want to be that.