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Author Topic: I’m not allowed to have male friends..

February 14, 2019, 07:08:06 PM
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Gocubbies86


 So my boyfriend gets very jealous if I have any male friends. Stating “all men are dogs”. But he is allowed to have female friends who he talks to , hang out with and go to lunch with. Last night I tried to plan a romantic evening at home for us, mid date night he takes a call from one of those female friends and proceeds to talk for around 20 minutes. I flipped out. Am I overreacting???

February 14, 2019, 07:40:10 PM
Reply #1
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JNelmondo


You aren't overreacting.

If you'll permit me being blunt...

He's projecting his insecurity on you.

It's the insinuations that get me. If I have a partner who says "women are all dogs" (I'm male) then the conclusion I'm going to come to isn't that women are all dogs, it's that she's saying that I am unable to control myself. As if we have no control over cheating or not. Please.

It sounds more like he's saying that he doesn't trust himself, so by extension he can't trust you. Again, I feel like he's just projecting a whole world of hurt on you.

Regarding his shrugging off the romantic evening. Well, he took you for granted the moment he started treating you like a possession.


Author of dubious success and the pixelated face behind the articles at the unknownbreakup.com

February 16, 2019, 04:29:55 PM
Reply #2
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zombiepop


I was in a similar relationship for 6 years. I let it drag on way too long. You need to talk to him about this, and if he isn’t willing to change, then leave him. That sounds toxic to begin with and I’d hate for anyone to go through what I had to.

February 16, 2019, 09:19:40 PM
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cheyh93


You’re not overreacting, you have the right to be upset if he gets upset about you having male friends. He should trust you with having male friends. It’s a double standard to tell you not to have male friends and he still talks to girls. This sounds unhealthy

April 03, 2019, 01:30:35 AM
Reply #4
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Eagle425


I had an ex that was very controlling and jealous. I couldn’t have guy friends. No guys on my contacts on phone. Yet he had girls from work and I was to be chill about that. I wouldn’t have minded but he made me paranoid after he accused me of cheating while we were together which i didn’t. One thing I can tell you is it’s not fair for him to tell you something you can’t do yet he can. A relationship needs to be built around trust. So if he can’t trust you around other people just cuz he’s insecure he either a. Needs to fix that quick or b. Sorry you should get outta that relationship. I know that’s probably not what you wanna hear but trust me. Insecurity and jealousy make a controlling man

April 11, 2019, 07:20:09 PM
Reply #5
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BroadwayUnicorn


You are not over-reacting in the slightest. It can't be one way for him and another way for you. Relationships should be 50/50 give and take. If he is trying to control who you are allowed to speak to, but then speaks to whomever he wants, that is unfortunately a huge red flag. If you can talk to him about it rationally without either of you flipping out, and can communicate in a way that helps him to understand how hypocritical he is being, and he agrees and adjusts, then things should be fine. If he does not, and wants to keep controlling you while acting however he wants, you may want to take a second look at if this man is the right person for you. If the person you are dating doesn't trust you, that is not a very solid foundation for a lasting and loving relationship.

April 12, 2019, 07:53:25 PM
Reply #6
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KatrinaMoore


Not at all, sounds like he has control issues. This is a huge red flag as you should be allowed to be friends with whomever you choose. This means he needs to have total control and he does not trust you. As harsh as this sounds, I'd move on from this relationship.

April 15, 2019, 10:03:12 PM
Reply #7
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pizza123


So my boyfriend gets very jealous if I have any male friends. Stating “all men are dogs”. But he is allowed to have female friends who he talks to , hang out with and go to lunch with. Last night I tried to plan a romantic evening at home for us, mid date night he takes a call from one of those female friends and proceeds to talk for around 20 minutes. I flipped out. Am I overreacting???


Def not! He is insecure and being disrespectful.

April 17, 2019, 12:05:41 AM
Reply #8
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Clrptt


Of course you didn’t overreact. If he can have girl friends, you can have boy friends as well.
Did you try talking to him calmly once and explain him the problem ?

April 17, 2019, 02:30:32 PM
Reply #9
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georgiagirl


I don’t think you’re overacting at all. If a person cares about a relationship they will respect it. Affairs and cheating don’t just happen they start out innocently, as oh we’re just friends. First and foremost it is disrespectful to cut into a date to take a phone call unless it’s a business call that must be taken or something to do with his children, if he has any. But to interrupt your dinner to talk to another woman, no way I would be okay with that. As I said, cheating doesn’t usually just happen. Typically it begins as a friendship. To me your partner should be your friend. I would not have deep intimate conversation with another man aside from my boyfriend. That is where affairs begin. I can see having other couples as friends or someone you know as a friend that you both hang out with together or comments on the silly things you post. But 20 minute conversations with a person of the opposite sex is just inappropriate. Some people are okay with this for each other but I don’t think it’s healthy. Don’t do things to one another you wouldn’t want done to you. The oldest rule in history and because it is so true. Before I do anything that may affect my relationship I ask if I would be okay with him doing it. I was close with my high school boyfriend. We actually were seeing each other but it didn’t work out. We dated for years in high school and we’re now 34 and 35. We started our relationship back up and it just didn’t work. However, we remained close, he found comfort in talking to me about problems in his life. I became his confidant. This lasted until things got more serious with the man in now dating. I asked myself one day after talking to the ex if I would be okay with the man I’m dating doing that and I realized I wouldn’t. That let me know I had to end this friendship. And that was it. I don’t speak to him anymore at all. It’s been a while since he even called. I think he realized how happy I am and how great of a man I have and backed off out of respect for me and his care for my happiness. But, if he were to call right now I would answer and politely tell him I don’t think it is healthy or respectful for us to continue being friends. My boyfriend has become one of my best friends. For my issues with him I talk to my other best friend of 24 years. He point is I care about him enough that I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt him and I believe he feels the same way. If your boyfriend doesn’t feel like that then you can do better. We all deserve someone who considers our feelings as much as their own and he clearly is not doing that.

April 19, 2019, 01:50:12 PM
Reply #10
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Purva


This shows his double standards. I thunk you should raise voice against him and not allow such things to happen with you

April 20, 2019, 11:36:55 PM
Reply #11
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Tinmansheart


Control issues. Be advised. Have you tried couples counseling yet? He may be and is likely completely unaware of his insecurity.

May 04, 2019, 11:28:54 AM
Reply #12
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catlady063


Let him go. He is a sexist. I've been in this kind of relationship, TWICE! BOTH lasted for more than a year, the second time, I finally learned my lesson to never again date this kind of men. He would limit you of so many things because of his insecurities but would want to enjoy the things that he won't allow you to do so. Trust me, they would often accuse me of looking at men or entertaining men, when I was not! Only to find out they were the ones doing everything the did not want me to do.

May 06, 2019, 05:50:16 PM
Reply #13
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becca9272


Youre not over reacting. You need to sit him down and talk to him and explain you dont need permission to have male friends

May 11, 2019, 12:46:57 AM
Reply #14
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Antonín Dvořák


Of course you're not overreacting. Your boyfriend is just a prick. Talk to him. If he stays the same, end the relationship. Easy.

May 15, 2019, 03:45:01 AM
Reply #15
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cakedd


Definitely not overreacting.
If there is care and trust in a relationship, he would know that nothing would happen if you were to associate with other guys. I agree with the replies above. Usually when someone is insecure about themselves, they project it on their significant other.

May 28, 2019, 02:19:26 AM
Reply #16
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PeggyLuXXX


Good morning.

No, by no means are you overreacting whatsoever.

I call this behaviour: DOUBLE STANDARDS.

When the male in the relationship reacts like this it could mean a few different things.

It could mean that he believes he can control you at will and do whatever he wants (and if that’s so then you want to wander if you like this person enough to stay with him on a long term basis knowing that he will never see you as on par with you but rather his possession.)

Or, it could mean he HAS cheated on in prior relationships or BEEN cheated on - and there is a massive difference.

If he clams up and gets angry saying he doesn’t want to talk about it, try not to retaliate WITH temper talk back because then that gives him full ammunition do do the norm and either storm out to one of his female friends and either bitch about you all night or worse of all, sleep with them.

Try doing the total opposite of what he’d expect you to do. You could possibly try calmly telling him that his actions are affecting you emotionally and mentally so it is vital that he please discuss this reason with you and share his past with you (if you don’t already know it) and if it doesn’t ring true just literally (but gently) ask him why does it affect him so badly if you try to make contact with a male friend?

Even try and leave out the fact that he is allowed to incorporate female friends into his side of the relationship (just for now anyway - no matter HOW MUCH you might want to, DON’T at first because he’ll probably instantly go into defensive mode.)

If he cares for you then he will give a damn back about your feelings because there is TWO in a relationship.

My last resort suggestion?
Buy genuine Oestrogen cream off of the Internet, don’t tell him and let his feelings come flooding out - it would serve him right for refusing to speak to you (if he did) for being a selfish so-and-so!

Good luck and take care!
Lin. xXx

May 31, 2019, 03:20:34 PM
Reply #17
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Kennedyisrad


Not at all. If he’s allowed to maintain female friendships so are you. The street always goes both ways. Try communicating with him to see if you determine the root of the problem. Seems like he’s just trying to control you, perhaps a feeling of insecurity.

 

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