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Author Topic: Is honesty worth the pain?

March 07, 2020, 02:04:36 PM
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Hi! My name is Lily and I have to say this straight ahead, things won't probably work out but I still need advice from people in this community!
I met a guy this year in college. Let's say that his name is Timoty. I have a huge crush on him since the beginning of the year and I tried to talk and even flirt with him at some parties or week-end. We don't know each other but I tried to communicate my feelings twice:
- (it was a costume party): "I don't know you but Batman REALLY SUITS YOU"
- (it was a sport party, badminton): "Hi, it's Timoty isn't it? My name is Lily, nice to meet you. We see each other a lot during class in college" (he smiled), and then the conversation kept on going for 2 to 3 minutes.

Since 2 weeks, my bestfriend died during a fire. It made me want to be more honest with my feelings and let things be, and try to be more straight with what I want. I just want to ask the guy out and tell him that I want to do things with him and get to know him. (or not? we barely know each other). I'm not afraid to be rejected, because, we can't be mad at someone who doesn't feel the same way about us. But I want to say, I'm afraid to tell him, because I never said it to any guy. I'm also afraid that the guy might think that I'm too much into him, and then don't respect me, and take me for granted. I want to tell him, but not be too much hurt (is that even possible, when people communicate their feelings?) 

One of my friend told me that we are too different to be together, but at the end I want to know if, for once in my life, when I follow my gut, something good can happen. I'm not afraid of trying, because life is too short to not say to your crush that you actually like them.

I need advice on what should I do, or what I should not do. Should I swallow my feelings and go for the next guy? Should I try? Maybe I should not add pain with my bestfriend death.

Is honesty worth the pain?
Live. Just live.

March 07, 2020, 07:36:08 PM
Reply #1


So, unfortunately, there is no way to tell how things would pan out if you were honest, especially for me as I dont know you or the guy.
But if you do decide to go for it, I do have some advice.

1- be clear
Making a move is scary as hell. I had an experience with a girl I really liked. I'd known from the first time I saw her that I wanted her. We met one on one multiple times, and each time, she was giving me clear hints that she felt the same. Tricky part is: I was(still am) so damn scared of me misinterpreting(among other things), it took a long time for me to actually take the step and open pandora's box, so to speak.

If your guy is anything like me, he will need more than a few compliments to know you are even interested.

2- get to know eachother
It sounds to me like you dont know him very well. If you are gonna be intimite, trust needs to be built. For experienced people it can be easier because they know they can deal with it if the situation turns ugly:they trust themselves. But for us inexperienced/sensitive people, we need to know how our potential partner would react if something difficult happens. You can tell by the way they react to things that are weird or strange to them. For example: one of their friends accidentally does something embarrassing. Do they make it worse for them? Or do they help? This can tell you a lot about the way they would treat you if something happened during sex.

3- give it some time
Send some clearer hints now and again, and if you do get his attention, give him some time to think about you. He must decide whether he is or isnt into you. Deciding that is his responsibility as is communicating whether your attention is wanted. Wich brings me to my last advice:

4- rejection hurts
It just does. At least the first couple of times. Sometimes a lot sometimes just a little. That pain is temporary though and in return for risking that, you give yourself a chance at something very worthwhile. Plus you dont have to worry about him anymore, and can start looking for the next.
If your question ultimately is: Is love worth it? My answer is yes. In ways I cant express. Be at least as kind to yourself as you'd want to be to someone else.

Love, C

March 08, 2020, 06:02:54 AM
Reply #2


Hi Curious!

First of all, thanks for answering me, it means a lot. I think timoty is like you said, he needs more signs or clearer signs to know that i'm into him since the first time I saw him. But I don't know what I should do, to make myself clear without being too straight (if compliments aren't enough, what strategies should I take?). The guy is shy, I felt it and one of my friend who is working at the hospital with him told me that too. I don't know the guy either but I do know he's a sport guy and love spending time with his friends (i guess, tough he seems so). He's shy but at some party, he did a streap-tease, at the end I don't know if he's shy or not haha.

I try talking about it with a friend who knows him, and she told me she will try to organise a party where I could actually talk to him. Let's hope so!
I will try even more to see how he reacts with his friends. He seems like a nice person with his friend, but I might only see what I want to see of him. I don't know...

I think I will give it some time too, to know if he's interested or not, otherwise next guy :).
I'm an introvert but I can easily talk to people. People say i'm funny too, so I guess that might be true at some point and might even use it for this situation (friendzone is my house). I work a lot in college, barely have the time to go home and see my parents or even going out with friends in a party (courses and hospital).
You know when I said I want to do things with him, I don't necesseraly mean sexual things, but that's okay x). Of course, sex too - i mean... (it made me really laugh, because I realised that if you read between the lines, it implies sex...!!). You might be really right, because there is the physical attraction (works a lot with me!) but I also want to know him. I guess I really do have a crush haha.

If I may have your opinion again:
- what should I do if not compliments to communicate him that I'm into him? At the same time, I want to be straight with him (I like you, we should hang out sometimes) but I also want to know him a little before, because maybe if I know him better I will realise (or not) that I should not give him too much time. I want to say it out loud, but at the same time I'm afraid by saying to fast it will actually destroy the beginning of a relationship. What do you think? 
- i will see how he treats other people to know how he could react if I actually tell him.
I forgot to say, i don't if he has a girlfriend or not.
Is it worth telling someone you barely know that you like them? Is it worth taking the risk?

Live. Just live.

March 12, 2020, 07:49:20 PM
Reply #3


A lot of things happen today, I'm glad to share with anyone who can read this post. I went to my bestfriend's funeral and I told timoty I liked him too.
He told me that he knew but doesn't feel the same about me. And that's okay.  8) 8)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love someone you tell them, even if you're scared that it's not the right thing, even if you're scared that it will cause problems. You say it, you say it loud and then you go from there. Let your love be heard.
If I learned one thing is that you're not supposed to ask for love and not hurting yourself in the process of trying to actually have it. We accept the love we think we deserve. Being in a relationship won't heal you and being single won't kill you. Broken people tend to try seeking for love anywhere but in themself. But the thing is love yourself before trying to give something you don't have to someone else.
To answer my own question, honesty is worth the pain. Because if you're not honest with your feelings, you won't be able to face yourself.

Live. Just live.

March 13, 2020, 03:37:55 PM
Reply #4


Hey Lily

Good on you for asking the question of him. I agree with you it’s much better to find out rather than to live in regret your entire life for not taking the chance. FWIW I would have said give it a shot.

May 06, 2020, 03:29:05 PM
Reply #5


Good on you Lily  :) I think you did the right thing too. Life is short, far too short to fit everything in... So when you feel strongly about anything: a job, a person, a hobby, a dream... Just say what you feel and make it heard.

The risk of hurt or embarressment is always worth the chance of having something beautiful in your time on Earth. If I've learned anything in my life, you simply don't have the time to repress your emotions. We have hearts and hormones for a reason lol  ;D

Hope you're doing good now x
Life's a funny old game sometimes... Highs and lows... But hey, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger.

May 06, 2020, 03:41:38 PM
Reply #6

Gale Of Nights

Yo Lilly,

congrats on what you did, it's not the woman's role to ask it's the man, so you did pretty good for that. My girl has always told me if I never approached her at the gym, we would never have got together cause she would never ask me out, girls are just like that, it's men who have gotta make the move, so I understand your feelings at the start.

HOWEVER, saying that, I know how HARD it is for a lot of guys these days to even approach, including myself. INFACT, the only reason I approached her was because I decided to learn and practice game as of 2019, and actually make serious conscious effort in approaching women. Had I not pushed myself into that mindset, I wouldn't be with her today.

My first gf pursued me a lot and even asked for my snap, but never would tell me she had feelings, I would have to say it. She made it VERY obvious tho.

It's still nice to see when girls approach at times too tho, cause I never hear of it otherwise haha

May 06, 2020, 06:32:00 PM
Reply #7


I think you should let yourself live and go for it because if you don't, you could seriously regret it. and even if you do get hurt, people always learn things from relationships and heartbreak. don't be afraid of love. trust me on that.

May 07, 2020, 10:47:27 PM
Reply #8


 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* GGGOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if it doesn't work, then "thank you, next" --- :)
A queen needs a king not an empire.

May 08, 2020, 05:52:01 PM
Reply #9


I think you should tell him you like him but first make sure you feel good if during the conversation you feel the positive vibes then go for it. Love is fun with out rules and worm.


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