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Author Topic: Is My Boyfriend Playing Mind Games?

June 17, 2019, 12:45:59 PM
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He is 62, I am 56 and we have been dating for almost 2 years. He was married 6 years and has been divorced 25 years, engaged twice and backed out of both. I was married 24 years, divorced for 3.  I feel the man has issues with commitment, I think he is phobic. I have not pressured him for anything long term. I have been enjoying his company and trying to get to know him to see if we could actually be something more. The first 6 months were great! We talked on the phone 1-3 hours almost every day, saw each other about 3-4 times a month initially and then it increased to 2-3 times a week. He has a very demanding career and works nights which has made seeing each other difficult.

Many times I have called and get no answer, he doesn't respond. Several days will pass and he will call and I will ask if he saw I called and he will say he didn't see it. We had planned (he asked me) to go out to dinner so I planned on it. I get dressed and I had not heard from him. So I called him and got no answer. The next day I called him to ask what happened and he said he fell alseep. He fell asleep and did not even think to call me when he woke up? I am not calling the man even daily, I allow him his time. I am not one of those constant texters either so I don't feel I am harassing him. He was calling me from work and then said he could not do it because he could get fired. So I backed off and told me that I would leave the calling to him.

Thanksgiving 2018 I had invited him to my place and he said he wasn't sure if he had to work. Told him what time dinner was going to be. An hour after he knew what time dinner was he called, said that he learned that morning that he didn't have to work and went back to bed. I asked him if he wanted to come over and he said he wanted to watch the football game. What? This is Thanksgiving, a day for family and he is opting out? I was hurt but it was his choice and I did not question him. However, I have held onto that hurt.

His daughter moved back in with him and pretty much he has been trying to help her get on her feet. The first week of this month he called and told me he was wanting to take the first 2 Saturdays off from work so we could spent time together. He said that he knew we had not been spending enough time together. I let him know that I was happy he was thinking this way as I had the same thoughts. I told him I would like to do something fun that Saturday. He told me he was unavailable. he did not explain himself, did not say he was working , just said he was unavailable. I felt stupid...here I thought he was telling me he wanted to spend time with me and then turns around and says he can't? At that point I felt so done, tired of all the mind games, or what I felt was mind games. I went out of town for the weekend and visited family.

10 days go by and I had not heard from him so I sent him a text telling him I needed to move on. I told him we were not spending enough time together. Last time we went on a date was over a month ago. I told him I didn't know how to balance his need for space and my desire to see him and explained that when I don't hear from him that I get sad and lonely. We are not talking a few days here. This is the second time 10 days has gone by without a word from him. He said he understood and then he started texting me all these messages about how much he loves me. In 24 hours I received more texts from him than I had in 2 months. But this is what happens. We get close and then he has to vacate and he disappears. I get where I just feel I need to move on and then he comes back.

I read Venus and Mars dating and the author explains it well but to me this seems extreme. I also started reading a book on men who cannot commit and personally that is what I feel it is. In the almost 2 years we have been dating we have not had one breakfast together, not one! He is very attentive and expressive when we are together. We chat up a storm when we have the chance to talk but lately it has been like he can't give of himself and maybe because there is nothing to give with his daughter moving back in. Between that and work he might be exhausted but where are we??

June 18, 2019, 02:46:20 PM
Reply #1


To be honest, if I were you I would let him go. He only seems interested when he thinks he is going to lose you. You should know you deserve to have someone who really wants to see you every day! Much less, take you on breakfast dates or cooks you breakfast. He sounds like he likes having you for his convenience. I may only be in my mid 20's, but I dated a guy like that for 5 years. It may be hard to end it, but you deserve someone to want to be with you all the time.

September 28, 2019, 05:32:20 PM
Reply #2


Well firstly, have you told him upfront what is bothering you? If he brushes it off, that is not a good sign. If he is tentative to your needs and understands what he did wrong, that is promising.
Remember that you deserve to respect yourself and I know it may be hard because he is a good and attentive man when he is with you, but leaving you in the dark is not okay. you deserve better.
He might be taking you for granted because you always agree to him so if he asks you somewhere say no for once, try to let him understand you are not his little toy.
You should also ask upfront. Gage his response and go from there.
Try to fill you life with things you enjoy and to reminisce on him; it will eat you away.
But from what I read, it sounds like he is not 100 percent into the relationship like you are.
It is sweet that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt, but his behavior seems to be going over months, therefore it makes me question how much he respects you.
Remember, for the most part, if a man likes you, he would try everything in his path to keep your attention.
Good luck!

October 12, 2019, 09:21:26 AM
Reply #3


Hi, I'm 56 too.  How on earth do we end up with these guys!?  You'd think they'd have their emotional poop together after the age of 50. All the drama.  I'm over it at this age.  Although at my end there wouldn't be any drama if I didn't make waves.  Back to you, I'd dump him.  Of course it's easier said then done.  If he indeed is the kind of guy that wants you only when he thinks he's losing you, although it sounds like he has a lot of emotional baggage (like mine) that won't address.  The dilemma we now have is our desire to take care of them, break through the walls, get them to open up about their past and what it did to them or do we say....been there done that, take care of your own monkeys this isn't my circus.  Moving on though...56 and on our own again.  doing the dating dance if we even want to do that again.  Sorry got lost in my own stuff again.  I do think your guy is damaged.  I don't think the mind games are intentional (just a guess) I think he's just an insensitive (rear-end) off in his own little world not considering your feelings, just in need of you when it suits him.  At this point I would make him do all the work.  If he asks you out and doesn't show I wouldn't call him to ask why, I would just move on.  Block his calls, texts.  Unless you want the attention.  Our egos at this point kick in which can screw us up.  Why is he treating me like this...why does he call then blow me off....is it me...we then make it our mission to get him to want us and treat us better.  When we really should just let it go.  did that help?  make any sense? 

October 15, 2019, 11:35:58 PM
Reply #4

Big Foot

Sounds like he is really stressed because of his job and this is unable to give you his full attention. Maybe he wants to take things slow. If thats not what you want then you would have to let him go

October 16, 2019, 03:03:49 AM
Reply #5


I’d say it’s probably best you move on. This is causing you more hurt then happiness and if he wants to call it love I don’t think he really understands the concept. Even if you are insanely busy. If you love someone you feel this need in the pit of your gut to check in with them. Such lengthy periods of no contact followed by a panic of sudden availability to reassure you that you are loved and he needs you. Leaves a feeling that you might not be the only women he is with. Like he is just keeping you secured for a lonely night and these cancellations and no answers are because he is with someone else. Maybe that’s not that case. One thing is clear though. He isn’t making room for you in his life. Maybe he just has no way to do that but you aren’t going to be happy in that situation. If he gives you the I love you so much line again. You just need to focus on what the reality of those emotions are. If you two were in love you wouldn’t have this level of distance.

October 16, 2019, 02:51:21 PM
Reply #6


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