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Author Topic: I struggle to be rational and get defensive easily

May 31, 2019, 07:52:23 AM
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Alakazam1976


I've suggested going to couples counselling but he doesn't think it will help because the issue is 99% mine.

Our relationship has been rocky from the get go really, we had 2 years of instability, breaking up and getting back together again. This time we have been stable for 14 months straight, and although we haven't broken up in that time, we keep having unhealthy arguments that feel like we are taking 2 steps forward and 10 steps backwards. I don't think we will break up again because we both know 100% that we want it to work this time, when things are good they are really good but it only lasts a few weeks max and then one of these arguments will happen again. It's draining for both of us.

I'm very touchy and I take things to heart most of the time which makes it hard for my partner to want to approach me about his issues. It could be something as simple as him telling me I didn't do the washing up very thoroughly or that he has to cancel our plans because something important has come up. And instead of me trying to see things from his point of view, I immediately get defensive and think he has an ulteria motive.

He's a very rational thinker so when it gets to the point in the argument where we need to find a solution, he's very proactive in that. Whereas I really struggle to think positively and I'm just hung up on feeling hard done by, I say things like 'yeah but you..' or 'if you'd have approached the issue differently then I would've reacted more positively' (which realistically probably isn't the case)

I used to react with anger in these situations and storm out of the room, slamming the door like a teenager. I've recently managed to consciously stop myself from doing that as it wasn't helping matters, and equally he has worked on remaining calmer and trying to understand me better. I just don't know how to change my initial reactions of defensiveness and even when I've realised he has a point and manage to see things from his point of view, I just can't seem to get the words out 'I understand where you are coming from'. I just sit there in my stubborness not saying much.

I want him to be able to approach me without having to step on eggshells, for us to discuss our feelings calmly and rationally, find a solution together then have amazing make up sex. The only thing stopping that is me and I don't know how to change.

June 01, 2019, 06:48:19 PM
Reply #1
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ElifGunez


First of all, you shouldn't put yourself down. If he is rational, just ask him gently to find an approach and talk to you in a way that doesn't make you defensive because you are also trying. No matter who is defensive, if you both want to improve you both try. Is it rational, positive and helpful to put all the blame on one person?  The rational positive way is to not talk about blame at all. what is the harm in going to counseling? you can say you want the counselor to help you learn how to understand and communicate to him.

And you can develop safe words so that you don't need to say a sentence and also if one of you needs a break

June 21, 2019, 04:42:21 AM
Reply #2
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DaveD


2 quick points:

1. An issue is never 99% due to one person
2. Defensive/Logical sounds like one of the classic pairings according to "attachment theory" If you read up on that you might get some insights.

Good luck
Understand men at ManTranslated.com

 

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